Crazy Job Postings Part II

[pandoraharper]

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

[astepanov83]

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Richard W wrote:

"Build/Create anything online that makes me a profit"

That gives me an idea for a job post: "Make me $200. Budget $100."

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I regularly see such jobs too: "implement a profitable forex strategy for $50".

If I had one, why would I share it with anyone?

[weinreich]

Of all the academic fraud postings I've seen, this one takes the cake. A student is looking for someone to write a paper about an ethics case study, using ethical theories and arguments.

I have a great idea for a case study about a student who pays someone else to write a paper for them...

[AleksandarD]

Hi Nedra,

You can use this flag option found on each job post or message anytime you’d like to report a violation.

Thank you.

[weinreich]

Believe me, I did report it right away. I just thought it was so egregious I had to share. 🙂

[rochellect]

This one def tops the most crazy I've ever seen. Really hope he wasn't successful.

**Edited for community guidelines**

[suzi-elton]

Gee Rochelle, I just can't figure out why you're not more compassionate toward this poor victimized guy. Sheesh! **Edited for Community Guidelines**

[sergio-soria]

I can't believe the one I've just seen. They have 10 conference videos in X language. They want a video editor who understands X language and also Y and Z languages to create subtitled versions for Y and Z. This means 20 videos (each video almost 30 min). Transcriptions for the original in X are not provided and you need to actually be a translator too. They want this completed in one week. Budget is a 2-figure number! Yeahhh, right! Be my guest, bro One can be a polyglot and a video editor, sure, but all this unrealistic deadline and payment is just too much! I have seen lots of people asking for the sun and the moon in Upwork but this one just got me astonished.

[suzi-elton]

Hey, with the economy collapsing/collapsed, they fantasize that we are so desperate we're willing to be **Edited for Community Guidelines**. They're just showing you WHO they are.

So pathetic that it's not even funny any more.

Suzi

[kinector]

Sergio, now you're confusing the client.

"What? Don't all video editors speak AT LEAST 10 languages?"

😄

[renata101]

Composers, start your ovens!

Someone Down Under wants a freelancer to write and record a parody song of the Madonna song Like a Prayer on the theme of "sourdough bread.”

It seems like you'd need a miracle to get the meter to work.

[numbsain]

Shoot me the link I can do this!

[renata101]

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Ray C wrote:
Shoot me the link I can do this!

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I'm PMing you as we speak, Ray. There are less than five applicants and none of the invited freelancers seem to be responding. 

Did I mention that they want you to perform it too? 

[prestonhunter]

re: "...on the theme of sourdough bread. It seems like you'd need a miracle to get the meter to work."

The meters are quite reliable. I don't know why you would be worried about them not working.

[numbsain]

Seriously I write parody lyrics for all kinds of songs.

Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow,

Sung to the tune of "Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow."

Oh, the pressure is getting stronger,

Can't hold it too much longer.

If I can't find any place to go

Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow,

Oh, the question right now is whether...

I can keep my knees together...

Till I find someplace to go...

Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow.

Well I guess I drank too much beer...

So just stop by the side of the road.

Or I might have to go right here;

my bladder's about to explode

I can feel myself start to weaken

I think I might be leakin'

I need to find a place to go...

Yellow Snow,  Yellow Snow,  Yellow Snow.

[weinreich]

You have quite a talent, Ray. Be sure to use it for good and not evil.

[numbsain]

Oops too late! Haha, thanks, Nedra

[suzi-elton]

Thanks for the laughs!

[renata101]

Some of the more recent seasonal offerings (beyond the usual barrage of requests for ethics essays with 24-hour deadines) are particularly cockle warming (because I must admit, I've always found client specs for design projects really funny): 

A company is looking for someone to create "Chrismukkah" illustrations (by which they mean Christmas and Hannukah hybrid designs). One of the images they're looking for is something they call a "Jewish Santa" who's decked out in a blue suit rather than a red one and has peyos (those curls Jewish men have behind their ears). Another design they have requested is something called "Ho Ho Ho - Oy Oy Oy," in which Jewish Santa and a standard red-and-white-suited Santa are hugging. 

These illustrations are to have a "very 'now' vibe that encompasses the charm and magic of the holidays" while simultaneously drawing "inspiration from mid-century modern products and motifs." 

So that's like a retro now vibe? 

[renata101]

And then there are those jobs that just scream "take me!" 

Edit 75K word poorly German translated romance novel. One week turnaround. The fixed rate works out to about 0.6 cents per word. 

[suzi-elton]

Gee, Renata, why are you being so greedy! LOL...I wonder if the person who wrote the job description also did the "poorly German translated romance novel". I suspect so.

[renata101]

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Suzi E wrote:

Gee, Renata, why are you being so greedy! LOL...I wonder if the person who wrote the job description also did the "poorly German translated romance novel". I suspect so.

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So greedy? If you've ever had the thrill of working with particularly crappy translation, you'll understand the romance will likely be over by page 3 (if it ever does in fact get started). 

I couldn't decide whether "poorly German translated" meant translated poorly into German or translated poorly by a German into some as yet undetermined language. It's possible you might spend the first day simply trying to decipher the remit. And by the second day, it might occur to you that you don't actually speak the language it was poorly translated into. 

[suzi-elton]

Thanks so much for the giant belly laughs. I just got home from a root canal...so it was just in time!

................................."poorly German translated" meant translated poorly into German or translated poorly by a German into some as yet undetermined language

Yes it is a quandary to figure out. I was also confused by the possibilities. It makes it even harder to eagerly apply. I'm sure there will be hundreds of applicants, and you'll have to put in a very competitive bid. Maybe .001 cent an hour would do the job.

Suzi

[renata101]

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Suzi E wrote:

Thanks so much for the giant belly laughs. I just got home from a root canal...so it was just in time!

................................."poorly German translated" meant translated poorly into German or translated poorly by a German into some as yet undetermined language

Yes it is a quandary to figure out. I was also confused by the possibilities. It makes it even harder to eagerly apply. I'm sure there will be hundreds of applicants, and you'll have to put in a very competitive bid. Maybe .001 cent an hour would do the job.

Suzi

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Suzi,

I wish you a speedy recovery. I know people say laughter is the best medicine. But seriously, if you've had a root canal, take whatever pain medication they gave you. 

[suzi-elton]

I don't think they gave me enough so I'm seeking solace here!

[faheem955]

"Write 2500 words in the budget of $5 and get 5-star ratings. The budget is tight so don't apply if you don't accept the payment. But a 5-star rating is a must if you can complete the job without plagiarism."

Now you can decide if the client was buying writing services or bargaining work with 5-star ratings and some coins 😄