It's not too bad. I feel it's a little bit biased towards 'what you've done in the past' rather than 'why you're here and what you can offer clients in the here and now' though. Yes, what you've done in the past is important, as it lets people know you have the skills and experience to provide what they're looking for... but I feel it's important to get a bit of a 'selling vibe' on the go.
This is a slight (if not extreme) exaggeration, but you get the idea:
"Looking for your IT data to be analyzed? Not getting the results you're looking for? Maybe you've tried the rest and now want to try the best? Well look no further! I can meet all your IT data analyzing needs and free you from the shackles of data depression today! No more worrying, no more stress... you'll have all the free time you've ever wanted to take up a hobby, spend more time with the family, or just finish that great book you never got to finish from countless sleepless nights of IT data-induced fear and abject horror.
So hire me today, and lead a happier life... forever. Order today and get a set of knives that can cut through stainless steel and bone. Order now as supplies are limited!"
That's the way I see it anyway. Always consult a doctor before taking my profile advice.
It's hard going from real job to this, because the pitch is 100% different. And, errrything is all in the proposal and the portfolio.
It's all in the pretty. People like to look at things. So you need a portfolio. It's different than a resume which is all about qualifications and what you've done.
I can think of ways that you can come up with things and make them look pretty in the data analysis field. I'm sure you can too.
For inspiration (don't copy!), take a look at /r/dataisbeautiful