Crazy Job Postings Part II

[#1]

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

[#2]

It tells me something about either my competitors or how they are being treated when my customers come at me like I’m a ne'er-do-well trying to jack them for a deposit. A guy posted a job of an undetermined scope with a budget of 10k. Then threatened to report anyone who bids 10k because he just put that price up to weed out the scammers. The implication being that no freelancer should ever charge 10k for anything and if they do they’re a scammer. This sounds like someone who has either been burned or is a burn. (on a side note he actually posted 100k but said he posted 10k. None the less, trembling with fear of being reported (for the crime of bidding the posted budget!) I bid a million, haha! kidding,)

Another logo seeker included in his job title, “(No cut and paste)” he meant no clip art. He also said he assumed designing this logo was a one hour job. And asked that we submit our concept for his logo with the bid. As if a real designer would give it that much thought without asking questions, doing research and, of course, having a contract. He also wanted the logo to depict the words in his name literally. I threw away 2 connect explaining, as politely as I could, everything that was offensive about his proposal which was everything. Did i mention the budget was $40?

If you are not already doing it, I encourage others to occasionally (if they can afford to) invest in a little client education. Think of it as an investment in the future of mankind. I may have been a little patronizing, I’m only human. But arrogant ignorance seems to be a scourge among those who have the means to get away with it and the onus is on all of us to call it out. But do it with compassion because who among us has not at some point irritated the heck out of a professional? Be honest. it’s easy to make that mistake. But when someone makes EVERY mistake possible in one job post, it warrants a little constructive slap on the wrist, I feel.

Sorry for the all bold but Helvetica Planck Thin is not a font my optic nerve appreciates. 

[#3]

I don't normally waste connects on those guys BUT when I get invitation from someone who needs legal advice but "can't afford a lawyer", I take the time to explain that for me to do that would constitute the unlawful practice of law.  No idea if they even understand but it makes me feel better anyway.

[#4]

re: "I take the time to explain that for me to do that would constitute the unlawful practice of law."

Because you are a paralegal?

What if I did it?

[#5]

Obviously, Preston, that would be illegal as well.  You cannot practice law or give legal advice if you are not a lawyer.

[#6]

Yesterday I was scrolling through the sea of $.01/word offerings and feeling pretty discouraged about it. I should have known it would only get worse:

$5 to write an entire ebook. Sure.

And another:

Someone posted this job five separate times, with slightly different wording, but the same crap rate. $5/1500 words OR $8/2500 words Or $10/3500. As many of these as you can churn out by next week.

It's been slim pickings for a while, but never *this* bad. And I'm pretty cheap, but not that cheap, dang.

[#7]

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Sarah C wrote:
Yesterday I was scrolling through the sea of $.01/word offerings and feeling pretty discouraged about it. I should have known it would only get worse:

$5 to write an entire ebook. Sure.

And another:

Someone posted this job five separate times, with slightly different wording, but the same crap rate. $5/1500 words OR $8/2500 words Or $10/3500. As many of these as you can churn out by next week.

It's been slim pickings for a while, but never *this* bad. And I'm pretty cheap, but not that cheap, dang.

---

These prices almost make me nostalgic. I imagine a time when a whole house from Sears cost 1500, and I sit on the porch in my pretty flowered dress, happily chugging along my great novel, while waving at the neighbors walking by .... ah no, not even then. 

[#8]

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Sarah C wrote:
Yesterday I was scrolling through the sea of $.01/word offerings and feeling pretty discouraged about it. I should have known it would only get worse:

$5 to write an entire ebook. Sure.

Sarah, I never bid what the budget says. Some clients want to save money so they start the bidding as low as possible but if they are reasonable clients they expect you to bid what it's worth. Sometimes I say,

"I realize $5 was a placeholder figure because you're not sure what it costs. Rest assured my price is fair and competitive for these services."

Or something like that and then charge what you are worth. I've even warned clients to be careful posting placeholder numbers because they will attract the riff raff and end up wasting time with some novice high school kid.

It's important that you confidently inform them of what quality service is worth. And I sometimes tell them the nightmare stories I've heard from other clients who posted jobs with unrealistic budgets.

I get a few less bites per bid but the ones i get are willing to pay for quality. And with that wording I'm not making them feel bad but instead giving them the benefit of the doubt.

But if they say "Please include this phrase, 'Freelancers are Slaves' so i know you read the proposal" then that's kind of a red flag haha!

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[#9]

Just got an invitiation to a featured post.

I wish I could copy-paste the post, it's so poorly written. There are sentence fragments and random capitialization. (Remind U.S. peeps of anyone?) They want someone with Laravel experience but it came out as "Larval". That made me laugh. They "are Adamant supporters of the United States Constitutions [sic]". The word  "America" appears three times and "Truth" twice.

Apparently they want to build a news site.

I'm going to decline the invitation but I'm trying to decide what I want to say when I do. They only want web designers and programmers. Should I recommend they get some writers and editors too?

[#10]

re: "I'm going to decline the invitation but I'm trying to decide what I want to say when I do. They only want web designers and programmers. Should I recommend they get some writers and editors too?"

Accepting an invitation costs you nothing, and doesn't commit you to anything.

Why not ACCEPT the invitation and tell them:

"Thank you for your invitation. I am a writer and editor. If you are targing an English-speaking audience with your website, I could help you with proofreading, writing new content, editing, etc. Feel free to reply if you would like an experienced, senior, native-English-speaking editor to help make your project a success."

[#11]

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Preston H wrote:

Accepting an invitation costs you nothing, and doesn't commit you to anything.

Why not ACCEPT the invitation and tell them:

"Thank you for your invitation. I am a writer and editor. If you are targing an English-speaking audience with your website, I could help you with proofreading, writing new content, editing, etc. Feel free to reply if you would like an experienced, senior, native-English-speaking editor to help make your project a success."

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I'm a programmer who happens to have better English writing skills than they do. If I had nothing else to do this week I might have accepted, just out of curiosity. But I can guess what their message is and I really don't want to help them spread it.

[#12]

Posted moments ago
"Budget : $5 "   (I reviewed the profile and is not just a placeholder)
------------ start
"Description; I would like to create a website that looks exactly like the one in the picture.
It should be a passion project - that's why the reward is low"

---------- end

Note; sorry to attach exact description but its a master piece. 

[#13]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (gasp!) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(Wheeze!) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...HAHAHAHAHA!
If I had seen that I would have spent two connects just to say exactly that. Because I am passionate about letting this guy know what a sack of donkey potatoes he is. The "reward" is low because he wants us to be passionate about going broke to help out someone who would own slaves if it were legal! Boy, that's more passion that I could muster in 3 lifetimes. It ought to say: "This should be a masochism project." Oh to see the profiles of the 30 to 50 people who bid on this project would be a fascinating study in human self-degradation.

We certainly know where all the lowest life forms on earth go after they grow appendages and drag themselves up from the primordial ooze.

[#14]

Laugh all you want...

But when the client says that the "reward is low," I think he's at least being honest.

[#15]

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Preston H wrote:

Laugh all you want...

But when the client says that the "reward is low," I think he's at least being honest.

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Well so was Hitler, Preston.

[#16]

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Khurram J wrote:

Posted moments ago
"Budget : $5 "   (I reviewed the profile and is not just a placeholder)
------------ start
"Description; I would like to create a website that looks exactly like the one in the picture.
It should be a passion project - that's why the reward is low"

---------- end

Note; sorry to attach exact description but its a master piece. 

---

Nothing wrong with being passionate. I, for example, am passionate about eating food and sleeping on a bed which is in a room with walls. 

[#17]

$5
Fixed-price
$$$
Expert level I am willing to pay higher rates for the most experienced freelancers

No... no, you are not. 

[#18]

I have never come across that tush files 

[#19]

"translate article about X (really generic) from english to italian" 

No other info such as number of words,100$ budget, 4 connetcs. 
This is the other way around

"I look for a reliable translator with high command of english to translate X words english to italian"

No other info such as type of the documents, 150$ budget, 6 connetcs.

"Will need the following language pairs: 
X- X
X - X
X - X

Second language must be native."
Nothing else, no budget, 2 connects.

Half of the jobs for the translators are like those. Either they are missing the number of pages/words/etc. or they are missing the type of document (legal/medical/technical/VIDEO GAME). Why should I even waste connects to ask them to provide more info? That should be mandatory.

Edit: obviously I don't send proposals to these jobs, but this is a dire situation, half of the offers are like these.

[#20]

I just received an invitation to interview today. It looked pretty normal until I saw that one of the questions they were asking was "How old are you". First I time I saw that asked which is of course irrelevant (in my area) and then I noticed that they invited 118 people. 118!?! I didn't actually think that was possible. 

This is one of those times I wish they included a middle finger emoji that I could use in response....

[#21]

I keep seeing the same job posting over and over again, with slightly different wording. It's the same $8/1500 words bull-hockey I posted about before, only now they want freelancers willing to write 20,000 words a day. Of well-researched material. For a long-term commitment. 

And, the more you write, the less you get paid. $12 for 3500 words. That's $.003/word. That should be a crime. 

*If* I could produce 20,000 words a day, I would not be getting paid $50 for it. 

Man, this RECURRING post really fires me up. 

[#22]

Just recently I saw a job for a $5 budget. I wasted 2 connects just to say.

Wow, five whole dollars? Why so much?

[#23]

Hi Sarah, 

I want to check this job post. I would appreciate it if you can send it to me through a private message so that I can look into this. Thank you!

[#24]

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Sarah C wrote:

I keep seeing the same job posting over and over again, with slightly different wording. It's the same $8/1500 words bull-hockey I posted about before, only now they want freelancers willing to write 20,000 words a day. Of well-researched material. For a long-term commitment. 

And, the more you write, the less you get paid. $12 for 3500 words. That's $.003/word. That should be a crime. 

*If* I could produce 20,000 words a day, I would not be getting paid $50 for it. 

Man, this RECURRING post really fires me up. 

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So if you do 300 words per hour, that comes out to 90 cents per hour, which is below the minimum 3 $ per hour, so you can flag the job  post for violation. 

[#25]

re: "So if you do 300 words per hour, that comes out to 90 cents per hour, which is below the minimum 3 $ per hour, so you can flag the job post for violation."

It is not appropriate to flag job postings based purely on your own personal math or your own pesonal opinions.

Fixed-price jobs are based on deliverables. They are not based on the amount of time it takes to complete a task.

[#26]

I just saw one where I think being paid is partially contingent on the client successfully running for President of the United States.