Crazy Job Postings Part II

[#1]

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

[#2]

Find an image for Mans and one for Laughter.

[#3]

I can't stop laughing...

I've just read one saying "Please don't give me a price until you know the details. Don't ask me for a budget just give me a price." The funniest part is that the client don't give us absolutely any information, let alone "details" in the job post.

[#4]

Oh that one kills me!

St. Graphis Designus needed for graphic design project!

Skill level: EXPERT Budget: $5

"I need a beginning level graphic designer to do some earth shattering
super-ninja award winning graphic design for me. Need ASAP! Please include
total price and relevant samples. Details will be awarded to the knighted
victor after the jousting at the royal coronation reception. DO NOT WASTE
MY TIME UNLESS YOU HAVE DONE THIS EXACT JOB OVER 500 TIMES!!!!

Question: Breifly describe why you are better suited to do this particular
job than any other person on the planet

My answer: I have a masters degree in "Doing This Particular Job", and i
was the only person in the class. I then went on to a 4 year internship in
which i did this job over and over again.

Question: What challenging part of this project will take the most time?

My answer: probably getting paid.

Question: Do you have any questions about the job description?

My answer: Can't think of any you've pretty much covered everything. Next
time you hear from me the job will be in your in box.

Question: Do you have any suggestions to make this job run smoothly?

My answer: Yes but it doesn't concern you. It involves me digging way down
into the deepest penetrailia of my soul and dredging up some profoundly
painful experiences from my past, doing battle with these demons and then
performing a cleansing ritual to free myself of all earthly constraints
thus achieving a state of perfect smoothness.

[#5]

Thank you for mucho laughso!

[#6]

...and you can bet that the client will be furious when you don't do the job for cheeeeeeeeeeap! ...and exactly like they want it even though they have told you several different and contradictory things that they want.

Thank you for the Thanksgiving laugh.

[#7]

Contradictory instructions?! Manna from heaven! I would kill for contradictory instructions because that would narrow the parameters from infinite to 2! I'd have a 50% chance of getting it right! I only have to do the job twice! This is what's known as an Upworker's Holiday. Don't get me all excited talking about "contradictory instructions!" Gee whiz I'm gonna go play in the lawn sprinkler now!

[#8]

A client was trying to hire somone by posting a job on Upwork, to bid & send proposal for jobs on Upwork so he could work on extra projects (basically trying to buy connects). I wonder if someone bids on that job on client's behalf, would that be counted as providing free service? Or is it just a polite way to tell him to bid for himself?

[#9]

I'm actually a doing almost that same gig expect i bid on the job, do the
job and then someone pays me...upwork.

[#10]

 Someone in Germany is looking for a talented video editor to cut highlights of a keynote speech into a powerful video trailer. The client suggests 1-2 powerful quotes should be incorporated, along with “zoom-ins and maybe hiphop-like jingle/music” to make the speech look “super interesting and fun, so people click the link and watch the video.” 

Sample quote, which the client suggests could be presented with powerful, 3d effect: “This will change Pest Control forever." 

[#11]

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@Renata S wrote:

[ ...] 

“This will change Pest Control forever." 

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Lol! With backing music:  deadant, deadant,  deadantdeadantdeadant ... set to the Pink Panther theme tune. 

[#12]

Blocked Czech composer requires a minute of modern accordion (full copyright included). Client would like a one-minute squeezebox score for something "upbeat", like for instance, Janne Rättyä’s tune from the original motion picture soundtrack of “The Killing of a Sacred Deer.”

If you’re not familiar with this one, here it is (although inclusion of this sample causes me to wonder what, in fact, the client might consider "downbeat"):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V40IFuNrEy0&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR3wIBAYHdvuk0c6Sd-BOQ0bafCkHb5UV...

[#13]

So, a Polish university is looking for Philipinos (only) to study German there. No German knowledge required. They guarantee an internship after 4 months. Hey, what could go wrong?

[#14]

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@Martina P wrote:

So, a Polish university is looking for Philipinos (only) to study German there. No German knowledge required. They guarantee an internship after 4 months. Hey, what could go wrong?

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 Not sure why this is crazy. Maybe they have a project with a language school and want to try something with locals.

[#15]

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@Jennifer R wrote:

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@Martina P wrote:

So, a Polish university is looking for Philipinos (only) to study German there. No German knowledge required. They guarantee an internship after 4 months. Hey, what could go wrong?

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 Not sure why this is crazy. Maybe they have a project with a language school and want to try something with locals.

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 _______________________

I think it is distinctly dodgy and should be flagged. I know a woman from the Philippines who was caught in just this way, only it was to go to Canada. Her passport was removed and she was forced to work for next to nothing. Others were forced into prostitution. She managed to escape and the person responsible eventually went to prison. 

[#16]

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@Nichola L wrote:

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@Jennifer R wrote:

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@Martina P wrote:

So, a Polish university is looking for Philipinos (only) to study German there. No German knowledge required. They guarantee an internship after 4 months. Hey, what could go wrong?

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 Not sure why this is crazy. Maybe they have a project with a language school and want to try something with locals.

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 _______________________

I think it is distinctly dodgy and should be flagged. I know a woman from the Philippines who was caught in just this way, only it was to go to Canada. Her passport was removed and she was forced to work for next to nothing. Others were forced into prostitution. She managed to escape and the person responsible eventually went to prison. 

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 I understood the post as if the studies should happen on the Philippines since there is also a language school looking for German teachers and examiner who want to work there.

I looked up the job Martina mentioned and flagged it. The attached document contains no contact information and any online search is fruitless.

[#17]

Just posted as "Research Paper: Sociology"

"8-10 page paper, double spaced, include 8 recent scholarly resources, APA format, title and reference page. (No plagiarism!)

The topic is an aspect of the changing family that interests you and I previously chose the topic of single mothers in a precious paper so I'd like to stick with that topic. The paper should discuss how the processes of difference, power, and discrimination shape the family structure, life, and issues. 

I will happily except B work- does not need to be perfect."

I've already flagged it, but they're not even trying to cover themselves here. I like how they're saying they're happy to accept B work as it doesn't need to be perfect, instead of the more obvious "if this was a stellar essay, my professor would immediately know it wasn't me". 

[#18]

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@Alice M wrote:

Just posted as "Research Paper: Sociology"

"8-10 page paper, double spaced, include 8 recent scholarly resources, APA format, title and reference page. (No plagiarism!)

The topic is an aspect of the changing family that interests you and I previously chose the topic of single mothers in a precious paper so I'd like to stick with that topic. The paper should discuss how the processes of difference, power, and discrimination shape the family structure, life, and issues. 

I will happily except B work- does not need to be perfect."

I've already flagged it, but they're not even trying to cover themselves here. I like how they're saying they're happy to accept B work as it doesn't need to be perfect, instead of the more obvious "if this was a stellar essay, my professor would immediately know it wasn't me". 

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Honest, relaxed, realistic (not to mention creative and I would suspect "hard-working") thought criminals who can't stand plagiarism and endeavor to hand your paper in on time? That seems like just what the world needs.  

Other than the "I'm-taking-full-academic-credit for-your-work" thing, it sounds like it might have paid decently as well.  

[#19]

Someone in Australia wants their 35,000-word book copy edited, proof read and "reparaphrased".

[#20]

A translation job:

"We have a X words in A, B and C languages in trados software. We need back in 24 hrs."

No idea if they want to pay someone just to send a file back and forth, but it is on expert level.

[#21]

I bet they want to pan a penny a word too!

Suzi

[#22]

It has gone now but I distinctly remember it wasn't paid well. 

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@Renata S wrote:

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@Alice M wrote:

Just posted as "Research Paper: Sociology"

"8-10 page paper, double spaced, include 8 recent scholarly resources, APA format, title and reference page. (No plagiarism!)

The topic is an aspect of the changing family that interests you and I previously chose the topic of single mothers in a precious paper so I'd like to stick with that topic. The paper should discuss how the processes of difference, power, and discrimination shape the family structure, life, and issues. 

I will happily except B work- does not need to be perfect."

I've already flagged it, but they're not even trying to cover themselves here. I like how they're saying they're happy to accept B work as it doesn't need to be perfect, instead of the more obvious "if this was a stellar essay, my professor would immediately know it wasn't me". 

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Honest, relaxed, realistic (not to mention creative and I would suspect "hard-working") thought criminals who can't stand plagiarism and endeavor to hand your paper in on time? That seems like just what the world needs.  

Other than the "I'm-taking-full-academic-credit for-your-work" thing, it sounds like it might have paid decently as well.  

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[#23]

I hope his/her university does use style detection software 😄

[#24]

An invite from a Talent Specialist:

Title:

Language A - language B translation

Job discription:
Looking for a translation from language B to language A

Needed a translator into language C from language B and D.

That is not a job for an invitation but needs to be flagged for unclear. There might be a reason why freelancer do not apply to some jobs.

[#25]

Someone is looking for a freelancer to collect 500 hours worth of audio of wind gusts (but not blowing or howing wind, and it can't include any human voices). Previous jobs by the same client have included 500 hours of yelling. 

[#26]

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@Renata S wrote:

Someone is looking for a freelancer to collect 500 hours worth of audio of wind gusts (but not blowing or howing wind, and it can't include any human voices). Previous jobs by the same client have included 500 hours of yelling. 

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Ooh, I should tell my ex about this!