Rate this proposal for eLearning

[ilannamandel]

Hello All;

I'm wondering if my proposals just aren't hitting the mark. Here's one I often use for eLearning or curriculum projects, although I individualize it for the client. 

Dear Sir or Madam:
I'm pleased to submit my credentials for your review. With an MA in Education and thirteen years of curriculum design, I excel in designs for eLearning, in-class delivery, and blended learning. As a designer, I’m accustomed to taking a project from concept to completion, and create out of the box thinking in order to bring a true vision to the work. I have also written syllabi for certificate, diploma and degree programs for colleges and universities.
My experience includes full courses, lesson plans, workbooks/manuals, workshops, certificate and diploma programs, website content, and brochures. My toolbox includes all of the strategies you require including facilitator tools, web-based training, curriculum, videos, and animations. I have an exceptional background in PowerPoint and various e-learning software programs such as Storyline 360, Adobe Captivate, Vyond, Lectora, and Snagit.
Thank you very much for the opportunity to submit my interest to you. I welcome your review of my enclosed resume and samples, and very much look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Ilanna Sharon Mandel, MA

[robin_hyman]

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ILANNA M wrote:

Dear Sir or Madam:
I'm pleased to submit my credentials for your review. With an MA in Education and thirteen years of curriculum design, I excel in designs for eLearning, in-class delivery, and blended learning. As a designer, I’m accustomed to taking a project from concept to completion, and create out of the box thinking in order to bring a true vision to the work. I have also written syllabi for certificate, diploma and degree programs for colleges and universities.
My experience includes full courses, lesson plans, workbooks/manuals, workshops, certificate and diploma programs, website content, and brochures. My toolbox includes all of the strategies you require including facilitator tools, web-based training, curriculum, videos, and animations. I have an exceptional background in PowerPoint and various e-learning software programs such as Storyline 360, Adobe Captivate, Vyond, Lectora, and Snagit.
Thank you very much for the opportunity to submit my interest to you. I welcome your review of my enclosed resume and samples, and very much look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Ilanna Sharon Mandel, MA

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Hi Ilanna,

Remove: "I'm pleased to submit my credentials for your review." - of course you are, that's why you are paying to apply to their job. 

Lead with your # of years experience and the MA in education secondary.  

Discuss their needs/criteria as the one thing you excel in the MOST.  Attach relevant examples.  Your laundry list of examples should be featured in your profile - only list the 3 strongest/most relevant in the proposal.  Unless powerpoint is required for this job post, remove it.  

Remove: "Thank you very much for the opportunity to submit my interest to you." - they don't know you (yet) and this is a public post. 

Definitely customize to each post.  Sometimes fewer, more impactful words make a difference.

Good luck! 

Robin Hyman MBA 

[ilannamandel]

Thanks, Robin, great advice!

[melaniekhenson]

Ooooh no! Too long! Try just two short and to-the-point paragraphs, then two or three links to relevant work examples, then a one-sentence closing. JMO.

And I wouldn't lead with "here are my credentials"...lead with what you can do *for the client* and then if you do mention your credentials, make that part brief, maybe one or two sentences at the most. The client can find out your education and work history by reading your profile if she is interested. 

Personalize your proposal right off the bat to the client's project. She should see something that seems non-generic very quickly.

Also, no "Dear Sir or Madam." Try "Hi, Julie!" or "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mark. I'd love to create fashion descriptions that will grab your site visitors' attention" or something like that.

JMO.

[ilannamandel]

Okay then. I've been wondering why I get such a low rate of response! Stupid
question, but how do people here describe what they can do? There are only so
many ways to say, I can design a unique eLearning curriculum created to meet the
needs of your specific learners.

[versailles]

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ILANNA M wrote:
Okay then. I've been wondering why I get such a low rate of response! Stupid
question, but how do people here describe what they can do? There are only so
many ways to say, I can design a unique eLearning curriculum created to meet the
needs of your specific learners.

---

Your cover letters looks exactly like the ton of others. If possible, try to personalize it depending on the job post. More information the post has, easier it is. Don't talk about you too much and cut the superfluous. Tell them what you can do and how.

I've posted job ads and I can tell you, anything that doesn't sound copy/pasted stands out. You have no idea.

[melaniekhenson]

---

ILANNA M wrote:
Okay then. I've been wondering why I get such a low rate of response! Stupid
question, but how do people here describe what they can do? There are only so
many ways to say, I can design a unique eLearning curriculum created to meet the
needs of your specific learners.

I keep paragraphs SHORT - clients won't read a wall of text - and then bullet-point the specifics.

Also, I wouldn't say "I can." Clients want you to put your money where your mouth is, so be more direct. Simply headline the section - Proficiences or Published Project Categories or whatever (I don't know how you'd designate specifics of history in elearning, so state it however it's appropriate) - and then make your list.

"I can design a unique curriculum" - How? Just put the very basic steps in your list. I.e. Research and organize data * Develop a timeline for your students * Create a concise, error-free PDF file of the curriculum (or whatever).

JMO.

[ilannamandel]

Oh yes, that is much better. I've got work to do. Thanks again.

[florydev]

All my opinion but...

You are making the same mistake I think most people do.  You are not writing a cover letter for a resume you are writing a cover letter for a proposal.  You need to answer the client's problem with a solution, not a blurb about who you are and what experience you have.

Imagine yourself as a client.  Let's say you have a problem,  your sink is busted, and  you have water leaking out all over the place.  Would you want the plumber you call to solve your problem to give you the run-down of their credentials first.  I am pretty sure I would hire the guy that could direct me to the shutoff valve and then tell me that my piffle valve is broken (I clearly know nothing about plumbing). 

People come here because they have problems they want solved.  Your proposal should answer the problem that they posed.  Your profile should speak to your ability to solve those kind of problems.  Your history tells the story of what you know how to do.

The first line of your cover letter is a hook.  You cannot waste it on Dear Sir or Madam: I'm pleased to submit my credentials for your review.  If you have never seen the client hiring screen that is about all they are going to see of it unless they click to open it further.  You need to put something engaging there to get their attention how about something like:

The biggest challenge in curriculum design often turns out to be...

Your first line in your proposal should make them want to read the whole thing.  The whole proposal should make them want to open your profile.  Your description in your profile should make them want to read the whole profile.  The whole profile should make them want to message you.  Your communication from there is about building a relationship to make them want to hire you.

The easiest way, I believe, to win any client is to show them something about their project they haven't thought of before.  One of my favorite things to hear a client say is "oh, that had not occurred to me."

That is why you NEED ME!

[ilannamandel]

My goodness - I should have asked this months ago! It never occurred to me there
was something wrong with my approach until this past week. I have been applying
for so many projects with such little response. I really have to change this.
Thanks for the wonderful feedback!

By the way, I am building a profile on eLearning Heroes at Articulate.com Do
you feel it's okay to give a link and send them there instead of attaching a
bunch of samples?

[florydev]

Again, IMO, I could definitely be wrong on this, and I also do not do what you do ...

I would not typically send them anything unsolicitied unless I think I really understand what they want and that the sample I send coorelates exactly.  Because if I guess wrong then it is more likely to have no effect or hurt me than help me.  I am instead way more likely to say something like:  I have many great examples I can show you once I understand better what your needs are.   Again, the way I see it is you drop the proposal down and let them take next steps.

If they ask for samples and you think that what you have done on the link is good and professional then send it.  I don't see why not.  

[r_satta]

Thank you, Mark. I really appreciated your suggestion since I have the same problem as Illana. I'm really terrible when it comes down to sending proposals, mostly because most of the times the client doesn't know what she/he needs and the job offer is devoid of details, and I don't really like to talk about nothing.

I actually stopped writing "Dear sir/madam" since it would have been a waste of space, but I'm sure I miss a catchy first line, like the one I put at the end of my general profile's description. Would that be good in your opinion to start a proposal? I personally think that is too daring, but I guess I will never know unless I try 

[florydev]

I would put it on the top of your profile. I think a good hook is situational, so you can’t have a catch phrase, you want to say something specific to what they are doing.

I would never say anything I couldn’t deliver but does that mean I never have doubts about what I say I can deliver? Heck no, I have loads of them.

So if you believe it, and you know you can deliver it, be bold. Your other option is boring.