Crazy Job Postings Part II

[#1]

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

[#2]

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@Ray C wrote:

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@Renata S wrote:

Someone is looking for a freelancer to collect 500 hours worth of audio of wind gusts (but not blowing or howing wind, and it can't include any human voices). Previous jobs by the same client have included 500 hours of yelling. 

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Ooh, I should tell my ex about this!

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 😄 The yelling or the wind? 

[#3]

She was senior gusty wind bag for a software dev company in the valley
before quitting to yell at me full time. Poor thing never should have quit
her day job because i know longer had a need for that particular skillset.

[#4]

A translation job where "single words and short phrases are most important to have good translations for. (For the Help content Google or Bing translate should be sufficient with some spot checking for accuracy.)"

[#5]

Whenever I see jobs like "need experienced designer/artist/whatever for easy job, needs to be expert at (and here goes long list of software, not even related sometimes to what they want), easy job, great to start your Upwork carreer" and they have budget $5-$10. That's not even crazy. That's... pathetic. More pathetic when I see people actually bidding on it O_O

[#6]

Yep, that's what we do here, sort through the pathetic bin for something that's not an insult to our intelligence...  profession...  economy... cat... cat's economy... for someone to throw us a bone and not some shade. We have a lot of clients who expect the worst and at the prices they offer, they often get it. And look at the alternatives whose names I'll change slightly lest I encourage defectors: Ssixer, who has bottom-of-the-barrel built into the name; Paidlancer, whose real name is more accurate in terms of what you're working for; Thumbtake  ...your money before you even get hired, and several other notably non-notables. So these are the things we put upwork, er with. When you see a client put up a $5 job, look at it this way, their price is what they offer, your price is what you'll do it for.  you can suggest that they up theirs, or you can up yours, or tell 'em "up yours!"

[#7]

What I have found (and believe me this is NOT EASY) is that letting my own cynicism creep into the equation is deadly to my results. There is plenty of professional-level work here on Upwork, but it's a lot like climbing a mountain...the good stuff is at the top. You have to prove yourself to get to the professional-level well-paid jobs...and cynicism kills your mojo of attracting those types of clients faster than anything. 

You sort of have to put blinders on and not look at c**p like this and certainly not let it seep into your attitudes. You just have to keep going and sifting through for the good clients. Get a few of those and get five-star ratings for every job you agree to, and you can break out of this h**l of seeing only the c**p and wading through it to the point of cynicism.

Like I said, it's not easy, but it has become easy to me from working with this kind of approach.

Suzi

[#8]

Suzi,
Cynicism, for me, in the right setting, is simply a way of venting so it
*doesn't* creep into my work and interaction with clients. I've been here,
and other freelancing platforms as well as going at it alone long enough to
know what is creeping into my interactions. Which is why I have a 100% job
success score and a long list of great reviews from happy clients. One does
need to recognize what a lot of the jobs and clients are so one can avoid
them.

Occasionally i'll apply to one of those $5 jobs and simply state my
standard price for the services they require and often they go for it. But
I tell them what they are getting and why it costs that much. Mostly these
are simply newcomers to business who don't know what's involved and they
are hoping to get something for nothing but when they work with me and
they not only get a great result that increases their appeal and bottom
line, but also an education about how this works and what to expect in the
future, they are happy to pay a fair price for a valuable service. Of
course you can't approach clients with cynicism but this is "coffee break"
and "crazy job postings." we're just having fun here. 🙂

[#9]

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Ray C wrote:

Occasionally i'll apply to one of those $5 jobs and simply state my
standard price for the services they require and often they go for it. But
I tell them what they are getting and why it costs that much. Mostly these
are simply newcomers to business who don't know what's involved and they are hoping to get something for nothing but when they work with me and they not only get a great result that increases their appeal and bottom
line, but also an education about how this works and what to expect in the
future, they are happy to pay a fair price for a valuable service.

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I tried that once, and it led to my only poor review so far! The client agreed to pay my price, and then complained afterwards that I was too expensive. I should add, though, that he wasn't new to Upwork and had a history of paying $5-10 per job, so he'd already been educated to expect freelancers to work for peanuts.

[#10]

If they've been around Upwork for a while and they're still budgeting $5 for anything I bounce 'em like bubo! that's a CFH for sure. Hey, I've got horror stories too, I don't mean to sound glib, I've paid my dues and had the blues. One client who seemed smart, reasonable, everything was going fine, she reassured me she was really happy and we were real close to nailing it, I was on the last round of changes, $400 worth of work 99% done and she goes "I was talking to my web designer and he thought I should go in a different direction with the branding. It's not your fault, I just changed my mind so thank you for your help and just send me a refund. Bye."

I'm not even exaggerating. To this day I can't fathom what was going through this person's mind.  And talking to her was like making funny noises and hoping it's a language somebody speaks. Finally I managed to explain to her that money has an actual purpose for some people other than being that stuff you hand the person at the close of a contract just as a symbolic gesture. I half expected her to say:

"So i have these greenish old guy pictures of, like, Jackson and some Jefferson dude. and these ones with some guy named Franklin. So, like, how many am I supposed to give you?"

She actually reminded me of my daughter when she was 3. She asked me to buy her something really expensive and I said I don't have enough money. She looks at me like I'm a dope and says: "Daddy, just go to the bank and get some more!" Hahaha!

"Ohmigod! This Hamilton dude does NOT look like a ten to me! Ma-a-a-aybe a four tops, but not with that hair."

[#11]

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Olga P wrote:

Whenever I see jobs like "need experienced designer/artist/whatever for easy job, needs to be expert at (and here goes long list of software, not even related sometimes to what they want), easy job, great to start your Upwork carreer" and they have budget $5-$10. That's not even crazy. That's... pathetic. More pathetic when I see people actually bidding on it O_O

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"Easy job" is a red flag. I don't read any further. Come to think of it, I should add 'NOT "easy job"' to my job feed search string.

P.S. On second thoughts, that would rule out a client who writes "this is not an easy job, and I'll pay accordingly"!

[#12]

I just saw a job post looking for a model to do nudes. Is that even allowed here?

[#13]

No, but i took the job anyway. He was very respectful and seemed really
nice in chat, everything went really well until i showed up at his door for
the photo session.

[#14]

The question is how long did it take for him to ask for your social security number and bank account and  routing numbers?

Suzi

[#15]

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Suzi E wrote:

The question is how long did it take for him to ask for your social security number and bank account and  routing numbers?

Suzi

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 _____________________

And was that before or after he got your clothes off...And then the check he gave you - did you cash it? 

[#16]

And was that before or after the great idea that if only you would help him move $39, 438,299 out of Nigeria, you could have 10% of it.

Suzi

[#17]

Nicola wrote:
And was that before or after he got your clothes off...And then the check he gave you - did you cash it? 

I didn't even get to take my clothes off! Some nonsense about me being the wrong gender! That's sexual discrimination if you ask me! So I beat him up and took his Gucci lamp.

Hahaha! just kidding!

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[#18]

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Ray C wrote:

I didn't even get to take my clothes off! Some nonsense about me being the wrong gender! That's sexual discrimination if you ask me! So I beat him up and took his Gucci lamp.

Hahaha! just kidding!

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😄 

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[#19]

re: "I just saw a job post looking for a model to do nudes. Is that even allowed here?"

In all seriousness, it would simply be a bad business decision to try to hire models with a job post like that on Upwork, given the questionable allowability of such a post, and the availability of websites dedicated to providing such services.

modelmayhem.com and models4hire.com are just two of the well-established resources for hiring models of all types.

[#20]

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Preston H wrote:

re: "I just saw a job post looking for a model to do nudes. Is that even allowed here?"

In all seriousness, it would simply be a bad business decision to try to hire models with a job post like that on Upwork, given the questionable allowability of such a post, and the availability of websites dedicated to providing such services.

modelmayhem.com and models4hire.com are just two of the well-established resources for hiring models of all types.

Gee thanks for the links Pres'! Will i get a discount rate if I tell 'em Preston referred me? 🙂

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[#21]

Funny! Thanks a bunch for the laugh.

Suzi

[#22]

$45, 20 pages comic book, 12 hours to complete.  Get it while you can.

[#23]

Gee, I don't know why you're so greedy wanting $45!

Suzi

[#24]

The Adventures of Nocturno
Nocturno can only exist in total darkness and has never been seen. The
story begins with Nocturno lurking in total blackness where nothing can be
seen and just black out every panel except for a few dialog boxes. If they
want a story with dialog and captions it's an extra $500.

[#25]

Thank you for the morning laugh!

[#26]

Come to think of it I wouldn't even set up 20 pages of black boxes for $45. Then have to listen to the client complain, "The story isn't interesting eno-o-o-u-ugh."

Well, neither is $45.