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pandoraharper
Member

Crazy Job Postings

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

 

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

 

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

 

Here's something I saw tonight:

 

US client, average pay under $6 per hour, no hourly hires so far, decent feedback, looking for 1 person to do:

 

Article Copywriting, Editing and Proofreading

Customer Service (Phone and Email)

Business Growth & Development

Blog Posting

Stand Operating Procedures Creation and Documentation

Online Research

Social Media Management

Event planning and scheduling

 

And finally: "Knowlege of WordPress Development, Facebook Ads, InfusionSoft, Bookkeeping, etc. a PLUS "

 

No mention in this posting if some of these items would be handled by other members of the team.

 

One word: Sheesh!

 

 

 

ACCEPTED SOLUTION
andregutierrez22
Moderator
Moderator

Hi all,

 

We are closing this thread due to its size. Feel free to visit this new thread if you'd like to continue sharing your experience with odd and curious jobs.

 

We encourage you to have fun and discuss your experience. That said, please be mindful of our Community Guidelines and refrain from posting links to job postings, names of persons or companies, or any other identifying information. Additionally, if you come across a job that violates Upwork TOS, please flag it as inappropriate following the steps outlined here.

 

~Andrea
Upwork

View solution in original post

2,171 REPLIES 2,171

Some of them get people to say things such as 'I will love to write your book', or 'you're the best' I think it's a disgusting practice, but then, in Upwork world, complaining solves nothing.

RAY!!!!! I LIKE YOU.....

I sincerely hope he likes you too - otherwise heaven knows what he'd call you..

I LOVE IRENE!!!!!! Are you kidding? She's my little nommy nom de plume puddin'! My penny from heaven pal!

Besides she says "oh my hat" how cute is that? (that was a rhetorical question because we all know the answer to it: Cute as a button on a squirrel cupcake!)

"You need my services. we are on equal footing now, so if you treat me like a tweetwhistle I'll dump your measely assets in escrow like a hot potato and you can find some other highschool dropout to fudge up you're picayun little Captain Kangaroo Crabola cause I'm outta here you pinch-hay monkey thumper! and don't ever dampen my doorstopper again you fresh baked batard!!! Unsatisfying vegetable side dish!!!! Issue of a mangy canine, away with ye loathsome cur!! False alligator! Immodest raincoat wearer. ingester of controlled substances!!!"

--------------------------

 

And this here perfectly illustrates why a bleeper is useless on these forums. The ones that want to swear are certainly inventive enough to come up with their own. I have to applaud this magnificent list. It was surprising to call the least, and I come from a land where one of the cursings is...

 

Spoiler
**edited for Community Guidelines** 

Hi Duckface!

If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.โ€• George Orwell
vorion
Member

----LION TAMER REQUIRED----

 

I really thought the client had a lion. After going through the post, I realized he just wanted an Executive Assistant. I reckon he was referring himself as the lion and his assistant as the tamer.

 

I was like Smiley Surprised

 

Any Ring Masters here? Smiley Very Happy

 

LOL Pravin.

 

Looks like vacancy in the Circus as well !

Just seen this little pearl in one of the job postings for data entry.

 

THE APPLICANT SHOULD NOT BE GREEDY & MONEY MINDED.   

 

Smiley Happy

 

 

I genuinely think some of these jobs are posted for otherwise totally ineffectual people to order people about from the safety of their own homes. With trolling getting more risky these days, trolls are looking to new markets to satisfy their needs.

boshoffirene
Member

Well...it's all perfectly reasonable...I mean...you can work from anywhere, after all....your seaside home...your car...the rubbish dumpster in the alleyway....what's your PROBLEM!

> Teaching Java

You will have to teach me how to create a program and teach me about framework, GUI, Java via teamviewer on my computer.

> budget 5$

$1.08/hr Avg Hourly Rate Paid

You will get positive feedback at the end of contract with 5 stars rating.

 

Dream work ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Hahahahaahahahahaah! ahahahahaha! haahaahahahaha! (did i mention Hahahahahaah!)

Positive feedback eh? try the Nobel prize for humanitarian charity to unworthy causes.

I should apply for the job and say I'll teach you all those things for 5 dollars if first i can teach you about common sense, okay? Lets start right in. This is fire, fire is hot...this is water, water is wet. No don't drink the fire!!

Too bad there isn't a Death Penalty Liteยฎ for when the death penalty is only a little bit too harsh.

I understand why we can't put those clients in a room and let everyone take pot shots at them but can there be an award section where you put their picture and make it look like they are wearing a dunce cap? It can say: 

"Upwork Dopey Dunce Award of the Day"
Heres the award winning job they posted....

$5.00 to teach somebody how to be a computer programmer?

 

Well... I guess that client believes the old adage: "Teaching is its own reward."

 

It is a good thing that the client is not an imbecile, because then it would only be fair to charge $10.00 for the task.

jolash
Member

@Hanna

 

Re: False alligator! Immodest raincoat wearer. ingester of controlled substances........

 

Gives a round of applause and rising to feet....

 

So tell me how what is your hourly rate for coming up with benders like this ?

 

I think it would be money well spent. Lol........

Oreofe, those gems were actually from Ray. When I am upset enough to curse at someone, I would probably just revert to Finnish, which unfortunately seems to have insuts too vile to be posted on the forums even when I bleeped most of the bad words. ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

Or I would quote Monty Python and say "Your mother was a hamster and your father smellt of elderberries". Which, to be fair, in it's historical context is actually quite insulting.

 

Though now I do feel very tempted to try to match Ray's creativeness. ๐Ÿ˜„

Your mother was a dog of the female persuasion while you grandfather on you father's side is unknown, and you are the result of the consummation.

Sometimes I give them away for free, Lowly escutcheon smudger, Hardened clump of beard falafel! circumflatulent coprafagiac! Your breath is redolent of asafoetida! Alexahentรฉ dissaproves!!!

Well, who wouldn't? 

 

 

You must have experience writing about Vampire vs Elves

Anyway, since Elves are immortal, it's difficult to see how they would become undead. Moreover, Elves are famously skilled with arrows, i.e. thin long-distance stakes, and, according to The Lord of the Rings, don't need sleep. A lose-lose situation for the Vampires all round, I'd say!

Some of the vampires are "Sunlighters" on Upwork. Smiley Tongue

Vampires can make a living off here, they don't to pay rent or buy food, after all. They'd also love posting jobs for 'top quality' article writers: these jobs are soul-destroying and parasitic, and therefore are ideally suited for the desires of the Nosferatu Man Very Happy

Ramon, you got my thoughts right. Smiley Very Happy

jolash
Member

RE: Well, who wouldn't? 

 

Lol....... Some lancers do have them.

"hides the fangs"...I am a day walking vegetarian...and I sparkle in the sun...tsk.

  Yes, 10,000 words a day on lawnmowers in proper English , just like what the poster be writings in!

 

 

**edited for Community Guidelines**

Lawnmowers are an under-appreciated literary genre.

I like how he said not to bid if you're the middle man. 10 bucks says this joker is a lame SEO middle man.

noirre
Member

This job post was taken down already (I flagged it as free work), but I have to share the tittle:

 

 

"V.A. @ $1 per hour with possibilities"

 

Possibilities of what? To be used as slave labour? No wait... it does say

 

"I can teach you and break down tasks for you to teach reason behind every action"

 

And apparently in all of these categories:

 

Article Writing Blog Writing Content Writing Data Entry Internet researchQualitative Research Search Engine Optimization (SEO) SEO Writing Virtual Assistant

 

So I guess he thinks it's generous of him to pay even 1 USD an hour since he's teaching the freelancer all these things... in fact... The freelancer should be paying HIM since he's teaching them new skills.... right?

 

 

New job post. Says "No Idea". Description is "Game".

 

Nothing else.

 

I will favorite the job just to see if people apply and if the guy hires or not.

 

 

 

 

I can play a game which I have no idea how to play.....for about 5 minutes before getting bored...If they pay me $5 for 5 minutes of my time while taking a coffee break to play this game which I have  no idea how to play...I might consider it....seeing it is only 5 min.

So, a job posted with a budget of $5,000...sounds tempting...

 

S/he wants his ebook perfect, and for that s/he's willing to pay $1 per 1,000 words.

 

I'm thinking there aren't that many 5 million word ebooks around...

I saw that one as well. I don't know if it's just me but it seems that the prices have been going down lately. It's hard to find things worth sending in a proposal for.

 

Must be all those lowballers from Elance Smiley LOL

Stephen,

 

This is not a new trick to lure good freelancers.

 

When I was new here, there was a writing job, the client posted as 180$. I applied with a sample and got the job. The client asked me to stop when the bill was nearly 15$. I asked the reason. The client simply stated that the work was over and she had no more work to be done. She ended the contract, gave a good feedback. I felt bad and I doubted my own skill. I really thought I didn't work up to the client's expectations.

 

Later, I went through the client's history and I came to know that her usual method was posting the job for 180$ and ending the work between 10-20$. I really felt deceived.

 

 

Luckiest one, anyone, "THE ONE" here???

 

I have rephrased it in a third-person's perspective for Community Guidelines.

 

Win $50 by voting for their website

They are putting up a prize of $50 to one lucky winner once they receive 500 votes.
All we have to do is apply for this job and vote 5 stars here:
"URL"
Then activate the vote on freelancer's email and forward the confirmation URL/Link of the vote to "Email Address" to be entered into the prize draw!
Once they've received 500 votes, $50 will be released to one lucky winner!
Freelancers can vote more than once using a different device and a different email address!

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------

My Question: How low can these Clients Go???!!!

The client is from the UK, has a good reputation, spent over 10K.

 

 

 

"How low can these Clients Go???!!!"

 

A:  As low as Upwork allows them to go....


@Kenneth D wrote:

 

New job post. Says "No Idea". Description is "Game".

 

Nothing else.

 

I will favorite the job just to see if people apply and if the guy hires or not.

 

 

 

 


 My pet peeve is jobs with lack of description problems. That one is one of the worst.

blastofflabs
Member

That's a good one Pandora.  There's a similar one tonight wanting an expert in a technical silicon valley industry to write blog posts, do business development, build the website, design Google AdWords, create brochures, create info graphics, issue press releases, close sales, create leads, optimize the sales funnel, perform market research, create info graphics, engage social media, build the brand, do mass email campaigns, create marketing strategy and so forth in five hours a day with minimal/entry-level skills and compensation.

 

And of course the new one in ALL CAPS yelling at all readers warning them NO EXCUSES or their CONTRACT WILL BE TERMINATED.

 

Great entertainment!!

I just saw one assuring applicants that no work would be required before being hired...do they want a cookie for that?

no work wanted before being hired....as in...it is the norm that you work before 'perhaps' being the CHOSEN one? Ahm.....hm.

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