Crazy Job Postings

[pandoraharper]

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

Here's something I saw tonight:

US client, average pay under $6 per hour, no hourly hires so far, decent feedback, looking for 1 person to do:

Article Copywriting, Editing and Proofreading

Customer Service (Phone and Email)

Business Growth & Development

Blog Posting

Stand Operating Procedures Creation and Documentation

Online Research

Social Media Management

Event planning and scheduling

And finally: "Knowlege of WordPress Development, Facebook Ads, InfusionSoft, Bookkeeping, etc. a PLUS "

No mention in this posting if some of these items would be handled by other members of the team.

One word: Sheesh!

[marian_lumayag]

Found this while I was browsing for jobs:

"Need a virtual wingman to be on the phone with me as I approach women. Daygame experience appreciated but not necessary"

- Hope he got his date for Valentines! 

[colettelewis]

---

@Marian L wrote:

Found this while I was browsing for jobs:

"Need a virtual wingman to be on the phone with me as I approach women. Daygame experience appreciated but not necessary"

- Hope he got his date for Valentines! 

---

 Lol!

I wonder how if he is going to pay his virtual wingman (man?) - or rather how this could work via Upwork?

[jcullinan]

Quick, MARRY that guy!

[colettelewis]

---

@Jess C wrote:

Quick, MARRY that guy!

---

 Yeah, but Upwork still has to take its cut!

[marian_lumayag]

Wingman gets to be the best man. 

[dvillares]

I just saw a job post. The client is asking freelancers to sign a form indicating they're fluent speakers of 2 specific languages.

Why is a form necessary? Is this common practice? As long as the translation is good, that's what matters. It's certainly not going to prevent people from using Google to "translate" the material. Am I missing something?

[yitwail]

---

@Daniel C wrote:

Why is a form necessary? Is this common practice? As long as the translation is good, that's what matters. It's certainly not going to prevent people from using Google to "translate" the material. Am I missing something?

---

 Are you saying people would falsify their answers? I'm appalled. 

[three-eleven]

---

@John K wrote:

---

@Daniel C wrote:

Why is a form necessary? Is this common practice? As long as the translation is good, that's what matters. It's certainly not going to prevent people from using Google to "translate" the material. Am I missing something?

---

 Are you saying people would falsify their answers? I'm appalled. 

---

 a form has an x-ray captcha attached, no worries 😄

[jmlaidlaw]

@ John --

Not only would they falsify their answers, but they would do so in at least two different languages. Probably using poor grammar, spelling, punctuation, and syntax.

Excuse me for a moment... I must go see to something... I belive that there may be gambling going on at Rick's American Café... Shocking, Shocking...

[jcullinan]

Oh, the winners just keep on winnering.

"I'm looking for a professional brochure to give to clients. So quality needs to professional."

So

Quality

Needs

To

Professional

I understand the whole thing with verbing nouns, sort of, but this goes a little too far 'round the bend for me.

[yitwail]

Jess, this could be a whole new literary movement, omitting the verb to be....

Now Hamlet could say,

To or not to, that the question.

[colettelewis]

A translation job for a book that in the front pages of the French edition states very clearly that the book may not be copied in any shape or form without express permission from the authors.

The client also wants, as part of the application (so free), 200 words both in French and in English as to whether or not one thinks computers will eventually take over from human translators. 

The offer price (admittedly negotiable) is $200 for a 150-page book - how high is negotiable - after one has got over the tricky problem of intellectual property?

[mwiggenhorn]

A lady in Berlin lives near a hotel.  The new hotel manager has parties there that are very noisy - sometimes until midnight.  She has called the police and other officials many times but nothing is done.  Her friend was evicted from an apartment for practicing the cello late at night but the police don't care about the hotel.

She is moving but wants someone to sue the hotel for her last six months of rent because she couldn't sleep because of the noise.

The highest bid is $999,999.99.  The low bid is $.01.

You can't make this stuff up....

[colettelewis]

---

@Mary W wrote:

A lady in Berlin lives near a hotel.  The new hotel manager has parties there that are very noisy - sometimes until midnight.  She has called the police and other officials many times but nothing is done.  Her friend was evicted from an apartment for practicing the cello late at night but the police don't care about the hotel.

She is moving but wants someone to sue the hotel for her last six months of rent because she couldn't sleep because of the noise.

The highest bid is $999,999.99.  The low bid is $.01.

You can't make this stuff up....

---

That has to be one of the best!

[jmlaidlaw]

---

@Mary W wrote:

A lady in Berlin lives near a hotel.  The new hotel manager has parties there that are very noisy - sometimes until midnight.  She has called the police and other officials many times but nothing is done.  Her friend was evicted from an apartment for practicing the cello late at night but the police don't care about the hotel.

---

 This sounds like the introduction to a logic game!

[mircalla]

Received an invite to write a story, 4000 words for 6 dollars! I said the price is crazy low and asked if it's negotiable, and they replied they can pay 10 dollars per 4000 words and they were all like, what more do you want? 😄

[colettelewis]

In my job feed today (nothing whatsoever to do with what I offer)  - someone wants a freelancer to rewrite content of websites that they have copied so that it doesn't look as if the content has been "stolen".  The client wants  their clients to receive exactly the same "massage".  

I don't know why these people bother with the written word. Why don't they just set up spas?

[blastofflabs]

Slave needed, must remain calm and be obedient!:

"As an assistant you must be ready to strictly follow orders, to be polite and calm person,to be humble and obedient."

[VladimirG]

Hi Nichola, could you please pm me the link to the job post you mentioned?

[jmlaidlaw]

Good one today.

Proofreading 105 articles of "around 370 words" each. Client stipulates "great attention to detail" is required. Client forgot his/her own attention to detail, because he or she claims that this is a " $$ " job, but I think not. The pay estimate for the one hundred five articles is $12. Even before Upwork's cut, taxes or VAT. Social Security, etc., that comes to approximately 11 cents per article. 

Oh -- That's just slightly more than $.0003 per word (before costs).

[rolandofgilead]

---

@Janean L wrote:

Good one today.

  Oh -- That's just slightly more than $.0003 per word (before costs).

---

Mmm.

Mmmmmmmm.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm...

no.

[colettelewis]

---

@Vladimir G wrote:

Hi Nichola, could you please pm me the link to the job post you mentioned?

---

 Vladimir, if I can find it, I will send it to you.  Having a look now

[allpurposewriter]

This was from the classified ad in the newspaper:

"Cheerful, cooperative, centered, happy, dependable, friendly, communicative, optimistic, funny and fun to be with, light-hearted, trustworthy, prompt, happy, smiling, dishwaser wanted."

Give 'em an A for effort, I guess.

[allpurposewriter]

Except they spelled dishwasher correctly ... (oops).

[three-eleven]

---

@Anthony H wrote:

Except they spelled dishwasher correctly ... (oops).

---

 

[yitwail]

In case you missed it, a client needs 3 writers for "fun, viral articles" at $7 per article. Don't everyone thank me at once for bringing this to your attention.

[three-eleven]

---

@John K wrote:

In case you missed it, a client needs 3 writers for "fun, viral articles" at $7 per article. Don't everyone thank me at once for bringing this to your attention.

---

 that is a huge amount of $, thank you, i am out running to bid on this one.

[scottdavid21]

Job title: "Proofreader Needed"

Job description: "I need someone to proofread my paper."

Payment: fixed-rate

That's it. No page count, no word count, no anything. Start bidding, folks! 

And then there's the opposite--a ten-thousand-word job description in which the entire plot of their book is described, as well as the author's whole life story! And then at the very bottom: "Please write PURPLE PARSNIP at the top of your propsal so I know you've read this through completely." 

And then there's this:

Job title: "Need help with book."

Job description: "I'm putting out a book about tidal pools on Maine's rocky coast. I need somebody to write it for me." 

[datasciencewonk]

---

@David S wrote:

Job title: "Proofreader Needed"

Job description: "I need someone to proofread my paper."

Payment: fixed-rate

That's it. No page count, no word count, no anything. Start bidding, folks! 

And then there's the opposite--a ten-thousand-word job description in which the entire plot of their book is described, as well as the author's whole life story! And then at the very bottom: "Please write PURPLE PARSNIP at the top of your propsal so I know you've read this through completely." 

And then there's this:

Job title: "Need help with book."

Job description: "I'm putting out a book about tidal pools on Maine's rocky coast. I need somebody to write it for me." 

---

The "place blah blah blah at the top of your proposal" is a personal pet peeve of mine.

I realize that some freelancers will still apply to those jobs...

They can have them...

Bah humbug.

[tlsanders]

---

@Kat C wrote:

---

---

The "place blah blah blah at the top of your proposal" is a personal pet peeve of mine.

---

 Me, too. I did that worksheet in fourth grade. Then, I grew up and started doing professional work. 

Only once did I apply to a job that required that, and I opened with something like "I can't think of an elegant way to work your silly test phrase into the proposal". I didn't get that job, but I was fine with it because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have liked working with the client.

[david_gregory]

---

@Tiffany S wrote:

---

@Kat C wrote:

---

---

The "place blah blah blah at the top of your proposal" is a personal pet peeve of mine.

---

 Me, too. I did that worksheet in fourth grade. Then, I grew up and started doing professional work. 

Only once did I apply to a job that required that, and I opened with something like "I can't think of an elegant way to work your silly test phrase into the proposal". I didn't get that job, but I was fine with it because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have liked working with the client.

---

 The one I really hate is the form letter about the purple cow. Some guy is selling a course on how to write and market a book and he gives out this form letter to everyone who takes his course to get their book edited.

Every one of them is on a short deadline and needs it back in two weeks. And every one of them is working with previous bestsellers so it's good exposure for me.

"The book has already been through a couple self-editing phases, but this is the final edit before the book will be published on Amazon in a few weeks.  As far as the editing goes, I’m on a pretty short deadline, so I need someone who can work quickly and focus attention on this project over the next 2 weeks. I'm working on this book with previous bestsellers, so this will be great exposure for you and your work.

If you're interested in this project, submit a proposal with why you are interested and your price. Also, please include the phrase "purple cow" at the top of your bid."

[scottdavid21]

That's the one! I was wondering why I kept seeing so many "purple cow" references.

The other day, I responded to one of these. I think it was one of these. Anyhow, he provided his book via attachment, so I felt confident the listing was legit. If was an autobiographical selection of stories, by the way, that the author felt certain were "widly entertaining" and would "resonate with a wide audience," or some such nonsense. The stories were very well-written, in a technical sense, but utterly pointless and dreadfully boring. The only thing to be gleaned from them was a sense that the author was wealthy, entitled, entirely full of himself, absolutely insufferable, and never before told what what a dreadful bore he was and not as clever as he seemed to belive.

Anyway, it's not my job to judge the content. My job is to make sure it's error-free and formatted properly, and I take my job seriously regardless of content. What upset me was that I wasted two connects on this guy because, as it turned out, he posted the exact same job listing THREE TIMES and I was unlucky enough to respond to a listing that he then went on to ignore 

[colettelewis]

---

@David S wrote:

That's the one! I was wondering why I kept seeing so many "purple cow" references.

[ . . .]What upset me was that I wasted two connects on this guy because, as it turned out, he posted the exact same job listing THREE TIMES and I was unlucky enough to respond to a listing that he then went on to ignore 

---

 Posting the same job multiple times is against Upwork's ToS - at least, it used to be. There have been so many ignored  infractions by clients lately, that it is difficult to know if the ToS really count for anything.

[jcullinan]

---

@Nichola L wrote:

Posting the same job multiple times is against Upwork's ToS - at least, it used to be. There have been so many ignored  infractions by clients lately, that it is difficult to know if the ToS really count for anything.

---

WORD. Super-obvious scams, posts not in English, posts asking for free "tests" -- neverending and maddening. Then there are all the posts with one-word descriptions. And the opposite with a paragraph in the headline. Or the whole description is in an attachment that then instructs you to apply elsewhere and get paid off-platform.

And seriously, those "put this stupid word in your stupid proposal" posts just make me scream. Along with the "Do NOT apply if you're not perfect in every way" rants. I understand being frustrated with previous encounters, but dude. Don't take it out on the next freelancer if you want to improve anything at all... those kinds of attitudes are toxic.

[datasciencewonk]

---

@Jess C wrote:

---

@Nichola L wrote:

Posting the same job multiple times is against Upwork's ToS - at least, it used to be. There have been so many ignored  infractions by clients lately, that it is difficult to know if the ToS really count for anything.

---

WORD. Super-obvious scams, posts not in English, posts asking for free "tests" -- neverending and maddening. Then there are all the posts with one-word descriptions. And the opposite with a paragraph in the headline. Or the whole description is in an attachment that then instructs you to apply elsewhere and get paid off-platform.

And seriously, those "put this stupid word in your stupid proposal" posts just make me scream. Along with the "Do NOT apply if you're not perfect in every way" rants. I understand being frustrated with previous encounters, but dude. Don't take it out on the next freelancer if you want to improve anything at all... those kinds of attitudes are toxic.

---

There it is...

Pet Peeve #2.

That's always a HUGE red flag to me since 9 times out of 10 those clients are the opposite of perfect.

Maybe other freelancers have a different experience.

ETA: One of the Upwork Specialists invited me to apply to a job. Subsequently, when the client responded to my proposal --- they asked for a free writing sample (HAHAHAHAHAH!!).

[jcullinan]

---

@Kat C wrote:

---

And seriously, those "put this stupid word in your stupid proposal" posts just make me scream. Along with the "Do NOT apply if you're not perfect in every way" rants. I understand being frustrated with previous encounters, but dude. Don't take it out on the next freelancer if you want to improve anything at all... those kinds of attitudes are toxic.

-----

There it is...

Pet Peeve #2.

That's always a HUGE red flag to me since 9 times out of 10 those clients are the opposite of perfect.

Maybe other freelancers have a different experience.

---

Huge red flag, absolutely. Right up there with "for a professional, this should only take [insert ridiculously miniscule amount of time here]" posts.

[datasciencewonk]

---

@Jess C wrote:

---

@Kat C wrote:

---

And seriously, those "put this stupid word in your stupid proposal" posts just make me scream. Along with the "Do NOT apply if you're not perfect in every way" rants. I understand being frustrated with previous encounters, but dude. Don't take it out on the next freelancer if you want to improve anything at all... those kinds of attitudes are toxic.

-----

There it is...

Pet Peeve #2.

That's always a HUGE red flag to me since 9 times out of 10 those clients are the opposite of perfect.

Maybe other freelancers have a different experience.

---

Huge red flag, absolutely. Right up there with "for a professional, this should only take [insert ridiculously miniscule amount of time here]" posts.

---

You're hitting all of my "ugh" points LOL!

That's another one.

[david_gregory]

---

David S wrote: If was an autobiographical selection of stories, by the way, that the author felt certain were "widly entertaining" and would "resonate with a wide audience," or some such nonsense. The stories were very well-written, in a technical sense, but utterly pointless and dreadfully boring.

---

 I usually avoid memoirs or people's life stories because most people  have a grossly inflated opinion of how interesting their lives are.

[versailles]

---

@David G wrote:

 I usually avoid memoirs or people's life stories because most people  have a grossly inflated opinion of how interesting their lives are.

---

Then you may want to edit mine. It's all about booze, broken hearts and broken dreams, bankruptcy, booze, failed writing, more booze, despair, misfortune, lost treasure, treason, booze - again, laziness, giraffes, and extraordinary adventures that ends with the death of the hero.

And chocolate.

Very depressing, guaranteed.

Easy job for someone who knows what they are doing. $5 only but more work if happy with the result. Write I'M A DRUNKHEAD at the beginning, the middle and at the end of your proposal so I know we're on the same page. So to speak.

[datasciencewonk]

---

@Rene K wrote:

---

@David G wrote:

 I usually avoid memoirs or people's life stories because most people  have a grossly inflated opinion of how interesting their lives are.

---

Then you may want to edit mine. It's all about booze, broken hearts and broken dreams, bankruptcy, booze, failed writing, more booze, despair, misfortune, lost treasure, treason, booze - again, laziness, giraffes, and extraordinary adventures that ends with the death of the hero.

And chocolate.

Very depressing, guaranteed.

Easy job for someone who knows what they are doing. $5 only but more work if happy with the result. Write I'M A DRUNKHEAD at the beginning, the middle and at the end of your proposal so I know we're on the same page. So to speak.

**************************************************

This all sounds soooooooooooooo Hemingway....