Crazy Job Postings

[pandoraharper]

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

Here's something I saw tonight:

US client, average pay under $6 per hour, no hourly hires so far, decent feedback, looking for 1 person to do:

Article Copywriting, Editing and Proofreading

Customer Service (Phone and Email)

Business Growth & Development

Blog Posting

Stand Operating Procedures Creation and Documentation

Online Research

Social Media Management

Event planning and scheduling

And finally: "Knowlege of WordPress Development, Facebook Ads, InfusionSoft, Bookkeeping, etc. a PLUS "

No mention in this posting if some of these items would be handled by other members of the team.

One word: Sheesh!

[colettelewis]

Here's a nice threatening job offer for entry writers:

Budget$8 for which you have to write one to three articles, find pictures, proofread, and upload to client's page. Everything will be checked for plagiarism (well of course!). But here's the rub (paraphrased):

No flexibility on price. Any freelancer who suggests other than an hourly rate or a rate "not in accordance to our job requirements" will be reported to Upwork.

You must write NO UPFRONT FEE  when you apply. If you don't, you will be reported for spamming!

😄

[yitwail]

Thanks to that NO UPFRONT FEE requirement, I located this job. 15 to 20 hopeful applicants already. At least he's only asking for good English & grammar, not perfect, considering he writes phrases like "in accordance to" (to instead of with) and "we have verify your work" 

I also noticed something rather peculiar: the Similar Jobs on Upwork section at the bottom shows 4 writing jobs with the exact same title, description, and $6 budget posted by apparently 4 different clients in 3 countries 

[VladimirG]

Hi John,

Please pm me the job post link and I'llask our team to review.

[yitwail]

Vladimir, I sent you the link. Thank you for looking into it.

[lysis10]

---

@John K wrote:

Thanks to that NO UPFRONT FEE requirement, I located this job. 15 to 20 hopeful applicants already. At least he's only asking for good English & grammar, not perfect, considering he writes phrases like "in accordance to" (to instead of with) and "we have verify your work" 

I also noticed something rather peculiar: the Similar Jobs on Upwork section at the bottom shows 4 writing jobs with the exact same title, description, and $6 budget posted by apparently 4 different clients in 3 countries 

---

 oooh doing a search on this phrase comes up with all kinds of cool stuff. There is one gig where they want 50 freelancers to write about credit repair. The rub is that the freelancer has to sign up for free credit repair. LOLOL I realize most people here have no money and their credit sucks, but I wonder how many dummies fell for this and ruined their credit score even more. LOL And that's if the guy isn't just collecting social security numbers to sell on the black market. HA

[numbsain]

Here's how i would answer that one.

You there, Client,

You WILL pay me $300 per article or you will be arrested. All work i provide will be accepted without question! Articles will be 100% plagiarized and you will love them anyway. OR BE ARRESTED. If you even breathe a word of this to anyone you will be eliminated. You will address me as Sir, Mr. Freelancer Sir. or Your Royal Majesty. You will now press hire and release the first and final milestone. You will then wait quietly for your job to be done after which you will give me a five star rating and a heartfelt review listing at least three things that are great about me! Now get out of my sight!!!!

All the best 

Mr. Freelancer

PS
Don't bother writing back unless you include the words "I'M NOT WORTHY OF BEING CALLED A HUMAN BEING!" 

[versailles]

[mwiggenhorn]

I prefer to be called "freelancer dear"....

[lysis10]

---

@Nichola L wrote:

Here's a nice threatening job offer for entry writers:

Budget$8 for which you have to write one to three articles, find pictures, proofread, and upload to client's page. Everything will be checked for plagiarism (well of course!). But here's the rub (paraphrased):

No flexibility on price. Any freelancer who suggests other than an hourly rate or a rate "not in accordance to our job requirements" will be reported to Upwork.

You must write NO UPFRONT FEE  when you apply. If you don't, you will be reported for spamming!

😄

---

 lol this is something I would waste connects on and bid high lol

[ravi_iitian]

---

@Nichola L wrote:

Here's a nice threatening job offer for entry writers:

Budget$8 for which you have to write one to three articles, find pictures, proofread, and upload to client's page. Everything will be checked for plagiarism (well of course!). But here's the rub (paraphrased):

No flexibility on price. Any freelancer who suggests other than an hourly rate or a rate "not in accordance to our job requirements" will be reported to Upwork.

You must write NO UPFRONT FEE  when you apply. If you don't, you will be reported for spamming!

😄

---

Nichola,

I think you got this part mixed up. The client does not want any freelancer to suggest an hourly rate.

On another note, one freelancer did actually manage to get $184.50 from this client; the lowest displayed payment is $1.11.

And this client has been around since 2012.

ETA: There are now 20 to 50 proposals. Gosh, how many suckers are there?

[prestonhunter]

Ravindra:

Good research and reporting. That's an interesting client. We may well laugh at him. But to his credit, although he is cheap, he is brutally honest and upfront about his cheapness. No freelancer goes into that job without knowing what she is dealing with.

[ravi_iitian]

---

@Preston H wrote:

Ravindran:

Good research and reporting. That's an interesting client. We may well laugh at him. But to his credit, although he is cheap, he is brutally honest and upfront about his cheapness. No freelancer goes into that job without knowing what she is dealing with.

---

Preston,

You got my name wrong. You might find Ravi a lot easier. 

Brutally honest or not, this fellow is an exploiter.

[yitwail]

Ravindra, he also claims "We will give EXCELLENT RATING AND REVIEW for completion of this job!" Since he doesn't promise an exact star rating, I'm sure that's permitted but it seems a bit shady to me.

[ravi_iitian]

---

@John K wrote:

Ravindra, he also claims "We will give EXCELLENT RATING AND REVIEW for completion of this job!" Since he doesn't promise an exact star rating, I'm sure that's permitted but it seems a bit shady to me.

---

Look at the last three feedbacks the freelancers have provided: terrible.

And that fellow has gone MIA on more than one occasion.

[colettelewis]

@ Ravindra,

I actually quoted that bit you highlighted (misplaced quote marks). But I wish now, I had applied for it (as Jen said)  and suggested everything they did not want - and then waited for the "report" fallout!  

If memory serves, the client has spent $600 since 2012 (unless I missed the "k" but I doubt it!).

[reinierb]

Anyone up for a long-term job?

Just saw a client looking for a "web editor" on a monthly basis. Which is fine, but the thing is that this client only wants to pay his contractor once every ten (10) months!

[numbsain]

That's cool: As long as he pays 10 month's up front deposit. What does he think you're selling mattresses?


We've got a huge overstock inventory of web development! Clearance sale! Everything must go! How do we do it?
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[sivavranagaro]

It's not crazy but it's weird to see exact same message repeats across multiple job postings. Did Upwork implement some generic message that client just chose and it appears bellow in job description?

It's this one: "This job was posted from a mobile device, so please pardon any typos or any missing details."

[VladimirG]

Hi Vesna,

The line you mentioned is by default included on all jobs posted from a mobile device.

[colettelewis]

---

@Vladimir G wrote:

Hi Vesna,

The line you mentioned is by default included on all jobs posted from a mobile device.

---

It is a bad idea. It produces sloppy job offers, and suggests a certain arrogance on the part of a client. It also puts his or her own work in a bad light. I have yet to see one job offer of this sort that suggests a professional attitude on the part of the client.

I cannot believe that all these clients are so busy, busy, so caught up in their successful entrepreneurial worlds, that they do not have the time to use their laptops or PCs to write a clear, and  more or less gramatically correct, job offer. 

[wendy_writes]

+ 1 to Nichola's statement.  

[ravi_iitian]

---

@Vladimir G wrote:

Hi Vesna,

The line you mentioned is by default included on all jobs posted from a mobile device.

---

"This job was posted from a mobile device” is sufficient.

[ravi_iitian]

“I do a lot of wiring and short suspenses. It would be great to get a ‘second pair of eyes’ for the material that needs it!”

[sivavranagaro]

Actually, it's a good thing. That way I can filter them out.

[reinierb]

---

@Vesna M wrote:

Actually, it's a good thing. That way I can filter them out.

---

 What was the rationale behind the decision to include this ridiculous phrase anyway?

[sivavranagaro]

Generic politeness and knowing that poster doesn't usually make typos, but when s/he does it's from his mobile phone.

[prestonhunter]

It is apparently predicated on the belief that when typing on a mobile device, there is no way to back-space or edit a message before hitting the final "submit" button.

Along with the equally spurious belief that if a freelancer sees an intelligent-sounding job posting, they will disregard it if they see a typo, unless they are aware that the posting was written on a mobile device, in which case they will forgive the typo.

[reinierb]

---

@Preston H wrote:

It is apparently predicated on the belief that when typing on a mobile device, there is no way to back-space or edit a message before hitting the final "submit" button.

Along with the equally spurious belief that if a freelancer sees an intelligent-sounding job posting, they will disregard it if they see a typo, unless they are aware that the posting was written on a mobile device, in which case they will forgive the typo.

---

 So people were really blaming their poor spelling and laziness on their phones, and Upwork then concocted this scheme to help them feel better about their poor spelling skills?  Who would have thought...

[prestonhunter]

I don't know what led to this.

But here's my perspective:

As a client, I'm not going to use the Upwork mobile app to post a job. Period. It isn't worth my time to figure out what bugs it has right now or what limitations it is currently stuck with.

As a freelancer, I don't care if a client posted from a mobile device or a full laptop/desktop computer. If I see a job posting and it seems like a good fit for me, I'll apply to the job (or reply to the invitation).

And although I understand that some freelancers consider English language errors to be red flags, I do not personally worry about a few typos, or even broken English. I can tell the difference between a scammer and a real client who has real money. Not all real clients write English perfectly. But their money may be just as green.

[reinierb]

---

@Preston H wrote:

I don't know what led to this.

But here's my perspective:

As a client, I'm not going to use the Upwork mobile app to post a job. Period. It isn't worth my time to figure out what bugs it has right now or what limitations it is currently stuck with.

As a freelancer, I don't care if a client posted from a mobile device or a full laptop/desktop computer. If I see a job posting and it seems like a good fit for me, I'll apply to the job (or reply to the invitation).

And although I understand that some freelancers consider English language errors to be red flags, I do not personally worry about a few typos, or even broken English. I can tell the difference between a scammer and a real client who has real money. Not all real clients write English perfectly. But their money may be just as green.

---

 It's not about poor spelling or even broken English.

It's about details; in my line of work I need at least to know who I'll be writing for- the avarage DIY mechanic who may be on a budget and cannot afford professional assistance, the "passionate" car enthusiast that prefers to do his own repairs, or professional technicians that are looking for a remedy for a particularly sticky problem.

How the topic is approached depends on the intended target market, so if a client cannot be bothered to include at least these details, I cannot be bothered to consider his job post. To my mind, using a phone to post a job and then expect professional results is crazy, which makes the job posting a crazy job posting.   

[numbsain]

I was driving down LaBrea Avenue one weekday at crawl hours at a particularly inert intersection when i spotted the culprit, swerving, lurching, weaving and commiting other vehicular offenses wreaking havoc on the evening commute. When it came my turn to pass him and shout epithets that questioned everything from the wisdom of his having been issued a license to his reproductive prowess, I chose to "go high" with just the sneer of reproach. But when i looked at the driver he held up his mobile device with the expression of an innocent man being wrongly accused and mouthed the words "I'm trying to make a phone call!!!"

Imagine my embarassment as i quietly drove past mouthing the words "I'm sorry i had no idea!" I shoud probably have gotten out of my car and detoured all 3 lanes of traffic down Beverly until he had finished calling his Bubby and was ready to concentrate fully on the operation of his vehicle but i didn't think of it in time.

Why don't they have special license plates marked "Center of Universe. Stay Back 500 Feet"

[jcullinan]

---

@Vesna M wrote:

Actually, it's a good thing. That way I can filter them out.

---

Exactly what I do as well. You couldn't pay me to apply for a job that includes that line. Nope.

[numbsain]

Is this bad: Somebody posted a job "T'shirt, um, piercing, yeah that's it, something to do with a t-shirt. Then they said this is just for one person and he knows what i want. 

but then i noticed ten people applied so i figured what the help i will too. So i said:

"Dear Client,

That person you mentioned, um well, he called and said he couldn't do the job because he came down with a bad case of vitas gerulaitis and asked if i could do it. so here I am."

Then the client asked to see some similar work...? (this is my second favorite question, the first being "show me your concept for my logo so i can decide if i want to hire you or not." wrong on so many levels it's levels have levels)

So i said "similar to what?" i then said: 

"attached is some original art that should be exactly what you are looking for. (see attached to see what i attached.) I wasted my connects but i have a lot right now. I was just having fun but what if he doesn't remember the tennis pro Vitas Gerulaitis???

[ravi_iitian]

"We need a fast experience writer for research articles and journalistic PR with PERFECT fast proofreading. We also have boring researchers that need to become press releases."

[sivavranagaro]

They want this doc to "pull eyeballs".

[reinierb]

How about this for a crazy job posting:

The client wants articles on automotive diagnostics, which is right up my alley. However, what makes this posting crazy is that all the screening questions are directly related to the job in the sense that they actually test an applicant's knowledge of the subject. Now is that crazy, or what? 

This seemed extremely weird and highly unusual, but despite this, I applied (answering all the questions professionally) and got the job within an hour of sending off my proposal.

BTW- During the past nearly two years, I have only applied for jobs twice and got both jobs, which gives me a conversion rate of 100%. Now that is really crazy. 

[weinreich]

I just had to giggle at the post looking for a cat clothing designer for "a small business that sells quality tuxedos for cats for their special occasions." Gotta love America.

[sivavranagaro]

Budget is $30 for 12 pages of something. Isn't that crazy?

[sivavranagaro]

"Since I am a teacher, budget is limited, so please give me your best estimate for above INITIAL RESIZING/small change task. "

I'll just imagine myself going to a car shop and say thing like "Since I'm a freelancer (and not a football player), budget is limited, so please give me your best estimate for Maserati, one that does look less superb.

[yngve]

Someone wants a quality writer to write a book on fidget spinners. Easy stuff, a mere 12000 words, well researched with pictures and tricks. Generous budget of $144 and ample deadline, July 30. Already has 5 to 10 proposals.

Hey, in the highly unlikely event of me feeling like writing a book, I certainly wouldn't effectively give it away for someone else to reap the profits!