What's the funniest gig you've had as a freelancer?

[#1]

I have several, but this past weekend certainly qualifies.

I was contracted to do a monster sales page for an equal monster broadband provider.

Before I EVEN start, let it be known I myself am a subscriber, I curse them on a dang near daily basis for 20+ years. No the client had no idea, but my friends were howling with tears of laughter as I read the arse-kissing wonders of said provider to them. Some said I was going to that hot place with an even hotter jolt of lightning right where the sun don't shine.

Well, the thing required hours of intense research. Days, really. Yours truly slogging away - and the internet drops. Repeat. Repeat. All WEEKEND repeat.

I get the thing turned in, and in yet more fury I call the provider to try and find out if a storm forced water into the lines, squirrels have been at it again, etc. etc. etc. The first time I call, they rebooted the modem as per. So I call back in the requested 10 minutes, to be told by robot "YOU just rebooted your modem we see. Goood. Now please hold for tech support."

I held. And held - and after 20 minutes? So help me gawd a nasty robot said "We are experiencing technical difficulties." BAM! hangs up on me.

I'm madly pulling that sales puffery, changing it to solid miserable cursing....

lololol!

[#2]

I will always remember the Japanese menu edit that happened to say: We like to eat children. I laughed for days. They meant to say: We cater for children. 

[#3]

More than once I've had to edit sex scenes where I've ended up drawing sketches to prove to myself that what's being described is anatomically impossible. (That's excluding the third arms that seem to creep into such scenes.)

[#4]

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Kim F wrote:

More than once I've had to edit sex scenes where I've ended up drawing sketches to prove to myself that what's being described is anatomically impossible. (That's excluding the third arms that seem to creep into such scenes.)

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Lol! I've had that in some of  my translation work.  

[#5]

Somewhat off topic but worth sharing.  I once did a commercial for toothpaste.  I had to smile, dance and brush my teeth all at once for like 3 minutes.  And I got paid in toothpaste and they gave me the toothbrush I used!!  I still laugh when I think about.

[#6]

That made me remember... I was doing a thing for MTV many moons ago and we had to film an outdoors snippet of walking up to my house. Again and again. Everyone was getting impatient. That's probably why the cameraman was so busy watching us he walked straight into a lampost.

[#7]

aw gawd I'm going to regret this, but YOU two ladies got the memories going.

Many many moons ago, I was modeling, doing commercials, the occasional flick. Got offered this 'speaking' part in a flick, very interesting should one want to join SAG - as I desperately did.

One 'small' issue: they wanted me bare-arsed in this one scene. Uh uh not happening, said I...

"Oh but Cat, this is going directly to drive-thrus, nobody will ever see it."

"IT is not what I'm worried about folks seeing."

"C'mon, it's a tax write-off. You know about these things." Well yes I did. And the money was BIG for back in the day - I was a broke actress, you know the score.

AND of course, nobody would ever see the thing. I'd read the script: puerile crap. Nobody ever WOULD see it.

Name of the flick?

Porky's. 

I rest my case. (Almost got laid to rest when my PARENTS were alerted that "Cathy's in a NAKED movie!"

[#8]

Cat - so it's you I've been fantasizing about for 35 years.

Louisa - ten years ago my wife and I were on a Mexican Riviera cruise, reading the descriptions of shore excursions. My favorite ended this way, "after which you will learn to cook and eat a Mexican"

[#9]

I had to build an HTML5 video player for a client. I didn't ask what kind of video it was, but once the contract started he warned me that the video had adult themes. Lets just say it was an "adult sex education" sales video. The video was so ridiculous I couldn't help but to laugh.

[#10]

Betcha ask NEXT time! lololol

[#11]

These stories make me think of Jame Thurber's comment that "the naked truth about me is to the naked truth about Salvador Dali as an old ukulele in the attic is to a piano in a tree".

[#12]

I got invited to one today, Basically a, "Do my PhD for less that what a Janitor gets" For a fixed price contract which does not even cover a weeks work, the client wants me to:

1. Investigate a domain and find an unsolved problem.
2. Do the basic research, find the solution and implement it
3. Document the research and write a paper that should get accepted at an international journal of repute.

I am not sure whether he also wants me to meet and update his prof regularly on the status of research.

[#13]

Good grief.  Hope you flagged it as academic fraud.

[#14]

Regretfully, Upwork does not have a flag for academic fraud 😞

[#15]

Apart for the Upwork TOS violation that are the 'do my academic work' jobs, fixed price jobs not paying the weekly wage as four hourly contracts, but lasting way longer, are not a good idea.

[#16]

My background is in public health and health communication. A year or so ago, I worked on a project writing the copy for a poster about the different kinds of poop and what they signify about your health. Each type of poop was represented by a cartoon character with a silly name and a matching personality. It was fun to work on because I could be creative, but you could say it was kind of a sh**ty job. 

[#17]

A client for whom I wrote website content contacted me after a few months after closing out the contract, asking me to add supplied photos to his various products. His reason for this was that he did not want someone he didn't know getting access to his site. 

I didn't mind. It was a matter of upload, put in the correct place, and click update. Took me no time for a fair price.

[#18]

I had a client pay money for a video solely script about Ariana Grande. I know the content is popular, but it was quite a funny project to write  

[#19]

I did a website for a jail. I was quite a novice in Flash, but I had been given time to learn the bits I missed to finish the nice presentation - that even started with "Welcome"...

If only I wasn't given that time by the same people I worked for... I WAS ACTUALLY IN THAT SAME PRISON, AS A CONVICT 🙂
I was sentenced to 3 months, for the car accident I was not even guilty of (but, of course, this is what they all say).

I did not get the sentence reduced for a great Flash presentation, but for good behavior. Still, 2+ months were more than enough to learn enough Flash (back in 2005) to get great first gigs on Elance (that grew into UpWork).

If I did not lose my steady job, by going to prison, I might never have guts to become a "pure freelancer" 🙂
THANK YOU, to everyone involved in the process of my rehabilitation!

[#20]

Not a funny job per se, but sometimes clients include files in their job postings for proofreading an English to German translation. Some of those translations are so bad that I almost want to spend a few connects to tell them how bad they are - but I definitely don't want to be the person to correct them....

Recently there was a highly technical text about chemical procedures citing various stipulations to be adhered to as required by the German chemistry association (I'm paraphrasing) They had translated German chemistry association into German Chechnya association. 

Nothing that could go wrong here, right?