New Boilerplate Questions for Inexperienced Clients

[wlyonsatl]

I have seen some new boilerplate questions inexperienced can add to their projects, including:

Q: Please list any certifications related to this project

A: There are none that I know of. Which do you think are indispensable?

Q: How will you suggest improvements if you disagree with an existing process?

A: I have read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" All I need to know about making suggestions is there.

Q: How would you measure or assess a potential problem?

A: I have no idea how to answer this question. I'll be happy to discuss it on a pre-contract phone call with you.

I do not have high hopes that a client who asks such silly questions will be a good client. 

[tagrendy]

I hate these questions. 

[alexandernovikov]

In fact, i see these questions in a job posting as a sign that a client does not care about his project and is not even attentive enough to read what he is posting... Nearly always, they are as irrelevant as possible...

[researchediting]

Ooh, a parlor game! I like parlor games!

Q: Please list any certifications related to this project

A: Does your project require experiments involving human subjects?

Q: How will you suggest improvements if you disagree with an existing process?

A: I will use my words.

Q: How would you measure or assess a potential problem?

A: With my patent Client Testiness Scale™

Seriously, those last two questions sound as if they're lifted straight from some employment interview guide. That's not what we do here.

[geri_kol]

In the next iteration of Totally useless freelancer-repellant boilerplate questions ideated by Upwork, I expect to see some version of the following:

• On a scale of 1 to 10, how lucky do you feel to be applying for this $3/hr job?
• How will you incorporate suggestions from a client who has zero expertise in the domain this job listing refers to?
• How will you react to critical feedback if it were provided only for the client's amusement (aka sh#ts and giggles)?
• How much are you willing to humiliate yourself by answering boilerplate questions that are the equivalent of spitting sunflower seed shells?

And a bonus question for the most intrepid candidates:

• How will you direct a team of software developers to cook an omelette?

[hglewis]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[valhamer]

I don't bother applying to jobs that have these questions. Too odd.

[wlyonsatl]

I usually accept an interview for these types of clients, Val, to find out more about them and their projects.

But I have a higher threshold for accepting work with them than with other clients who send offers and requests for proposals.

[hglewis]

Oh, my turn, my turn!

Q. On a scale from 1-10, how would you rate your success with other clients?

A. Why does it have to be a scale, and do you have issues with numbers 11 and above?

Q. How do you know your work is successful?

A. When the client continues paying for more work. Duuuhhhh!!!

Q. Why are you a perfect fit for this job?

A. Are you that clueless? Because I said so!

The platform should use these boilerplate questions instead.

Q. How soon will you say yes to my offer?

A. When I get to it.

Q. Is it true you're the best choice for this project?

A. Of course, but I'm sensing you have insecurity issues. Will this be a problem moving forward?

Q. Why has it taken me so long to find you?

A. Because my profile is set to private...😎

[wlyonsatl]

Woodrow,

In deference to "Spinal Tap," you could always say "11".

[moonraker]

Q. Which part of this job do you feel you're strongest at?
A. Perhaps, maybe, the writing part?

Q. How do you incorporate feedbacks and edits into your work?
A. By typing them in?

[cyber_sec007]

Q: Why are you considering this project?

A: To get paid, so I can feed my family and buy expensive, shiny, things.....

Actually, in my niche (information security) certs are kind of "must-haves" however, from my 170+ projects there were actually 1 or 2 clients who really checked them. When I did client-facing contracting (onsite via agencies) it was a pain in the as*, to get my certs verified as part of the screening process. I'm very happy that I never have to do that again....

[aalap03]

I have the exact questions from one of the jobs, but the client does not seem to be inexperienced, he has good ratings and been there for a while. I will try to answer this one and see what happens, but you are right, there should be some good questions associated or you can simply ask these on interview and then decide.