Leah,
Cool, California. You made that up, right? You had to of ...
So, anyway, there's a woman on the forums named Debra F who bills herself as a Beta Reader. I scanned her profile a few days ago, just snooping around. (I'm a writer, so I wanted to know what a Beta Reader was.)
Anyway, she seems pretty bright and very savvy. I recommend you go over to the Coffee Break section of the forums and scroll down until you find the thumbnail of this woman and check out her profile. See what you can learn from that.
For my money, you kind of missed the boat in your opening First, you should not say "Hi there." (But I just looked at Debra F's profile again and she says "Hi there," too -- oops.)
After not saying "Hi there," I just don't love your opening sentence. I don't like the syntax of "with .... publishing to my name." Shouldn't that be "with awards and many articles published ..."
After that, you never name the awards, so it felt like you were just not focused.
After that, I was pleased to see that your article that starts with the anniversary of the moon landing (I was watching from the Wylie's living room, sitting on the floor -- pretty memorable moment in history). That article is nicely focused. Just to say so.
But here, you go next into "I have helped authors and students achieve their dreams ..." and I would recommend you cross out the words "and students." There are not many students who come to Upwork to hire freelancers. So, the concept of students here is a bit distracting.
I think that's part of what's askew here. Clients on Upwork want results. They don't care if you're dedicated. They don't care if you're a great teacher. The way to sound like you are results oriented is to 1) Sound like you're a professional who can deliver a great end product ("I can turn a manuscript into a publication-ready product that will thrill your readers ...") and 2) the way to do that is to pretend you've been doing this for 10 years. If you sound like you're just getting started, they will look for someone else. (Profiles are all about how confident you are.)
"Many essential skills that I possess will help be the wings to your dreams," is flat out a poor sentence, all metaphor-wacky and oddly wispy. I know you can do that clearer, simpler, more assertive, without the dancing around.
"I can help you better than AI." Again -- you can do much better than that.
In fact, I know you can do better than that, because the rest is terrific. I'm not sure why you shifted to the third person, however. "Makes sure, timelines, characters and details ..." Shouldn't that be "I make sure." It sounds like "[She] Makes sure."
"Publication Precision" and "Style Shapeshifter" and "Consistency Conductor," ... all terrific. Great word choices. You write very well ... the style of writing I really like. (You understand the honesty of words. That's a great trick for writers.)
Now go check out Debra F. Her voice actually sounds a bit like yours.
Now, I have to see if Cool, California, is made up or not.
Good luck.
Community Manager
