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Journaling the end

Ace Contributor
Md E Member Since: Apr 26, 2018
101 of 138

BIll H.GIFMost of the time I see your photo lower right corner of my screen named Bill H just below of your photo whenever I come to the community page. And I smile looking at your photo, don’t know why.
Today reading your post, really my heart breaks. Don’t know what to say you. I am so much younger than you, maybe younger than your child. I know, you know how to live up life. Just enjoy your life. Do whatever your mind says. I want to see your photo just the lower right corner of my screen every time, your posts.
Love you man. Lots of love.

Community Guru
Bill H Member Since: Aug 18, 2017
102 of 138



Peace be upon you.


When seeing my image, most people don't smile, they laugh out loud. How refreshing!


You have an attitude that will make you a good freelancer, which might make you a successful freelancer as well. The two are quite different. When I was commissioned in the military, a wise man told me that at some point I will need to decide whether to be a good officer or a successful officer. It took a decade for me to learn why.


A freelancer who serves the client's interest before his own bank balance's interest is a good one. One who serves his own financial interest first, and does what the client asks even though it's worthless, can be viewed as successful. I'd rather be good than successful, although several people have pointed out I'm unlikely ever to be either one.

Community Guru
Wendy C Member Since: Aug 24, 2015
103 of 138

"I'd rather be good than successful, although several people have pointed out I'm unlikely ever to be either one."


I agree with the first part ... and happy to contest the last bit.

Community Guru
Bill H Member Since: Aug 18, 2017
104 of 138

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I need to revisit the surgeon; the symptoms, which were fixed by the shunt, came back with a roar last weekend, including a new one, short-term memory loss. Getting an appointment with the neurosurgeon was first on my to-do list every day. Friday was the first day I remembered to look at the to-do list.

Community Leader
Bruce D Member Since: Oct 1, 2015
105 of 138



My word.  I just read this thread in one sitting. 


I'm very sorry to hear about your dilemma.  Posting so genuinely is brave. Also helpful to others, I think. We are all in the same boat, in the end.  But we don't all face our situation so directly.


As a novelist you should appreciate that this thread reads like a great epistolary novelette. 


Best wishes!



Community Guru
Bill H Member Since: Aug 18, 2017
106 of 138

Thanks, Bruce. Things have gone to hell in a handbasket lately. Symptoms are back, the neurosurgeon needs to adjust the shunt flow, but I've just developed diverticulitis and a hernia so painful I cannot walk or move my torso. I have notified my clients that I will retire not later than December 31 of this year.If I- don't, I may fail them.


Each needs a broadly-talented strategist who knows at least a little bit about everything and has top-tier management consulting capabilities, but chooses to work with smaller businesses. I think there are four other such people in the USA, so I reached out to one of them and offered to introduce my clients to her. We're starting early on the transition so that my clients' needs and Joan's needs can be met.


I feel good about this, and know that with Joan they're left in excellent hands. The only thing I do better than her is urinate standing up.

Community Guru
Jacqueline P Member Since: Dec 28, 2015
107 of 138

You may not even want to hear this, but I think it's possible that this is a bad patch and things could get better. 


I sure hope so. You're a very cool person. 



Community Leader
Bruce D Member Since: Oct 1, 2015
108 of 138



You are certainly crossing t's and dotting i's.   This is highly to your credit.


Did you say you were a published novelist?  If so, would you mind sharing some titles?





Community Guru
Bill H Member Since: Aug 18, 2017
109 of 138

Each day has a small victory. Today I was able to put on socks and shoes by myself. Yesterday, I was able to stand long enough to shave. The day before that I was able to sleep two straight hours.


Put simply, my life has crashed. I’ve been in excruciating pain most of the time for two weeks. Walking is a major chore, and after fifteen meters the muscles in my abdomen are screaming, I can’t maintain my balance, and I’m out of breath. I'm nine levels down inside a rabbit hole that started with "How to deal with the apathy?" In the past two weeks I've been in and out of hospitals every couple of days, unable to walk unassisted, rarely able to get out of a chair. Surgeon can't address the loss of balance and increasingly inadequate short-term memory until I solve a couple of issues further up the chain in the rabbit hole.


I've pre-emptively termiated all current consultig work, unable to trust myself to turn out adequate work. Same with executive coaching; I turned down a Board membership because I would be a liability. I'm focused on finishing two business books and three novels underway. I am thankful for the wonderful people of the Upwork community whose support has meant a great deal. I will probably keep my membership in UW for a while, but I'm no longer regularly competing for work.



Avery O Moderator Member Since: Nov 23, 2015
110 of 138

If it gives you any comfort to update us on this thread every now and then, we'll be happy to connect with you here. 

My dad who has dementia has resorted to gardening, and music mostly. My mom who has parkinson's resorted to cooking, and chores. I hope you find something that will keep your mind off your illness, and on to discovering what other things may interest you. 


Hang in there, Bill!