Crazy Job Postings Part II

[pandoraharper]

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

[mtngigi]

Do a search right now for "Wate Loss Receipt Riter", only correct my spelling (should be obvious). It's all I can do not to bid just to say to the client "seriously"? I hope to high heaven no one takes that job.

[r_satta]

Search for "kids mobile games". This is a translation of a mobile game for a fixed price of 60$. 4 Excel sheets with 100-160 rows, something around 10k words and even more (plus, incredibly confusional xslx sheets).

A mobile game for kids is supposed to be educational and error-free (=you need quality over all) and the client is not even asking for the usual slave rate, it's lower than half the slave rate. Proposals? From 10 to 15. I mean, how the hell is this even possible :facepalm: ? Just use Google Translate at this point and you'll have better results.
Flagged for free work 

[numbsain]

I think what happens is novice clients come to the site thinking it's a
freelancer centric organization and they are going to find lots of
untrustworthy car mechanic types who will rip them off. At that point the
freelancer stops being a human being with dignity and instead is seen as
the opponent. Since they have no idea what anything is worth they put the
budget as low as possible thinking they might get lucky. Or they are the
unscrupulous scalawags they appear to be. That's my theory.

[suzi-elton]

Interesting perspective (always good to attempt to be kind as possible). There does seem to be a certain percentage of the client population though who mistakes Upwork as a site equivalent to Fivrr and expect to get thousands of dollars worth of work by experts for $5.

It would be great to filter out the predators and create a freelancer community where our work is respected, and professionals want to hire professionals. Sigh! Call me a dreamer.

Suzi

[numbsain]

Yeah Suzi, I agree there are some of those. They fall into the latter category I mentioned. It would be nice to have a site where at least all the good jobs aren't skimmed off the top by an elite group who won't let anyone else in and guard those jobs like a squirrel guards his nuts...What? Okay acorns! Seriously though I know these tech brats aren't better than me (because no one is) so they are simply a clique of young white t-shirt, black dinner jacket on a skateboard types you see all over San Francisco these days now that the bridge toll mafia has taken over the northern access routes and their parents paid to secure them positions that allow them to crank out mediocre work with total confidence because the clients don't know the difference anyway and that's why we have design trends like "flat design" a style born of inadequate drawing skills that gained popularity by being unthreatening to the unskilled or the "butted-bold-plain" style of logo design where anyone can design a super-hip wordmark by simply doingthis.com. OMG is that domain untaken!? Uh, I gotta go! 

[a_lipsey]

Just saw this: For $5 fixed price.

Seeking an experienced grant writer for disposable medical device. Unique start-up team of professionals including chief of surgery of major teaching institution. Need someone who is comfortable and has a background in medical or healthcare arena

Um...that's like 12 cents an hour for the amount of work (or less). 

[prestonhunter]

re: "Just saw this: For $5 fixed price..."

Okay.

But as has been said before, $5 fixed price is often a place-holder. A default value for clients who don't know what to put.

Along with many others here in the Forum, I have earned hundreds or thousands of dollars from individual $5 fixed-price job postings.

[numbsain]

They are trying to create new patients. They want to practice their new
surgical treatment for aneurism. Stay calm. Be happy in knowing that the
"experienced grant writer" they hire will waste their time and they will
never get the money for their disposable device. (Just what our oceans and
landfills need, more disposable medical devices!) Or maybe it's a cheap
wedding ring because they left so many of them in their patient's abdominal
cavities the figured they might as well make them disposable. You know,
this job is sounding more attractive by the minute. The comedic
possibilities are endless.

[liliath_p]

(Fixed price: $30)

The project should take no more than 10 hours to complete, and I am willing to pay $3 per hour. 

It is possible that the project may take only 5 hours, so I am being very generous here.

Hahaha

[numbsain]

Liliath P wrote:

(Fixed price: $30)

The project should take no more than 10 hours to complete, and I am willing to pay $3 per hour. 

It is possible that the project may take only 5 hours, so I am being very generous here.

Hahaha

---

Maybe the job is to drive his new Lamborghini around town and dine at fancy restaurants for ten hours with an unlimited expense account. But if it's anything involving sitting in front of a computer punching keys then say:

"Dear Mr. Giver, I would never want to take advantage of your supreme generosity so how about if I take 100 years to complete your job then you only have to pay .000001 cents per hour.  I'll need a 100% deposit to start though and the contract is void when either of us dies.

---

[ravi_iitian]

Skill tests have been removed from our profiles, so why is this question allowed: "Have you taken any Upwork tests and done well on them that you think are relevant to this job?"

[sergio-soria]

Wait, wait... What can be more ridiculous than this? I just received one of those e-mails "Sergio, here are 12 new jobs you may be interested in." One of them is a featured job, a very attractive long-term position but when I tried to see more details I ended up in this screen:

"Access denied: This job is private. Only freelancers invited by client can view this job."

Give me a break!

[numbsain]

I've had that. Not only is it annoying but it also shows that there are a
group of "chosen" freelancers skimming all the best jobs off the top.
Upwork pro or something like that. (Like after 20 years in business and
100s of 5 star ratings here, I'm not a pro) but there is no way to audition
for this status and get access to the non-BS jobs. Because they keep them
all to themselves and probably aren't very good freelancers either
otherwise they would play fair. I dont believe that 9 out of ten clients
are complete flakes wanting something for nothing and unable to communicate
their most basic needs. I believe we are simply getting the bottom of the
barrel clients that no one wants. I've been in business for a long time and
it has never been this dismal.

[tlsanders]

---

Ray C wrote:
I've had that. Not only is it annoying but it also shows that there are a
group of "chosen" freelancers skimming all the best jobs off the top.

Actually, what it shows is that invitation only jobs work exactly the way they are described in the Upwork help materials, and some clients choose to use them.

Upwork pro or something like that. (Like after 20 years in business and
100s of 5 star ratings here, I'm not a pro) but there is no way to audition
for this status and get access to the non-BS jobs. Because they keep them
all to themselves and probably aren't very good freelancers either
otherwise they would play fair. I dont believe that 9 out of ten clients
are complete flakes wanting something for nothing and unable to communicate
their most basic needs. I believe we are simply getting the bottom of the
barrel clients that no one wants. I've been in business for a long time and
it has never been this dismal.

---

I can't speak for anyone else, but I've gotten nearly all of my Upwork clients through public job postings. I don't consider any of my clients bottom of the barrel--I've reached 5% fees with several of them. 

[numbsain]

I don't take the other nine. the 1 out of 10 clients i do take are great
but i have to weed through a lot of bad ones to find them, hence this
thread.

It's pretty hard to get to 5% in design jobs that aren't programming. And
when you look at the state of a lot of graphic design out there you realize
that quality artwork is not valued like it used to be. A lot of people
settle for mediocre work and they call it stuff like flat design, used to
be grunge. It's just an excuse because they have no skill.

It's the same in other industries like music as well. Arts and culture
programs are no longer funded in schools like they were in the past and the
overall quality of many arts have suffered.

Tech is all anyone cares about and there are some great advances in tech
but a lot of it falls short because the design aspect is weak. As a big fan
of the old cartoons, I first noticed this trend when i was five. I didn't
want to watch the new Popeye and Bugs Bunny cartoons. Everyone said: "Oh
these are more modern." But i wasn't buying it. It was commercial
mass-produced garbage.

I watched the entire animation industry get worse and worse until finally
they came out with South Park in which the art is as awful as it can be.
Everyone said: "oh they purposely did it that way because its funny." They
saved a lot of money not having to hire real artists is all they did.

20 years ago no one would be so disrespectful as to ask a designer to work
for 5 dollars. These same people would own slaves if it were legal. I don't
know what these people are thinking but maybe i give them too much credit,
the operative word being "think."

[tlsanders]

---

Sergio S wrote:

Wait, wait... What can be more ridiculous than this? I just received one of those e-mails "Sergio, here are 12 new jobs you may be interested in." One of them is a featured job, a very attractive long-term position but when I tried to see more details I ended up in this screen:

"Access denied: This job is private. Only freelancers invited by client can view this job."

Give me a break!

---

Sounds like maybe you haven't used Upwork as a client. It's not unusual to start a job as a public posting then change it. For example, a couple of weeks ago I identified the freelancer I wanted to hire for a job, but didn't want to send him an offer until I had all of the materials in hand that he'd need to get started. So, I set the job to invitation only to make sure additional freelancers weren't wasting their connects while I was waiting for the additional information I needed to make the hire.

[ravi_iitian]

Holy cow!

“wallcome my frist post.....”

Client is from the US.

[colettelewis]

---

Ravindra B wrote:

Holy cow!

“wallcome my frist post.....”

Client is from the US.

---

_____________________

A Walmart customer ... 😉

ETA: I rather like "wallcome" a sort of hybridization of Welcome y'all!

[wendy_writes]

@ Ray C.,

Just because a client lists a $ 10 or $100 budget, if the job and you are worth more, the solution is educate the client.  Just like in the B&M world.

There are designers on site who are charging and earning professional rates.  Just like there are writers, programmers, etc. charging and earning professional rates. 

[numbsain]

---

Wendy C wrote:

@ Ray C.,

Just because a client lists a $ 10 or $100 budget, if the job and you are worth more, the solution is educate the client.  Just like in the B&M world.

There are designers on site who are charging and earning professional rates.  Just like there are writers, programmers, etc. charging and earning professional rates. 

Yes I understand that. I am one of them. I educate my clients all the time. I'm addressing the very same thing this thread is about: Why are there so many clients who need educating and so few who seem to understand the services they are buying. I know there are more than we see on these lists which seem to be inundated with beginners and novices who have to be educated about their own business. It just seems odd that Upwork gets so much riff-raff. What I'm wondering is why do we have such a huge "crazy job postings" thread?

[alice_m_uk]

Saw a job posting the other day for, I think, editing (maybe ghostwriting) a book but it was kinda hard to tell. The poster was writing a book about their experiences in heaven, as they had apparently died previously and spent a few weeks there, and was offering a minuscule budget, however, the freelancer would be divinely blessed were they to get this job, so win-win. 

Edit: Replied in the wrong place, oh well!

[colettelewis]

---

Laura M wrote:

Saw a job posting the other day for, I think, editing (maybe ghostwriting) a book but it was kinda hard to tell. The poster was writing a book about their experiences in heaven, as they had apparently died previously and spent a few weeks there, and was offering a minuscule budget, however, the freelancer would be divinely blessed were they to get this job, so win-win. 

Edit: Replied in the wrong place, oh well!

---

______________________________

The one time when ghostwriting would be entirely appropriate. 

[a_lipsey]

---

Wendy C wrote:

@ Ray C.,

Just because a client lists a $ 10 or $100 budget, if the job and you are worth more, the solution is educate the client.  Just like in the B&M world.

There are designers on site who are charging and earning professional rates.  Just like there are writers, programmers, etc. charging and earning professional rates. 

---

I'm all for educating people on the real cost of an expert in any field, but I don't have time nor do I care to waste connects (honestly less about the connects and more about the time to prepare a proposal and then go back and forth with the client) to try and convince them that something is worth a great deal more than $5. Just for myself, personally, I find enough jobs from quality clients and have enough work (on UpWork and my own long-term clients) that if I'm going to "educate" clients, then they need to pay my hourly rate for that mentorship. 

But by all means, if it works for you, take the chance and bid on the $5 or $10 job and see if you can convince the client it's worth more. If something is working for you then keep it up. 

[numbsain]

---

Ravindra B wrote:

Holy cow!

“wallcome my frist post.....”

Client is from the US.

---

He wrote the post while he was driving and almost got into a 4 car pile up on the freeway. Give the guy a break, Ravindra! You're supposed to be reading his mind anyway! Just wallcome his frist post and fon't jeek hin qaoting! Girty! 

[ravi_iitian]

---

Ray C wrote:

---

Ravindra B wrote:

Holy cow!

“wallcome my frist post.....”

Client is from the US.

---

He wrote the post while he was driving and almost got into a 4 car pile up on the freeway. Give the guy a break, Ravindra! You're supposed to be reading his mind anyway! Just wallcome his frist post and fon't jeek hin qaoting! Girty! 

---

Haha!

[sergio-soria]

---

Tiffany S wrote:

Sounds like maybe you haven't used Upwork as a client. It's not unusual to start a job as a public posting then change it.

No, I haven't used as a client, I didn't know it was possible to change it that way. So I was wondering why Upwork had sent that one to me by e-mail as I was a good match for it while I was deprived of applying. What you say makes perfect sense.

[sivavranagaro]

It's not really a crazy job post but I need some place to vent. It's past midnight and I got an invite. I'm about to answer when my toddler is having a bad dream. Five minutes later I'm back at pc from coziness of my bed and trying to answer to something I don't quite follow. So I'm explaining this in q, and there are four q, and I was hoping just to respond with super short sentence to that invite, but I kept on writing about how I need clarification about this job post. Once I clicked send I'm informed that something is wrong. Job is closed. And it was opened just an hour ago.

On the other side, other jobs I apply to or get invited are open for ages and client never  respond/hires anyone.  I'm so ughhhh now.

[calvo_juan]

Machines are learning English directly "from da streets" and they can't wait to graduate from beta mode before posting jobs.  Can't say no more yo... cos the rules... if you know what I'm sayin.

[r_satta]

At first it may seem like every job posting on the translation/writing field. But this is not.

Not only the client is willing to pay 1$ for 1000 words proofread (if you are not in the field, this is 1/10th of the lowest rate in the lowest linguistic combination). But they sent out 13000 invites too. And in another job posting they sent out 16000. Obviously they hired like 30 people per post.
Basically they are exploiting Upwork flaws to leave 2-3 job postings open and they keep using those, so their 94% hiring rate won't ever go down.

**Edited for community guidelines**

[jr-translation]

---

Roberto S wrote:

At first it may seem like every job posting on the translation/writing field. But this is not.

Not only the client is willing to pay 1$ for 1000 words proofread (if you are not in the field, this is 1/10th of the lowest rate in the lowest linguistic combination). But they sent out 13000 invites too. And in another job posting they sent out 16000. Obviously they hired like 30 people per post.
Basically they are exploiting Upwork flaws to leave 2-3 job postings open and they keep using those, so their 94% hiring rate won't ever go down.

**Edited for community guidelines**

---

You also need 6 connects because it is a 10K job.

[nhansen]

---

Jennifer R wrote:

---

Roberto S wrote:

At first it may seem like every job posting on the translation/writing field. But this is not.

Not only the client is willing to pay 1$ for 1000 words proofread (if you are not in the field, this is 1/10th of the lowest rate in the lowest linguistic combination). But they sent out 13000 invites too. And in another job posting they sent out 16000. Obviously they hired like 30 people per post.
Basically they are exploiting Upwork flaws to leave 2-3 job postings open and they keep using those, so their 94% hiring rate won't ever go down.

**Edited for community guidelines**

---

You also need 6 connects because it is a 10K job.

---

It seems even horses need their photos touched up!

**edited for Community Guidelines**

[weinreich]

I haven't seen any posts to this thread lately, but it's one of my favorites so I'll give it a little boost.

Anyone else think it's totally ridiculous when a client that says they are a marketing strategy firm posts a job listing to have someone create a new marketing strategy for their company? I guess it's like the shoemaker's children going without shoes? Doesn't inspire much confidence in their abilities in any case!

[philomenaaah]

I applied for an offer to write a tourist book of 200 pages about my city. The job offer was a little bit vague but I applied anyway and asked for details. Then, I received a message with a link to a drive document with all the guidelines. At the end of the document it was written that after I write the book I could buy it (printed) with a good discount in case I wanted to place a large order to sell the book.

After I read the document I asked for clarification and then the client told me that this was an initiative to help people to write their own book and that he would pay me $20 do write it and then I could buy the books and sell them to start a career as a writer. This all was written in a way like they were doing me a huge favor and giving me the opportunity of my life.

[11f7a755]

I was tempted to bid for an adult website one last night, but then realized I have to work through incognito browser to avoid messing up my cookies. Also, not sure how it will fare on my history. 

[jokerette]

One can always ask me about crazy offerings - I'm told I have 'flypapers for freaks' on my forehead.

My latest offering includes someone who got abused by an official in another country. Now this gets my back up in one quick hurry, so I agreed to communicate, read what they had.

I learned that they were married, living in this country at the time. Had an affair with an official, who promised them the world. But then, uh, they got in the family way. Came home to the States, the official broke it off. Essentially that's it.

I'm fleeing from the gig because I don't WANT to write letters/content for a subject I don't believe in. Ask any woman: I don't think you'll hear that being ditched constitutes abuse.

I also don't think you'll hear of a crazier gig!

[jokerette]

Go you one worse. THAT was my first gig on Upwork - gotta have to get, ya know!

I wrote the thing - and then had many edits demanded. I deserved it. My daughter kept laughing and saying, well that's 15 now. 10 now. and finally "YOU owe THEM money!" lolol

[ravi_iitian]

“Take an online exam for me in September

“Be willing to be paid in milestones; 50% of the money as soon as you complete the exam and 50% after the grades are announced, provided that you have passed the exam”

[gubernatis_kevin]

Someone offered $5 to babysit them while they did data entry.  My wife explained that this isn't that uncommon, but I thought it was the funniest and strangest thing to pay someone for, so naturally I submitted a proposal.  I figure, if whether they need someone to keep them on point, need someone to entertain them, or need someone to distract them, I'm qualified, and I can always use an extra $4.  Still waiting to hear back.  

[filip_knezevic]

5 dollars per 500 words.
Bargain.
I was a Buddhist monk for 13 years and I wrote the biography of my monk life. The main theme is football or soccer. The name of my books is beautiful memories of my monk life. I have written around 28 thousand words in my book. Thank you

[salima-noorani]

Just came across this. Had to share the screenshot. 

**Edited for Community Guidelines**