This is so hilarious, just had to come to the forums to share it. Reminds me of so many Upwork clients All credit goes to the copywriter who posted it, Rowan Martin (https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6686292920712089601/):
"I'm looking for a copywriter for my project that I'm not going to divulge any actual information about
He or she must have a MINIMUM of 46 years' professional writing experience in solar energy, salmon farming, and organic beard oils (please note, we require someone who has previously written long-form copy about beard OILS and ONLY ORGANIC. Do not apply if your experience is in writing about other beardcare products, as your application will not be considered
You must have at least 12 RELEVANT examples of your writing in EACH of these fields, which must each be a minimum of 33,000 words, and must be accompanied by a testimonial from the Mum of the person who hired you ( a recommendation from that person is not enough, it has to be their Mum, because we said so)
Preference will be given to writers who are named Tom, Tim, and Tina. No reason. Just because
Please note - as a startup, we're on a restricted budget, and appreciate a 'smart' price for this work. By using 'smart' we're being really clever. What we actually mean is £50. For a website.
There will be lots of future work (maybe) for the candidate who is prepared to supplicate themselves to the fullest, crawling across the floor like a submissive dog, holding a begging bowl and shouting 'I'm worthy oh great ones'
Don't even get me started on the extra questions.
I got an invite this week with the typical complete lack of info. "I need help publishing my book." Not what kind of help, how many words or pages, print or ebook, subject, deadline, nothing. Nada. Zilch.
But they included some of those canned extra questions that Upwork provides.
What challenging part of this job are you most excited about? Or experienced in?
What similar job like this have you had in the past?
And of course it will say they're looking for an expert but their budget is $5/hour.
I don't even bother replying to those questions anymore when getting invites with them. I put "--" in the answer box Or, I send them a snarky response response if they're the one who invited me and asked "Why did you apply to the job?" or "What makes you the best fit for this job?"
I think we should be paid extra for answering those silly questions!
Whenever I see a posting for blog articles that will be "inspected with a fine-toothed comb," I nope right out. I'll write your cheapo blog post. But I'll do it my way, and you'll take it and you'll like it.
Was JUST gonna mention that I need 500 blogs a week for my stallion insemination site - $2 per. BUT each one better pass CopyScape cause I WILL be checking (in between leading mares in and out of Rufus's stall.)
You forgot to mention those who are looking for an experienced Portuguese translator for some general traslations from Engligh to Portuguese, and at the end of the post they write "Must be fluent in Danish, Dutch and Polish...." Why???
Now a poem from that same copywriter
"Shout out to my ex (client)
As I write this, I'm wiping the tears away
Never thought u and me would see this day
In the beginning you sent me flowers
We'd chat on the phone for hours & (sodding) hours
We were perfect together, a proper good team
Some clients are wankers, but you were a dream
Slave to your insatiable copywriting needs
I'd blush when you tagged me on social feeds
You paid on time, never left me hanging
If we'd met on Tinder, for reals we'd be banging
But over the last few months and weeks
Your attitude's changed and now that **bleep** reeks
You ghost my emails, you screen my calls
If you've met someone else, I'll chop off your ballz
Y'all better believe I'm gonna be vexed
If some cheap **bleep**ty writer's been touching your text
You said you had 'ongoing' work for Rowan
Like Pinnochio, client, your nose be growin'
I know I'm not perfect, my proofreading's dire
But deny that my copy set you on fire
The way that you've ended this is a disgrace
If you don't want my word-love, tell me to my face
If you don't want my copy, it's your loss not mine
Like Jen when Brad left her, I'm TOTALLY FINE
I don't need your business, I've got a new client
and believe when I tell you his 'budget' is GIANT"