🐈
» Forums » Coffee Break » Crazy Job Postings Part II
Page options
pandoraharper
Community Member

Crazy Job Postings Part II

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

 

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

 

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

 

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

 

ACCEPTED SOLUTION
AndreaG
Moderator
Moderator

Hi all,

 

We are closing this thread due to its size. Feel free to visit this new thread if you'd like to continue sharing your experience with odd and curious jobs.

 

We encourage you to have fun and discuss your experience. That said, please be mindful of our Community Guidelines and refrain from posting links to job postings, names of persons or companies, or any other identifying information. Additionally, if you come across a job that violates Upwork TOS, please flag it as inappropriate following the steps outlined here.

 

~Andrea
Upwork

View solution in original post

781 REPLIES 781
renata101
Community Member

I do love the Fridays postings.

Fabulous news! Christmas right is around the corner for the rest of us, but if you’re a designer, apparently it’s already arrived!  Several clients are looking for the following seasonal designs. 

 

Someone in the US is looking for also an “ugly Christmas sweater concept” for a t-shirt.

 

Someone in Morocco is looking for a designer who is also a Game of Thrones fan to create

"Ugly Christmas Sweatshirts” ideas in their own style. 

 

Someone in Germany is looking for an “ugly Christmas pattern design” for a sweatshirt. The design should also include an elephant and perhaps the construction of the city's suspension railway. According to the client “It's not easy to describe what I want. Let's chat if you can imagine to do the work.” 

 

No, I really can't imagine that, but I still want to chat just to hear you explain that concept.

 

And finally, someone in the UK is looking for 6 illustrations in a classic, traditional, "'schmaltzy' Christmas card style.” The idea is the illustrations will depict a 50's style traditional dinner scene but the turkey will be replaced with alternative Christmas dinners from around the world.

 

“Alternative Christmas dinners”? I know there’s Chinese takeout, but what do you do for the other 5?

In Japan, Christmas is celebrated with Kentucky Fried Chicken and some special kind of cake (strawberry...?)


@Janean L wrote:

In Japan, Christmas is celebrated with Kentucky Fried Chicken and some special kind of cake (strawberry...?)


I think it's like strawberry shortcake. Or maybe something a little fancier? 

Okay, so far we've got 2 alternative Christmas meals--one from Japan, and the Chinese takeout is supposed to be what a lot of Jewish North Americans go for... Can we come up with 4  for the "schmaltzy" Christmas table scene?

 

We've got the Jews and the Buddhists covered. I can check with the guy from the Sri Lankan corner store what the Hindu alternative Christmas meal is. That leaves the Muslim alternative Christmas meal, the Sikh alternative Christmas meal... and I guess there's one more left.


Did anyone do a religious studies major?

 


@Renata S wrote:

@Janean L wrote:

In Japan, Christmas is celebrated with Kentucky Fried Chicken and some special kind of cake (strawberry...?)


I think it's like strawberry shortcake. Or maybe something a little fancier? 

Okay, so far we've got 2 alternative Christmas meals--one from Japan, and the Chinese takeout is supposed to be what a lot of Jewish North Americans go for... Can we come up with 4  for the "schmaltzy" Christmas table scene?

 

We've got the Jews and the Buddhists covered. I can check with the guy from the Sri Lankan corner store what the Hindu alternative Christmas meal is. That leaves the Muslim alternative Christmas meal, the Sikh alternative Christmas meal... and I guess there's one more left.


Did anyone do a religious studies major?

 


I vote for Europe - German, Polish, Swiss, or Austrian. (They all share some aspect of food culture already, and it's ALL just MADE for Xmas, imho).

anna_guryeva
Community Member

A book about an absolutely new and unique theory of what love is. 33000 words. A top quality translation from English into Russian, German, Arabic etc. needed with the format kept, as the client is not going to waste his time to prepare the book for publishing.

 

$90 per language.

 

Plus, the same freelancer has to write 15 articles based on the book content and post them to 20+ websites he/she finds (as the client only has a half of the list). I wonder whether this is also included into the generous $90, but I'm too lazy to apply and ask.

 

One freelancer is already hired!

pandoraharper
Community Member

Virtual Assistant job related to some sort of metaphysical belief that amazingly, I have never heard of. I can't type it here because it would be TOTALLY searchable.

 

The Wikipedia page on the topic was quite interesting. The problem with this job is that it requires a native English speaker who is VERY experienced with Active Campaign (a robust marketing tool).

 

Pay: $20 - Which for the above skillset, is going to get her some off-shore person who claims to speak perfect English, but of course, wont.

 

Bids: less then 5 (post is 2 hours old, so....)

weinreich
Community Member

Some great ones in the latest batch I looked through...

 

Someone wanting help with their kid's acting career, to get them on a show on a major network by Wednesday. Hate to see all the unscrupulous "agents" that will respond to that one.

 

Someone looking for a writer, but just know that if you ain't a native speaker, they'll be aware of it.

 

And of course the college students looking for a plagiarism-free paper for their course on ethics or morality. Sigh.


@Nedra W wrote:

Some great ones in the latest batch I looked through...

 

Someone wanting help with their kid's acting career, to get them on a show on a major network by Wednesday. Hate to see all the unscrupulous "agents" that will respond to that one.


Seriously? I mean 2 things here...1) that anyone is stupid enough to think it's possible to get a kid on a major network in a few days, 2) There are agents on Upwork. I mean, really?

 

Almost reads like a joke post.

I hope you reported the third one Nedra - though I know nothing will be done about it if you do. $$$ are much more interesting to Upwork than academic integrity. 

Nedra,

 

Could you please send me a private message with a link to the last job? I'd like to follow up and make sure actions are taken.

 

Thank you!

~ Valeria
Upwork

Nicola and Valeria,

 

I always do report those academic fraud jobs and did so on several today. Unfortunately, Valeria, I didn't save the post so can't share the link. 

 

Nedra


@Nedra W wrote:

 

Someone wanting help with their kid's acting career, to get them on a show on a major network


There definitely are networks that take kids. On the black market, kids are good for organs.

-----------
"Where darkness shines like dazzling light"   —William Ashbless
renata101
Community Member

It's hard to believe it's only Monday. What could be more fun that a trip to a dental website?

 

A company that manages websites for dental clinics is looking for a humor writer. 

 

"We're looking to give some character to our bios and get a professional to make them a subtly funny and enjoyable read." Presumably, this is to get you ready for a subtly funny and enjoyable trip to their office?

 

They're looking for a creative, humorous mind to edit their staff bios and, as they put it, "other dry content."

 


@Renata S wrote:

It's hard to believe it's only Monday. What could be more fun that a trip to a dental website?

 

A company that manages websites for dental clinics is looking for a humor writer. 

 

"We're looking to give some character to our bios and get a professional to make them a subtly funny and enjoyable read." Presumably, this is to get you ready for a subtly funny and enjoyable trip to their office?

 

They're looking for a creative, humorous mind to edit their staff bios and, as they put it, "other dry content."

 


 Something for a writer to get their teeth into . . .


@Renata S wrote:

It's hard to believe it's only Monday. What could be more fun that a trip to a dental website?

 

A company that manages websites for dental clinics is looking for a humor writer.


 Bah! No amount of fluff is going to make me forget out horrible it is, going to the dentist.

anna_guryeva
Community Member

Someone needs a Virtual Assistant to be available full time (Monday to Friday, 8 hours a day). Paying $150/month, so with 22 workdays per month it's $0.85/hour. Minus 20% of Upwork fee, getting $0.68/hour.

Between 20 and 50 proposals already.

re: "Someone needs a Virtual Assistant to be available full time (Monday to Friday, 8 hours a day). Paying $150/month, so with 22 workdays per month it's $0.85/hour. Minus 20% of Upwork fee, getting $0.68/hour."

 

I wouldn't do it.

 

But although to some of this it sounds kind of crazy to apply to a job posting like that, I would say there IS a difference between:

 

"being available full time, 8 hours a day"

and

"working full time, 8 hours a day"

 

It is not genuinely a matter of earning "$0.68/hour."

 

This might be a stay-at-home mom, taking care of young children, occassionally working and earning $10/hour.

 

 


@Anna G wrote:

Someone needs a Virtual Assistant to be available full time (Monday to Friday, 8 hours a day). Paying $150/month, so with 22 workdays per month it's $0.85/hour. Minus 20% of Upwork fee, getting $0.68/hour.

Between 20 and 50 proposals already.



I just saw a similar job - the client has upped the ante to $200 per month. Unless, and this is rather ambiguous, you fail the two-week trial period, in which case the pay is $100 per month (Does this mean you still get the job, but you failed the exam so pay is less?) His requirements are written concisely in 692 words and all he wants is an entire corporation rolled into one person.

 

He would like other skills too:

Accounting, Administrative Support, Content Writing, Customer Service Data Entry Email, Handling Email Marketing, Facebook Marketing, Google Calendar Development, Google Docs, Instagram, Marketing, Market Research, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft PowerPoint, Microsoft Word, Skype, Social Media Management, Social Media Marketing, and WordPress.

 

He would like five questions answered, the last of which is: "What would you recommend as our first steps if we were to work together?"

 

Answer: More money?

 

Are these clients for real? Yup - he's the last of the big spenders - $200 since July.

 

 

pandoraharper
Community Member

I see those jobs pretty often, in several different industries. Usually a wall of text, with as many as 8 different roles thrown in.

 

Sometimes, there are bullet points.  Pay is always crappy. And these are American jobs, and yes, they never hire Americans (at least, according to their job history).

 

I've recently come across some really great off-shore women who were awesome, but I'd never ever ask em to even try to do half of what some of these jobs ask for.

 

On a side note, sometimes I see job posts that says pretty much the same thing, but the client says something to the effect of : We are building a team. We need people for all this stuff.

 

Which makes me want to hit the client on the side of the head with a crisp noodle and tell them recruiting on Upwork does not work like that.

^ I see these too...

 

In fact, the other day I saw one that was SO confrontational.

 

It was a wall of text. It was literally the Seventh Scroll of freelance job listings. I pictured some wizened old Knight Templar unrolling this thing and taking seven days to read it aloud to the village while his voice slowly began to fail him and somebody ran for a wet rag to dab at his brow. 

 

But it was ALL nasty. Something along the lines of,

 

"If you don't have an above 90% rating, don't bother sending in your bid. I will delete it.

"If you don't have five stars, don't bother sending in your bid. I will delete it.

"If you haven't had 7+ completed jobs during the past four weeks, don't bother sending in your bid. I will delete it..."

 

And on and on AAAAAAAAAAAAND on. There were like 15 of these. In that same nasty "I'm an adult shame-shaming a little kid" tone. And it was all run together, line by line. No paragraph spacing or spacing between angry, preemptively defensive demands.

 

And all of that was after the unbelievable wall of requirements. Smiley Very Happy

 

You guys will never believe this, but...I passed up this amazing opportunity. Yeah, I know...kicking myself...would have been a truly fun job.


@Melanie H wrote:

It was a wall of text. It was literally the Seventh Scroll of freelance job listings. I pictured some wizened old Knight Templar unrolling this thing and taking seven days to read it aloud to the village while his voice slowly began to fail him and somebody ran for a wet rag to dab at his brow. 

 <snip>


 OMG that was funny.

pandoraharper
Community Member

When some jobs are like onions.......peel back one layer, and ........So a job comes through my feed this evening, and even though it's not something I wanted to bid on, I looked at it.

 

Small digital agency, focus on lawyers and other white-collar professionals. Payment verified, but pretty new. Glowing reviews from off-shore freelancers. $5.35 average hourly pay....Sigh.

 

Then, I scroll down to see what other jobs the client has open.....

 

And I see 6 other jobs:

  • 1 job indicating that his agency is really just HIM, which means he's an individual and possibly a farmer
  • Another job where he is requesting "dating advice".

...and not everyone will get this, the client is in Springfield.

 

 

 

I've just seen my shortest job description so far...

 

Title: Statistician

 

Details: Statistician

 

 

Perhaps they think they're being charged by the word.

 

(Is quoting a one-word job description going to get me edited for violating community guidelines?)

I keep seeing calls for beta readers. Who in his/her right mind would wade through a 100k-word book for $20?

"Certa bonum certamen"


@Ravindra B wrote:

I keep seeing calls for beta readers. Who in his/her right mind would wade through a 100k-word book for $20?


@Ravindra

Have you seen a UW FL test for this? Maybe we should suggest a test called "Are You in Your Right Mind?" I've actually seen people accepting these for $20. It sounds like something that would work better on MTurk and I think UW should really be referring those types of clients there than have them posting jobs like that here. 

I don't mind the idea of UW as a marketplace where all kinds of jobs can happen. That's really interesting. Unfortunately, accepting all comers in terms of clients has given it a reputation as the place to come to get professional jobs at bargain basement prices. 


@Renata S wrote:

@Ravindra B wrote:

I keep seeing calls for beta readers. Who in his/her right mind would wade through a 100k-word book for $20?


@Ravindra

Have you seen a UW FL test for this? Maybe we should suggest a test called "Are You in Your Right Mind?" I've actually seen people accepting these for $20. It sounds like something that would work better on MTurk and I think UW should really be referring those types of clients there than have them posting jobs like that here. 

I don't mind the idea of UW as a marketplace where all kinds of jobs can happen. That's really interesting. Unfortunately, accepting all comers in terms of clients has given it a reputation as the place to come to get professional jobs at bargain basement prices. 


 Haha!

 

"Certa bonum certamen"


@Richard W wrote:

I've just seen my shortest job description so far...

 

Title: Statistician

 

Details: Statistician

 

 

Perhaps they think they're being charged by the word.

 

(Is quoting a one-word job description going to get me edited for violating community guidelines?)


If you want this job I suggest you respond with the followoing: "2017 research compiled via phone- or text-in response of a random sampling of 1,000 Upwork freelancers and clients suggests, if taken as an example of the larger whole, that less than 0.5% of all Upwork job postings consist of ONLY ONE word. Further to this, responses imply that over time, such postings will receive only ONE response over any given job posting campaign period. And here it is! You're welcome. My rate is $475/hour."


@Melanie H wrote:

 

If you want this job I suggest you respond with the followoing: "2017 research compiled via phone- or text-in response of a random sampling of 1,000 Upwork freelancers and clients suggests, if taken as an example of the larger whole, that less than 0.5% of all Upwork job postings consist of ONLY ONE word. Further to this, responses imply that over time, such postings will receive only ONE response over any given job posting campaign period. And here it is! You're welcome. My rate is $475/hour."


I'm watching my connects at the moment. Otherwise I'd be tempted to respond with the following: "Yes."

 

Another job I would have replied to, if not for the connects, was one with a budget of $1,000,000. I wanted to make a lowball bid of $500,000.


@Richard W wrote:


I'm watching my connects at the moment. Otherwise I'd be tempted to respond with the following: "Yes."

 

Another job I would have replied to, if not for the connects, was one with a budget of $1,000,000. I wanted to make a lowball bid of $500,000.


 That's not fair...don't go undercutting the rest of us. I was planning on bidding $999,999.

zoomconcepts
Community Member

The job post itself is actually pretty neat but I'm just the right level of overworked to appreciate the title. 

 

Someone's looking for "flat designer". I think I'm automatically disqualified. 

shetani
Community Member

Simple (says so in the title).

Consistently show website for an HR software on Google's 1st page, for any of the 20 or so keywords listed in the job post. Some of the keywords are: "email notification", "vacation requests", "social platform", "pre-fill forms".

 

 

Rate is $10 per week, but the job post is crazy regardless.


@Ines H wrote:

Simple (says so in the title).

Consistently show website for an HR software on Google's 1st page, for any of the 20 or so keywords listed in the job post. Some of the keywords are: "email notification", "vacation requests", "social platform", "pre-fill forms".

 

 

Rate is $10 per week, but the job post is crazy regardless.


 Hell, if I could manage that I wouldn't be working for someone else!

 

I heard something hilarious on a recent webinar I was watching for a client.

 

The speaker asked the audience, "Where's the best place to hide a tree?" **

 

Someone yelled out an answer from the audience: "On the second page of Google."

 

** I'm sure you all figured this out yourselves but just in case...the answer was supposed to be "in a forest" and the point the speaker was making was that Facebook ads should stand out from the crowd and blah blah, etc., etc.

vdubeau
Community Member

Posting to create some kind of software with 50+ proposals.. Description:

 

       "it's confidential until we agree on some stuff, hope to work with u"

 

Fixed price. Budget: $1,000,000.

 

Let's all jump on it! Smiley Very Happy

"Remember, no matter where you go, there you are."
Buckaroo Banzai

"I have thousands of PDfs that I need to convert to an excel file - each file is a unique individual..."

 

Aw. How cute.

 

"...and the **bleep**s should be based on the highlighted sections"

 

Not so cute after all.

 

EDIT. **bleep**. The bleeping bleeper spoiled my fun.

Here's one I just got from a talent specialist.

 

Title: Microsoft Excel Pivot Tables and VBA Demogorgon Slayer from the Upside Down

 

Details: Self explanatory 

 

Budget: $70,000

 

Unfortunately it was already closed by the time I looked, or I would have applied, if only to satisfy my curiosity.


@Richard W wrote:

Here's one I just got from a talent specialist.

 

Title: Microsoft Excel Pivot Tables and VBA Demogorgon Slayer from the Upside Down

 

Details: Self explanatory 

 

Budget: $70,000

 

Unfortunately it was already closed by the time I looked, or I would have applied, if only to satisfy my curiosity.


 Uhm. Wow! And and clear example that the Talent Specialists doe not read / understand / American English or culture.

 

I mean...a glaringly clear example.

 

<walks away muttering to herself>

And who would go up against a demogorgon for a measly $70,000? The going rate is a million gold pieces or the hand in marriage of a princess.


@Richard W wrote:

And who would go up against a demogorgon for a measly $70,000? The going rate is a million gold pieces or the hand in marriage of a princess.


Unfortunately, due to easier access in pinpointing demogorgon-slaying jobs via online one-stop project coordination portals, professional imaginary creature slayers (PICS) are no longer confined to the radius of the castle, village and surrounds, or to being the first one up before sunrise to run to the pole and read the job postings nailed there.

 

This means dozens or even hundreds of PICS may, at any one time, be vying for the same demagorgon-slaying position.

 

There should be a better pre-screening process. "Make invisible all PICS outside of the radius of the clan," "Make invisible all PICS who have slain fewer than four demogorgons," etc.

 

If coordinated, this could actually be quite lucrative for someone. There could be a five-imaginary creature mini-image rating system. So for example, "Make invisible all PICS with 4 imaginary creature images or below." That portal could become a real resource in today's competitive demogorgon-slaying market.

 

As it stands now, any shmo who has stepped hard on a spider can apply for a monster-killing position. And any desperate novice killer - for example, a housewife looking to add to her family's income by running animals through with a sword and throwing a Charm of Frozen Fire - can flood the market, driving rates way down.

 

Somebody really ought to do something, or we COULD always all just sit around here complianing (I vote for Option 2).

Demogorgons... talent specialists... why are you wasting time talking about fictional creatures?

melaniekhenson
Community Member

Okay, okay, we’ll stop talking about talent specialists then.
Latest Articles
Learning Paths