Getting started

[#1]

Could someone who is in the know, please, check if my Profile is all right now, if I am not violating any rules or anything?

[#2]

I don't see anything on your profile that would be against the TOS. However, I would advise you to put your language pair(s) at the top of your profile, if possible into your title. I guess you do EN to NL and PT to NL. As a client, I find it really important when I'm browsing for freelancers to invite. A translator who doesn't state their source languages upfront won't get more than a second of my attention.

I strongly advise you against this: "(...) but in compensation I’ll do my first project for you at half my hourly rate if you like, or a $0.05 per word rate."

If I see this, I would think that you are not serious about charging more than 5 cents per word. And you should.

Also, this is how you appear in search:

Not much real estate, so make it count!

[#3]

Thanks, Rene K! I appreciate your advice.

When I came to the bit about how I appear in search ('not much real estate') it got very dark though - inside my head that is. I've never been a dazzling light, I'm afraid, not even a wee bit bright. So, could you, please, elaborate a bit? Thanks!

[#4]

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@Jaap S wrote:

Thanks, Rene K! I appreciate your advice.

When I came to the bit about how I appear in search ('not much real estate') it got very dark though - inside my head that is. I've never been a dazzling light, I'm afraid, not even a wee bit bright. So, could you, please, elaborate a bit? Thanks!

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 My point is, you get only two lines of text displayed. Make them count.

[#5]

Jaap, you're not violating any rules but to be honest as a client I would look at it and just go "What the hell???"

Too many services offered, too much waffle, too much "me, myself and I" and forget about the whole "money back but not the Upwork fee" nonsense, clients have dispute capacities built in and if you DO give a refund the fee gets refunded too.

It is also a scam-magnet.

No cheap tricks of the "I give you a huge discount" sort - you're not a used car salesman.

The opening words make me scratch my head and wonder what that has to do with translation, the rest is too verbose, jumps from one (largely irrelevant) thing to the other, and the bit with "Or listen to Arthur Godfrey, retired school teacher in Scarborough: “Your command of English, Jaap, is superior to my former colleagues’!” " made me feel a bit nauseous.

You really need to get back to basics.

What do you offer, what do you bring to table, what is your experience? No bla-bla, no 'Selbstbeweihräucherung...'

No obscure "I want to sound clever or funny" references, such as the Dr. Phil or philistine one - this is a global platform, many clients will have no idea what the hell you are on about.

Once again I'd scrap the lot and start over.

Make it CLEAR what you are offering. Translation to your native language(s). Writing, editing, proofreading in your native language(s). The clients who would be willing to pay your rate for English will either (quite rightly) choose a native speaker, or your profile will suffer when you deliver work in "not native" English, especially when you were hired by a native English speaker. You might get away with it for a non-native English speaker but it's still not a great idea.

[#6]

Thanks, Petra! I always prepare myself for a lashing, but I did not see that one coming - although I am sure I deserved it. 

Actually I never sold a thing in my entire life - let alone, myself. That's why I followed a crash course a couple of weeks ago. I actually thought that I got it now. As a matter of fact I found my catch phrase 'Your ROI is my king' very clever (and funny) - you're right! 

Well, I guess I was wrong. Back to the drawing board. 

Thank you again! I needed that.

[#7]

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@Jaap S wrote:

As a matter of fact I found my catch phrase 'Your ROI is my king' very clever (and funny) - you're right! 

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Ah... I just got it!

How about: "Your prophet is my Job"?

[#8]

That's a clever one, Richard. Although I feel that homophones might work better in an audio message than in a written one. Shan't use it, as that one is yours. 

Thanks anyway!

[#9]

This prophet is your profit - believe you me! 

[#10]

Gimicky profiles can work for some people in some categories.

Please trust me when I say that they are not going to work for a translator on a global platform.

Tell clients eloquently but concisely what you do and what that means for them. As long as strictly necessary, as brief as possible. No gimmicks.

Once you are established you can do what you like, within reason.

For now, making clients wonder what on earth you are on about (while failing to include the most important parts) is not the way forward.

[#11]

I trust you, Petra. However, as Upwork has a problem to every solution, concise doesn't work: 'Too short. An effective overview needs to be at least 300 characters.'

And, although I still trust you, I feel that a succinct catchphrase may very well install itself in the back of the head of the reader. Therefore, over dinner I came up with 'Your anguish is my command', as I do realise 'This prophet is your profit' won't pass your Selbstbeweihräucherungsverbot (I simply love German - please, forgive me father!). 

Thank you very much for your help!

[#12]

Over dinner I came up with 'your anguish is my command'. Howzat?

[#13]

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@Jaap S wrote:

Over dinner I came up with 'your anguish is my command'. Howzat?

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 Again, remember, many of your potential clients won't be native speakers of English. Especially if you do PT to NL.

[#14]

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@Jaap S wrote:

Over dinner I came up with 'your anguish is my command'. Howzat?

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Howzat? Dreadful.

I give up.

How does that relate to translation, and why do you think there is any "anguish" involved in the first place and why do you have that overwhelming desire to turn your profile into some kind of verbose caricature of a late 80s British slapstick comedy?

[#15 · Accepted solution]

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@Jaap S wrote:

Actually I never sold a thing in my entire life - let alone, myself.

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Jaap, selling yourself is the hardest thing to do. What may work is to write a profile for somebody else. Look for English to Dutch translators on Upwork with similar experience as yours and pick one whose profile is poorly written. Make them a nice profile and then, put your name on it. Et voilà.