Crazy Job Postings Part II

[#1]

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

[#2]

I might be a total wet blanket, but job descriptions like this: 

"I need the help of a badass wordsmith creative effin genius to clean up my book manuscript.." 

"If your gig proposal includes any typos, I will kindly respond with a free consulting session to help you find a new career path that works best for you...how can you apply for a book editing gig when your english is horrific and you are careless?"

With questions for the application including - "Name your cheat food", "Describe 3 hacks to sell more books", and "Did you smile at my post or did you shake your head because you take life too seriously?" (paraphrased) 

I've noticed a few book editor ads like this lately, and it makes me think the client will be insufferable to deal with. I don't need 'zany' in my job ads. 

[#3]

Translate 30K English to German for $100:

"PS: I am looking for only NEW UPWORK FREELANCERS! NEW! ($0 earned freelancers) "

[#4]

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Jennifer R wrote:

Translate 30K English to German for $100:

"PS: I am looking for only NEW UPWORK FREELANCERS! NEW! ($0 earned freelancers) "

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Oh yeah, saw that one too! Not exactly a trust-building exercise, that ... 

[#5]

Somehow I get the feeling the status of those freelancers won't change
after completing this job. On the bright side, they'll still be eligible
for the next assignment with the same requirements!

Maybe he's writing a German comedy about an inept American president and
this is the dialog the actor who portrays the POTUS will use in the film.
Wonder which president it's about...

[#6]

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Jennifer R wrote:

Translate 30K English to German for $100:

"PS: I am looking for only NEW UPWORK FREELANCERS! NEW! ($0 earned freelancers) "

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did it have applicants? 😮

[#7]

re: "Translate 30K English to German for $100"

I'll do it for free. Here:

30K Englisch

[#8]

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Preston H wrote:

re: "Translate 30K English to German for $100"

I'll do it for free. Here:

30K Englisch

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Almost there! 30T Englisch

Sorry, will only pay $50 for it...

[#9]

Dreissichtausend vom Englisch zum Deutsch

PS: Ich suche nur NEUE FREELANZER DES UPWORKS! NEU! ($0 verdiente Freelanzer)

Bitte reagieren Sie NUR wenn es Ihnen nicht interesiert nicht zahlt zu werden. Oder wenn Sie finden das im freie Marketplätzer die Preise sehr hohe sein und sollen stabilisieren am anderthalb-zehnte Dollarcent nach Upworkfees und MwST.

I'm sorry for all the germans reading this, but probably this is the quality they are looking for, German translated by people who live very far away from the German labourmarket...

Can you actually report these types of posters?

[#10]

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Camiel V wrote:

Dreissichtausend vom Englisch zum Deutsch

PS: Ich suche nur NEUE FREELANZER DES UPWORKS! NEU! ($0 verdiente Freelanzer)

Bitte reagieren Sie NUR wenn es Ihnen nicht interesiert nicht zahlt zu werden. Oder wenn Sie finden das im freie Marketplätzer die Preise sehr hohe sein und sollen stabilisieren am anderthalb-zehnte Dollarcent nach Upworkfees und MwST.

I'm sorry for all the germans reading this, but probably this is the quality they are looking for, German translated by people who live very far away from the German labourmarket...

Can you actually report these types of posters?

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lol... I think the correct word is Freilänzer, or at least this is what I will be calling myself from now on.

Sometimes I report them by showing that it equals an hourly rate below the allowed hourly rate of USD 3, but I don't think that anybody is impressed... 

[#11]

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Camiel V wrote:

Can you actually report these types of posters?

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Camiel, the freelancers who work for that kind of money are equally to blame.

On that note, and no offence, you are are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

Up your rate for crying out loud.

[#12]

My rate is six cents per word and I really hope I never have to translate
into german 😉

[#13]

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Camiel V wrote:
My rate is six cents per word and I really hope I never have to translate
into german 😉

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translating into German is easy. Mostly you just replace any C with a K (America -> Amerika, Canada -> Kanada), and try to look like a really strict school teacher while doing that. 

[#14]

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Camiel V wrote:
My rate is six cents per word and I really hope I never have to translate
into german 😉

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150 words per hour is not a lot.

[#15]

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Camiel V wrote:
My rate is six cents per word and I really hope I never have to translate
into german 😉

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[#16]

Just so you know..

[#17]

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Petra R wrote:

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Jennifer R wrote:

Translate 30K English to German for $100:

"PS: I am looking for only NEW UPWORK FREELANCERS! NEW! ($0 earned freelancers) "

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did it have applicants? 😮

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10-15

[#18]

I just turned down an offer to edit a non-friction short story book.

[#19]

Aw man! that job would have been like butter. Though the client sounds a
little too slick. You might still be able to slide in. I'm sure you won't
get any resistance from Upwork. It should be smooth as silk. Don't let it
slip through your fingers. I can never gain any traction with that kind of
client. And I would bend over backwards for a non-friction job...not
forward though...

[#20]

Nicely played, Ray!!

[#21]

I saw one yesterday.  $150 fixed price for 15 articles on North Dakota criminal law.  Due today at 9 am.  Really.

[#22]

US Client looking for a “Native English Speaker” to polish a blog:

[#23]

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Ravindra B wrote:

US Client looking for a “Native English Speaker” to polish a blog:

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that is truly hilarious and I'm stepping aside to let the many very talented word-smiths swoop in and take it on!

If anyone needs it, I can provide shoe-polish!

[#24]

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Mary W wrote:

I saw one yesterday.  $150 fixed price for 15 articles on North Dakota criminal law.  Due today at 9 am.  Really.

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I just hope that wasn't the time he needed to be in court....

[#25]

I've just had a terrific invitation (French to English translation) - invitation only - no job description at all but a $200 budget.

The client posted the job one year ago. He checked in 50 days ago. He has invited 1440 people is interviewing over 200. He has "hired" one person for $5.00, which has been "ongoing" since April last year ...

Upwork must love this sort of client to allow them to stay on board. Left to me, I would make them walk the plank.  

[#26]

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Nichola L wrote:

I've just had a terrific invitation (French to English translation) - invitation only - no job description at all but a $200 budget.

The client posted the job one year ago. He checked in 50 days ago. He has invited 1440 people is interviewing over 200. He has "hired" one person for $5.00, which has been "ongoing" since April last year ...

Upwork must love this sort of client to allow them to stay on board. Left to me, I would make them walk the plank.  

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I say he is either a very meticulous person, or in need of medical services that are not provided on the platform...