Crazy Job Postings

[pandoraharper]

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

Here's something I saw tonight:

US client, average pay under $6 per hour, no hourly hires so far, decent feedback, looking for 1 person to do:

Article Copywriting, Editing and Proofreading

Customer Service (Phone and Email)

Business Growth & Development

Blog Posting

Stand Operating Procedures Creation and Documentation

Online Research

Social Media Management

Event planning and scheduling

And finally: "Knowlege of WordPress Development, Facebook Ads, InfusionSoft, Bookkeeping, etc. a PLUS "

No mention in this posting if some of these items would be handled by other members of the team.

One word: Sheesh!

[bwegscheider]

Sounds like a freelancer who has mistakenly signed up as a client, perhaps? Or not... A terrible posting either way.

[battershall-ramo]

Any job that starts with 'do you love....?' is best avoided.

[lysis10]

Anyone remember Act!? They had the market cornered in the 90s for business contact databases. They posted a commission job on here a few weeks ago. It was for writing too. "Sell our software and make a huge commission." All I thought was "Act! dead, yo."

[colettelewis]

Another irresistible hourly editing job today.

Job description:

"Please contact me".

And nine bids. You can only shake your head at both client and freelancer . . .

[blastofflabs]

Yeah the one above "Hey Freelancers!..." had "contact me via private message".  You just know they're thinking let's take these suckers off Upwork. 

Not!

[david_gregory]

I was just looking at one that claimed to be my "dream job" and that I needed to apply quickly to see if they still had any spots left open.

The pay: $40 for 10,000 words. They wanted 20 articles with each article being a minimum of 500 words.

Apparently 24 freelancers think this is a good job. Maybe I'm missing something.

[blastofflabs]

Well there you go David, you blew a chance at your Dream Job by not acting fast enough!!

**edited for Community Guidelines**

---

@David G wrote:

I was just looking at one that claimed to be my "dream job" and that I needed to apply quickly to see if they still had any spots left open.

The pay: $40 for 10,000 words. They wanted 20 articles with each article being a minimum of 500 words.

Apparently 24 freelancers think this is a good job. Maybe I'm missing something.

---

[blastofflabs]

Here's another red flag of a job poster I don't want work with -- there's a new listing daily with this phrase:

"This is a work-from-home contract position."

Posted for freelance much?

[ivanstrug]

Well, I have this exiting $10 per investment reseach piece (2000 words minimum - wonder who would read 2000 words reseach reports for $10). Long list of requirement and perfect cherry on top - "CANDIDATE REQUIREMENTS: ... b) Someone who knows what he/she wants and appreciates the value of commitment.". So far 3 freelancers responded. I just pity investors would would use those reports. 

[xardazz]

> I really WANT a good, reliable, honest long term person for my team

> $1.26/hr Avg Hourly Rate Paid
> 350 Hours

Don't miss your chance, apply now (ofc, don't forget to  put "MySQL is the best!" in the first line)  ^_^

[kimryan73]

But the system wont accept bids of less than $3 per hour. Is it a fixed price job?

[xardazz]

Nope, it's hourly. I don't know how they do it, but I see these under $3/h jobs from time to time and they always have at least 15 applicants 🙂

[kimryan73]

Would be interesting to check their completed jobs to see what rate was actually paid. I just tried now and couldn't submit a proposal of less than $3/hr.

[bwegscheider]

It's the average hourly rate paid, so that company may have hired people before the minimum wage was instituted on Upwork.

Also, that's decent money in India and Phillippines... and probably many other countries, too. It's taken me a long time to develop a mental filter and block out those kinds of job offers.

That said... It's still crazy!

[colettelewis]

I saw a post today that I am really tempted to bid for. It's in writing/proofreading - just in case.

"[I can provide] further details if you live to accept this job."

[blastofflabs]

There was a job posting last night which is the most over-the-top listing I have seen.  "The dream freelancer assignment"... "98% more awesome people to work with and 2% of the B.S."... "long-term, totally fun for those willing to make the committment...." it went on for a very long three paragraphs, all superlatives about how awesome they and the job are.  Only problem, it never really described what work they need to get done!

I can't copy it here because it is so unique, it would identify the poster against TOS.  You'll know this one when you see it.

[ivanstrug]

This one is an istant classic - "In your bid, provide some indication of your intelligence level."

[lysis10]

---

@Ivan S wrote:

This one is an istant classic - "In your bid, provide some indication of your intelligence level."

---

LMAO This is great. 

[numbsain]

I'm sorry could you explain the question?

Are you aware of the fact that half the population of the world is below average intelligence?

Furthermore i've learned two very important rules in life. The first rule is don't tell people everything you know.

[bwegscheider]

"I have never been married and have no children. Is that proof enough?"

[prestonhunter]

re: "I have never been married and have no children. Is that proof enough?"

The majority of highly-intelligent people are the genetic offspring of people with children. So genetically speaking, people with high levels of intelligence are statistically clustered around child-bearing lineages rather than childless cohorts.

[bwegscheider]

@Preston

Hmm... Refer to "Idiocracy."

[bwegscheider]

"Artical[s]. ... good proofreading skills [required]." How would s/he judge? Might be some easy money.

[blastofflabs]

Graphic Artist, programmer, marketer needed. Skills required Web Design, PHP, Javascript, CSS, HTML, VMware/ESXI, Internet Marketing expert

average pay $2/hour

[prestonhunter]

re: "Graphic Artist, programmer, marketer needed. Skills required Web Design, PHP, Javascript, CSS, HTML, VMware/ESXI, Internet Marketing expert. average pay $2/hour"

I have an iPad that I can use to do muliple things: read and reply to email, browse websites, listen to music, take photographs, watch Netflix, and more. And I pay $0.00 per month for my iPad usage.

So I get it that somebody would LIKE to hire somebody who is an expert in all those things and pay them little.

But it's just not realistic. This client's competitors are happy to see this client waste time trying to hire somebody to do all these things at bargain-basement rates. Because it means that whatever this client produces will be of inferior quality.

I HAVE used Upwork to hire experts in VMware, graphic design, CSS, HTML, etc. But like any wise client, I look for experienced, highly-paid experts in individual areas. I'm not looking for low-paid experts in all of the areas. So I'm basically doing the opposite of what this client is doing.

Why do I do this? In order to save time, save money, and produce a higher-quality end product.

I often hire one of the most expensive experts available in order to save money.

[blastofflabs]

Exactly Preston they are approaching it wrong and will encounter an exercise in frustration.  It's equivalent to advertising for one person to serve as an architect, general contractor, carpenter, and electrician at 10% of min wage to build a house. It will be a bad house, fall down, and result in a total loss.

[bwegscheider]

re: Preston & Steve

As an editor, I am often asked to fix writing by low-paid (I assume, by the quality of work) contractors. The client ends up spending a lot of money to get the writing done poorly and then have it cleaned up by somebody who can write much better. In a lot of cases, the client would save money by hiring a really good writer. Then the editing process would take no time at all. Of course, I don't tell them that! 😉

No, seriously, sometimes I do. And that's where a true professional brings value to the table. I recently created a style guide for one client so that his writers could turn in better stuff and I'd spend less time on it.

Why do clients hire this way? In this particular field (writing and editing) I can only assume that it's less complicated to hire any old writer and trust an editor to fix it. I guess it would be more complicated or time-consuming to screen writers in the first place. Or they just have a mental block about spending the money up front.

Signed,

Preaching to the Choir

Sorry to stray far from "Crazy Job Postings"!

[elastella]

---

@Beth T wrote:

re: Preston & Steve

I recently created a style guide for one client so that his writers could turn in better stuff and I'd spend less time on it.

Signed,

Preaching to the Choir

Sorry to stray far from "Crazy Job Postings"!

---

 I sure hope that style guide was really, really expensive... !!!

[blastofflabs]

Five minute job to connect my website to CRM form. 

Complex html form code included in the job listing so you won't need to waste any time on that!

Entry-level skills. $7/hr average paid.

[naomij1411]

Please write a technical contract for my investment agency which meets all requirements of UK trust law. 

$30.

Maybe this explains the state of the UK economy?

[battershall-ramo]

Because it's the cheapest way to get things done. They know most freelancers working with the written word start out as writers then advertise as proofreaders because it's less mentally onerous than writing from scratch. The easiest way to get a really good piece of writing without paying through the nose is to hire the cheapest writer imaginable/knock up something really quickly yourself, then find a good proofreader/ editor to make it more eloquant. In fact, some of them have admitted it to me. 

[ablefreelancer]

Why can't we offer articles on a different page to the clients?

Mine would look probably like this:

A 2000 word article about scammy and slippery clients, including YOU (if preferred!). 

$250 (to be paid through Upwork channels!)

---- Shouldn't be hard to do due to being an interesting and never ending story on here. ----

[stephenbrightman]

Hopefully this copy won't set off the dreaded T+C asterisk monster..

But 1,200 words of essay proofing and editing, by an entry level freelancer, to incude:

Style
Argument
Audience appropriateness
Organization
Structure
Theme
Rhetorical consistency
Levels of diction
Lexical register
Rhythm
Word choice
Tone
Flow and transition
Phrasing ambiguities
Suggestions for colloquialisms
Repetitive language
Style
Argument
Audience appropriateness
Organization
Structure
Theme
Rhetorical consistency
Levels of diction
Lexical register
Rhythm

I'd be tempted to charge the minimum $3 per hour

for each of these...

[david_gregory]

I've been really disappointed lately in the quality of job postings. Actually, I'm more disappointed in the freelancers who keep applying for these jobs.

I used to look at jobs and put in proposals even though my budget would be much higher than the client's budget but these days, I can't seem to be bothered.

I see interesting  jobs but the pay is too low and there are too many people willing to work for that low rate. I guess I can use this as motivation to get off my butt and start looking for other opportunites.

[bwegscheider]

@David G

I applied for one recently and bid $50 on a $5 budget (was it a placeholder or the actual intended pay?), but I really can't afford to waste connects doing that. So I'm trying to learn to ignore those jobs. I can eat ramen again this week.

The thing is, people are kindly nudging me to be more assertive. But I feel that if I set good boundaries with prospective clients (no weekend work without pay differential; no less-than-24-hour TATs; oh yeah, and decent pay in general), I'd never win anything. I'm at a loss most days, mentally and financially.

[crhysconsulting]

"Nedd document edit . .. Please massage me. Thanks."

[blastofflabs]

lol!!  you can't say anything to improve on perfection in a posting so suitable for the "Crazy Job Postings" thread...

[noirre]

I'm so much in love with this client that obviously has a torrid love-affair with a certain Finnish writer that specializes in naturalistic mystic weirdo-stuff. I saw him post a job where he wanted the indexes of four of this author's books translated, offering 10 usd... I checked... that was 47 pages he wanted translating. I bid 50 usd, pointing out that was not even a dollar per page after UpWork fees... Didn't hire me... Hired someone who obviously had not checked how long the indexes are and then refused to do the work when they found out... Client then reposted the same job, offered 15 usd this time.

I guess someone took the job, as now the same client has obviously decided which book he wants to read of the four, as he is now looking for translators to translate chapters of the books for him for 3 usd per chapter (since, according to his words, they tend to be short). He also wants each chapter to be done as a separate milestone, since he's not sure what the chapters are about, so he might not want all of them translated. 

:,)

[stephenbrightman]

... and I suppose he doesn't pay a milestone if he doesn't like that particular chapter...