Crazy Job Postings

[pandoraharper]

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

Here's something I saw tonight:

US client, average pay under $6 per hour, no hourly hires so far, decent feedback, looking for 1 person to do:

Article Copywriting, Editing and Proofreading

Customer Service (Phone and Email)

Business Growth & Development

Blog Posting

Stand Operating Procedures Creation and Documentation

Online Research

Social Media Management

Event planning and scheduling

And finally: "Knowlege of WordPress Development, Facebook Ads, InfusionSoft, Bookkeeping, etc. a PLUS "

No mention in this posting if some of these items would be handled by other members of the team.

One word: Sheesh!

[numbsain]

design contests

[blastofflabs]

There's a new one seeking a motivated, career focused team player with a desire to work in a growing small to medium sized company.

Doesn't that describe all of us here?  Team players, career-focused and tryin' our hearts out to please THE MAN!  Workin' in a company. Yep... that's exactly why we're here on the freelance boards!

[lysis10]

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@Steve B wrote:

There's a new one seeking a motivated, career focused team player with a desire to work in a growing small to medium sized company.

Doesn't that describe all of us here?  Team players, career-focused and tryin' our hearts out to please THE MAN!  Workin' in a company. Yep... that's exactly why we're here on the freelance boards!

---

The standard 9-5 buzz words to keep people working for the same amount of money annoy me. You know, because you're not a team player if you just want to get work done and go home without dealing with the politics. This is one reason I love freelancing.

My sister complains about that all the time at her job!

[pandoraharper]

---

@Steve B wrote:

That's a good one Pandora.  There's a similar one tonight wanting an expert in a technical silicon valley industry to write blog posts, do business development, build the website, design Google AdWords, create brochures, create info graphics, issue press releases, close sales, create leads, optimize the sales funnel, perform market research, create info graphics, engage social media, build the brand, do mass email campaigns, create marketing strategy and so forth in five hours a day with minimal/entry-level skills and compensation.

And of course the new one in ALL CAPS yelling at all readers warning them NO EXCUSES or their CONTRACT WILL BE TERMINATED.

Great entertainment!!

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 Steve I see a lot of those in my job search feeds. Occassionally they even pay well, but sheesh, give me a break. Nobody is going to have a reliable, let alone entry level talent for all that.

[vorion]

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Job Title: "Lead Generation & Affiliate Links"

Description: "see above"

---------------------------------------------

I didn't want to waste my precious 2 connects on a 2-word post.

[xardazz]

One I found today 

*****************************

self starter. we don't have tons of detailed specs for you, so you need to be a thinker, and understand business requirements. all we have is a google sheet, hence you'll need to understand how to read and trace code well.

*****************************

Ha-ha-ha. Let me rephrase it: We don't have any docs and we are proud of it!

And of course they are searching for entry level.

[prestonhunter]

Alexey,

I totally understand how, from a certain perspective, a job posting like that might seem "crazy."

But in my experience, this is a very legitimate and potentially lucrative client.

Literally more than half of all the money I have earned on Upwork has come from clients who begin with no spec documents at all, and only one or multiple Excel spreadsheets or Google doc spreadsheets.

These types of jobs are NOT meant for every contractor. But for the right contractor, these types of job postings can turn into a very sophisticated information system for the client and a very profitable job for the contractor.

[blastofflabs]

URGENT!!!  Design LANDING GEAR System for Aerospace Vehicle!!  Budget: $75.
Design deadline 48 hours.

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Let's hope that none of us ever flies on THAT one...

[pandoraharper]

---

@Steve B wrote:

URGENT!!!  Design LANDING GEAR System for Aerospace Vehicle!!  Budget: $75.
Design deadline 48 hours.

---

Let's hope that none of us ever flies on THAT one...

---

Oh my. That has got be a joke or a scam.

Not to mention, I have to really wonder exactly what  "Aerospace Vehicle"  really means. Taken literally,  sounds like an all-terrain vehicle suited for non-earth planet terrains.

Did anyone actually bid on this piece of utter trash?

[numbsain]

Sure i designed the landing gear! It worked like a charm. What's wrong with the post?

The guy was from a little planet orbiting Alpha Centauri He built the vehicle himself from a kit he bought somewhere in the Magellenic Cloud and was on his way home when he realiized the kit didn't include the landing gear. He was passing by earth so he came to upwork to see if somebody could help him out. He beamed me up from orbit and i banged out the landing gear in no time flat (you should see these computers the have! So much faster! 48 hours was plenty of time when you don't have to wait for the stupid bar to go across for every operation) I put the finishing touches on the unit just in time to touch down on "Ralph's Planet" kinda like earth except way better! Infact it's so cheap to live here that $75 makes me a rich man (oh hey darling, sure, another one of those things that tastes like a vodka tonic, thanks!) Oh that was one of my girlfriends Bjdyci— I can't pronounce her name but wow what a pair of wings on her! Yeah this was the best job i ever applied for! Oh gotta go my foods here (WOW! that looks sooooo good !)  See you guys!!!!!

[blastofflabs]

lol Ray you are even funnier than the poster:)

it does sound like a project right out of "My Favorite Martian", doesn't it?

[prestonhunter]

I actually would be perfectly comfortable riding in an aerospace vehicle with landing gear designed for $75 by an Upwork contractor if Ray was the contractor.

[stephenbrightman]

"Let's hope that none of us ever flies on THAT one..."

I wouldn't mind flying on it...

It's the landing bit I'd be worried about.

[geigerj]

Clearly, they are looking for a University of Mars graduate.

[numbsain]

Thank You Preston next time we pass by Earth I'll look you up. You can even visit. I have 43 guest rooms in my Mansion. The place is huge but it put a big dent in my $75.

.

[numbsain]

exactly or Lost in Space. My favorite Martian! wow that goes back aways! You don't lookl old enough to remember that, Steve.

[blastofflabs]

Thanks Ray you get the double-upvote award:-)

[zoomconcepts]

I need 1,000 simple icons in SVG format. They do not have to be unique, but should be the artists work 

Fixed Price, Budget $350

I'm pretty sure this individual gave the budget with Upwork fee included, so that's $315. Which is 0,315 per graphic mark. There are 12 applicants. I don't think I've seen something this facepalm-worthy in quite a while 😄 

[colettelewis]

Someone today, is looking for a story taller. I think this is a masterful word for a tall story teller.

[blastofflabs]

"We need a serious, talented and dedicated designer. This is a serious job posting and we are not looking for copy/paste proposals and new designers.... the job is for a long term position... If you are committed to work with 1 client only full time, this is a job for you.... we want your full focus to be on the work we send you. Please read the brief."

Perfect Freelancer Gig, huh:)?

[snette]

It's even funnier if you include the $ 150 fixed price budget.

[lysis10]

Got an invite on Elance a couple days ago. 40 hour work week dedicated to this guy helping him with his website issues.. $100 is the pay.

[blastofflabs]

Wow.  You should send him a copy of the emancipation proclamation and the 13th Amendment:)

[lysis10]

I actually thought about replying with a $10000 bid and leave my proposal as "Of course I'm available! You have a typo in your budget though just FYI"

[sk-andaleeb]

1.5$/5000 words

Anyone interested?  The client wants to work with a writer who can create high quality and 100% unique content.

[numbsain]

I can do it! Can I spell my name correctly 5000 times?  (that's quality, unique, he didn't say they had to be different words.)

[smnzaman]

This is always happening to us those who're non-native English writers. This was beyond my ken that some clients even think that $1 for per 500-word (sometimes even for 700-word) article is more than enough.

Here is a chat between my client and mine that took place a few days ago -

In fact, I chose the job to get experience as well as feedback.

Me: Hello dear X, the way I'm writing your articles with proper grammar, spelling, punctuation along with SEO, payment is way too low for all these things. May I expect some more........

Client: What! Aren't you happy with $1 per article?

Me: Don't you think so?

Client: No.

Me: Then I'll have to make the phrase and idioms "if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys" true. Don't take it otherwise, we are freelancers, but not free beggars.

My Urge to All the Freelancing Platforms:

Souldn't there be any rule that the clients should maintain the least reasonable payment??? There should be a minimum standard of payment.

[lysis10]

To be fair, some people's writing and English are only worth $1 for 500 words.

[smnzaman]

Hey Jennifer, did you consider that rate for me too? Just for curiosity!

[numbsain]

I could not agree with you more SM I just had a situation in logo design

the client posted the job for $350 which for the time this type of job takes in bare minimum. I applied. he next day he says "hi ray I'm getting lots of offers here would you do the same job for $250?" I said, 

"No sir. I know what i am worth. You will always find a cheaper bid. In fact you will find people who will do it for 5 dollars and if you want to represent your business with a 5 dollar logo that is your prerogative."

[blastofflabs]

"Top Google AdWords expert and writing expert required for test article, $8 US dollars is your wage. If you create good quality original content demonstrating my AdWords training skills, I may have you write 43 or 44 more, must be exactly to my style for my AdWords video training site.  Will pay up to $1 per 100 well-written words."

[blastofflabs]

You'll be required to {blah, blah,....} and you'll get a cut, I promise!:

"You will be required to promote the product (hunting knives) through affiliate link. I have a website. Sales will be tracked through tracking ID. You will get 10% commission. It's a hot selling item!"

[prestonhunter]

Yeah.. some of these are really ridiculous.

I get it that people are trying to make a buck, so there are lots of silly shenanigans that clients (or so-called "clients") try out...

Ultimately there is no computer technology that can predict and filter out every possible permutation of bad ideas, and no amount of training or internal resources can result in fool-proof screening by human agents.

So as individual contractors, we need to be vigilant and firm, while also being polite.

If a client isn't offering to pay us for our time to do perform a task, it's probably not worth our time messing around with the job, whether or not it fits into Upwork's ToS.

As a contractor, you don't really need to know whether or not Upwork allows jobs in which you post affiilate links on your own website, or jobs which are commission-only. You're smart enough to know these things are a waste of your time.

There's a proper place for such practices. In fact, there are incredibly successful, increadibly wealthy salespeople who work in commission-only arrangements. (Many realtors are an example of this.) But Upwork isn't the proper place for this. Even if Upwork began allowing certain job types which are currently not allowed, this still wouldn't be the proper place for those things, because the infrastructure and culture just aren't set up for it.

[bwegscheider]

I had a client ask me to ghostwrite a novella for him but at a terribly low budget. So he wrote the book himself and came back to ask me for editing services. Well, those were "way" out of his price range too. Then he asked me if I would simply read the finished book and give him some feedback. Well, I told him it would take me a few hours to read a book and that I would charge for it. I never heard back from him.

Meanwhile, he kept talking about how he was looking to get rich through e-books. Well, I know the story was his idea, but the people doing the work deserve to be compensated well, too. He didn't seem to grasp that concept. Personally, I would never outwardly tell somebody how much money I was going to make while being so tightfisted. That darn Golden Rule trips me up every time in the business world.

[blastofflabs]

Commercial Platform We are developers with fulltime jobs, on a startup project looking to complete the front-end of our commercial platform. The web API (REST) is 75% done and we want to start our website + mobile PhoneGap app. We are looking for someone with experience in: - Responsive Single Page Application design/development (understanding of .js modules, routing, injection, etc.) - Javascript MVVM frameworks (Angular, Knockout, Aurelia, Ember, etc.) - jQuery, jQueryMobile (not mandatory, can be similar). - PhoneGap (cordova). - HTML5, CSS3, Bootstrap, FontAwesome, und …   BUDGET FIVE DOLLARS.

[bwegscheider]

Some clients are lazy and do the $5 thing as a placeholder until they talk to you more about the job. I pray that was the case here. But they really should be more professional about putting at least a ballpark figure in there.

[blastofflabs]

Watch out for anything that starts with "Hey Freelancers..."

there's a new one tonight.

[ablefreelancer]

Had a weird one right when I started with Upwork, wanted a basically free sample that must have consisted of at least 5000 words. The following was my reply to the client:

**edited for Community Guidelines**

The client came back afterwards to make sure that I was declining the “generous” chance of establishing a good work history! Didn’t seem to get the deeper meaning of the first message!

[lysis10]

Posted a few minutes ago.

"esy job."

Description: "I need."

The kicker? He has 7 proposals. I'm not gonna even report it. I'm gonna let the robobidders lose their connects and weed them out of the freelancing bidding pool.