Crazy Job Postings

[pandoraharper]

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

Here's something I saw tonight:

US client, average pay under $6 per hour, no hourly hires so far, decent feedback, looking for 1 person to do:

Article Copywriting, Editing and Proofreading

Customer Service (Phone and Email)

Business Growth & Development

Blog Posting

Stand Operating Procedures Creation and Documentation

Online Research

Social Media Management

Event planning and scheduling

And finally: "Knowlege of WordPress Development, Facebook Ads, InfusionSoft, Bookkeeping, etc. a PLUS "

No mention in this posting if some of these items would be handled by other members of the team.

One word: Sheesh!

[reinierb]

---

@Iuliana A wrote:

For the guy who manges that, I also have a few jobs, i am generous an offer two weeks for each:

- map the genome of each species on the planet (humans included) and clearly establish what each gene does and how can it be modified to get us all to live to 999, young and healthy

- record and interpret all tranzactions in all stock markets in the world and determine which shares will turn a profit

- write a script to win the lotery

- and a script to help you find entire socks pairs, lost keys, lost pets, lost wits...

---

 Especially lost wits. Some [prospective] clients could definitely use such a script.

[datasciencewonk]

---

@Reinier B wrote:

---

@Iuliana A wrote:

For the guy who manges that, I also have a few jobs, i am generous an offer two weeks for each:

- map the genome of each species on the planet (humans included) and clearly establish what each gene does and how can it be modified to get us all to live to 999, young and healthy

- record and interpret all tranzactions in all stock markets in the world and determine which shares will turn a profit

- write a script to win the lotery

- and a script to help you find entire socks pairs, lost keys, lost pets, lost wits...

---

 Especially lost wits. Some [prospective] clients could definitely use such a script.

---

Yes!

And lost clients in general.

Need a client GPS tracker for some of them. 

[mwiggenhorn]

There were not one but two job posts this morning for paralegal services.  Typical trial preparation - document review, discovery and the like.  Then the posts - which were identical - said they needed someone to attend and assist at trials and hearings.  Okay, that works if you're around Denver.  

But then - oh wait - they were looking for 40 paralegals!  Flagged those puppies but they're still up.  40 paralegals.  Bless their hearts.  Even 4 would be extreme.

[prestonhunter]

re: "40 paralegals"

Technically... isn't that 80 people?

[mwiggenhorn]

Or 120 lawyers...

[numbsain]

Just so long as you get paid withing a month or two because it will take them at least 6 months to check your 1 weeks work hahaha! 

"Well we cant pay you till we check the work and that will take 6 months"
"Why? i did the work in one week!

Just enter any old numbers they'll never know the difference.

[kochubei_valeria]

Janean,

We'll have the job you are referring to reviewed. Thanks.

[colettelewis]

Smile for the day, before Upwork goes into downtime again.

Somebody is looking for a copy editor for their fantasy novel, to replace their former editor who passed away. The client is not sure what the editor's state of mind was . . .

[yitwail]

Had to comment on Janean's discovery, "Well, okay, it would be borderline ridiculous--but someone might be willing to give it a go nonetheless, assuming that there is plenty of caffeine available.

Did I get to the pay rate, yet? And. no, the job posting makes it clear that THIS IS NOT A PLACEHOLDER! THIS is the ACTUAL, REAL, TRUE OFFER of COMPENSATION:

$10."

That'll get you a veinte starbucks beverage of your choice, a pastry, and some change. What else could you ask for?

[jmlaidlaw]

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@John K wrote:

Had to comment on Janean's discovery, "Well, okay, it would be borderline ridiculous--but someone might be willing to give it a go nonetheless, assuming that there is plenty of caffeine available.

Did I get to the pay rate, yet? And. no, the job posting makes it clear that THIS IS NOT A PLACEHOLDER! THIS is the ACTUAL, REAL, TRUE OFFER of COMPENSATION:

$10."

That'll get you a veinte starbucks beverage of your choice, a pastry, and some change. What else could you ask for?

---

 Is there enough change to leave a tip, or if you tip adequately are you "underwater" ?

[yitwail]

Alas, it was too good to be true. I also forgot about the Upwork fee, so you'd have to downsize to tall and tip is in doubt, unless you settle for a donut.  

[jmlaidlaw]

Then, too, John, if you pay taxes (or VAT), and Social Security, after that plus Upwork's cut, you're down to about $5.20, at best. 

[yitwail]

In taste tests,, MacDonald's coffee beats Starbucks, but snack selection could be limited. On the other hand, Starbucks doen't have ice cream cones. 

[numbsain]

completely agree about the Scottish restaurant's coffee being better than that of the intergalactic even-toed ungulate but i have noticed a worrisome sidenote: The coffee vended by Ronald (with creamcan sit on my desk for over a day and still be drinkable) whereas Kenny G's variety (with cream) will start to spoil by late evening which leads me to suspect Mickey Dees contains preseratives, the health hazards of which have yet to be evaluated by the FDA, 

[colettelewis]

Somebody just posted an urgent (aren't they always?) job for a French to English translator. They offer a fee (not bad depending on the job) but no job description. So I applied - a very brief note asking for more details. I get this as a reply from the client:

"Hi."

As clear as the offer . . .

Oh yes, and the client lives in the U.S. but magically is two hours ahead of Paris (France) time.

[Anonymous-User]

I just flagged a job from an Austrian "client" who looked for a French speaking conversation partner for free, because they will teach each other in exchange.

[ravi_iitian]

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@Janean L wrote:

Then, too, John, if you pay taxes (or VAT), and Social Security, after that plus Upwork's cut, you're down to about $5.20, at best. 

---

I can pick up a bottle of vodka and a samosa. 

[aiyana-ward]

---

Hi Aiyana, I think you would be a good fit for a job I’m helping to fill for a new Upwork client. Please review the posting and submit a proposal if you are interested.

Best Regards, N---- J---- Upwork Project Success Talent Specialis

Details

We need someone to help boost our presence through entering us for awards, writing pieces on our events etc

---

 Seriously? Who is 'we'? Where do you want your 'presence boosted'? What awards and events are you talking about? Etc??? WHAT EVEN ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I know clients must have to pay you to handpick freelancers, Upwork. It would be really helpful if you could coach or guide them to writing better job descriptions. Why would anyone ever answer a job listing like this? It's a waste of everyone's time. 

Also, the typo in the original message is real. The talent specialist who contacted me is using a signature with a glaring typo. It would be nice of Upwork to have some quality control on the messages sent to us, or else we assume they are scams. I would like to be grateful for these invitations but they're rarely even coherent, let alone fruitful. 

[VladimirG]

Hi Aiyana,

I located the invite you mentioned and the job post, which doesn't contain sufficient information about its scope and requirements. I'll follow up with the Talent Specialist and request client provides more information in their post. I'll also follow up with the team to check the signature and address the error you noted.

I?d also like to confirm that the services we offer to new clients are free of charge.

Thanks for reporting this invite.

[mwiggenhorn]

I got an odd one from a Talent Specialist, too, a couple of days ago.  I actually raised a ticket on it and the job was removed.

Why was it odd?  The job title was "Unemployed".  The job said the client was in the US but with a European time zone.  The job was for a 20 page research paper on "Should the mentally challenged be allowed to vote" (which smacks of academic fraud.  That was the entire post.

[datasciencewonk]

---

@Mary W wrote:

I got an odd one from a Talent Specialist, too, a couple of days ago.  I actually raised a ticket on it and the job was removed.

Why was it odd?  The job title was "Unemployed".  The job said the client was in the US but with a European time zone.  The job was for a 20 page research paper on "Should the mentally challenged be allowed to vote" (which smacks of academic fraud.  That was the entire post.

---

I mean no offense to UPwork. 

However, I must say that at least 80% of the Talent Specialist invites I receive die on the vine. The only contracts that have successfully been enacted were those between myself and Enterprise Clients (specifically when one of the Upwork TS was an intermediary). This is in addition to the prior commentary regarding grammatical errors and overall sloppiness in the job descriptions. 

Also, they tend to MASS invite FLs which increases the likelihood of my declining the invite.

So, please UPwork powers, while I understand in many instances you are helping new clients find qualified FLs, the way this process is being conducted tends to deter many of the best FLs on your platform. 

[reinierb]

I also got an invite through a Talent Specialist today, and although it sort of covered what I do, the thing is that the clients don't know who got invited to their job(s). As I declined this one because it was for an hourly paid contract, I was wondering what the client must think when he receives a message that I had declined the invite. 

It seems that the client has no idea who was invited, since the Talent Specialist stated quite clearly that all enquiries must be directed at the client. The point to all of of the above is this; shouldn't the Talent Specialist at least drop the client a note with the names of people that Talent Specialist had invited as a common courtesy, if for no other reason?

This whole Talent Specialist thing seems to me to be a bit arse-about-face, because had the TS gone to the trouble of checking my profile before firing off an invite at me, he would have noticed that my rate is way above what the client was offering, amongst other things.

A little etiquette and simple common sense would not go amiss in this Talent Specialist thing, and besides, a little more effort on the part of these Talent Specialists might just result in more freelancers accepting more invites made on behalf of clients.

[mwiggenhorn]

Great point, Reinier.  Also, the last few emails  I've gotten from TS have said something like "Sent from my phone - please excuse any typos".   Not the most professional impression.  I would like to think that a TS is sitting down somewhere, working hard to connect new clients with appropriate freelancers, not just dashing off a message from the coffee shop.

[reinierb]

I get that new clients are not charged for this service, but I am sure the Talent Specialists are paid- which is weird considering the level of professionalism they display in their communications with freelancers.

[russtice]

While I would never bid on such a project; I find it more then amusing that they are interviewing at least one candidate.

Yes $15 budget and for an ecommerce site non the less.

I am officially holding out till I see a $2 site before I bid on the project.

[aiyana-ward]

Well, it's good to know that clients aren't buying this service, but then, that's why we're all getting what we pay for. I'd love to know how successful this program is, considering that, as many here have mentioned, it often sounds like the TS neither understands the job, nor reviews profiles first to see if a freelancer is a good fit. So what exactly are they doing? 

Idea: instead of having talent specialists, we have live job monitors who just delete these jobs for us so we don't have to police our own gig boards. If all the talent specialists who have ever contacted me with "insufficient" job postings just deleted them instead, Upwork would be a better place.

[AveryO]

Hi Aiyana, 

We have a Marketplace Quality team who checks job posts, clients, and freelancers on the platform. If any post, freelancer, or client is found to be in violation of the Upwork ToS, appropriate actions are taken against these posts and accounts. While the team, tries to work through the marketplace to weed through these profiles, we appreciate users who take the time to report this to the team. 

But thank you for sharing your feedback about our talent specialists. I'll make sure to share it with the team. 

[ravi_iitian]

**Edited for Community Guidelines**

[mwiggenhorn]

Well, that's pretty bold.

[kochubei_valeria]

Ravindra,

We'll have the job you are referring to reviewed as soon as possible.

Thank you.

[ravi_iitian]

Thank you, Valeria.

[jcullinan]

---

Avery O wrote:

Hi Aiyana, 

We have a Marketplace Quality team who checks job posts, clients, and freelancers on the platform. If any post, freelancer, or client is found to be in violation of the Upwork ToS, appropriate actions are taken against these posts and accounts. While the team, tries to work through the marketplace to weed through these profiles, we appreciate users who take the time to report this to the team. 

But thank you for sharing your feedback about our talent specialists. I'll make sure to share it with the team. 

---

There is little evidence of any "Quality Team" activity in the last few months... so many obvious scams slip right through the cracks.

I got an invite this weekend from a "Talent Specialist" inviting me to apply for a job where I had to purchase a product and then write reviews on it. The purchase price was included in the proposed compensation, which was already less than $20. They were looking to hire SCAM 87 freelancers. How does that get through any kind of scrutiny?

Quality control? Really? I just don't believe you, sorry...

[AveryO]

Hi Jess, 

I understand how it can be very frustrating to see these jobs on the platform. Please do know that these job posts are reviewed and are dealt with immediately if found to be in violation of the Upwork ToS. Reports are addressed in order, and by the time we follow with them or check the job post, it often happens that a post has already been addressed. The team is also working to improve the speed and efficency of the reviewing process. 

I checked your account and couldn't see the job sent in by our Talent Specialist. Could you please share a screen grab via a private message so that I can share it with the team? These types of feedback help us improve on our processes and I would appreciate it if you can take the time to share this with me via a private message. 

[jcullinan]

---

@Avery O wrote:

Hi Jess, 

I understand how it can be very frustrating to see these jobs on the platform. Please do know that these job posts are reviewed and are dealt with immediately if found to be in violation of the Upwork ToS. Reports are addressed in order, and by the time we follow with them or check the job post, it often happens that a post has already been addressed. The team is also working to improve the speed and efficency of the reviewing process. 

I checked your account and couldn't see the job sent in by our Talent Specialist. Could you please share a screen grab via a private message so that I can share it with the team? These types of feedback help us improve on our processes and I would appreciate it if you can take the time to share this with me via a private message. 

---

 PM sent with screenshots.

There's a very simple solution to curbing 99% of these scams:

1. Do not allow clients to post jobs looking for ridiculous numbers of freelancers, like more than 3.

2. Do not allow clients to send ridiculous numbers of invitations, like more than 5.

3. If a client account doesn't have a verified payment method, don't let them post for more than 1 freelancer, and NO invitations.

Any job posted looking to "hire" nearly 100 freelancers is GUARANTEED to be a scam. Upwork makes zero money on these posts, and loses credibility as more and more users fall for scams and are vocal about the lack of very basic screening for job posts and clients.

[koch_mirjam]

---

@Jess C wrote:

---

@Avery O wrote:

Hi Jess, 

I understand how it can be very frustrating to see these jobs on the platform. Please do know that these job posts are reviewed and are dealt with immediately if found to be in violation of the Upwork ToS. Reports are addressed in order, and by the time we follow with them or check the job post, it often happens that a post has already been addressed. The team is also working to improve the speed and efficency of the reviewing process. 

I checked your account and couldn't see the job sent in by our Talent Specialist. Could you please share a screen grab via a private message so that I can share it with the team? These types of feedback help us improve on our processes and I would appreciate it if you can take the time to share this with me via a private message. 

---

 PM sent with screenshots.

There's a very simple solution to curbing 99% of these scams:

1. Do not allow clients to post jobs looking for ridiculous numbers of freelancers, like more than 3.

2. Do not allow clients to send ridiculous numbers of invitations, like more than 5.

3. If a client account doesn't have a verified payment method, don't let them post for more than 1 freelancer, and NO invitations.

Any job posted looking to "hire" nearly 100 freelancers is GUARANTEED to be a scam. Upwork makes zero money on these posts, and loses credibility as more and more users fall for scams and are vocal about the lack of very basic screening for job posts and clients.

---

I had to think of your second point when reading this:

Proposals: 20 to 50

Last Viewed by Client: 7 hours ago

Interviewing: 33

Invites Sent: 631

Unanswered Invites: 378

[rezaurc]

Sometime I got surprised, when client asked for an expert for a fixedprice 15$ Job 😞

[gd90]

Not a job posting but found in a feedback by a freelancer:

I have to end this contract because I will close this account and open a new one.

[dimensiondesign]

Hahaha! I nearly spit out my drink onto my keyboard when I read that!

[colettelewis]

---

@Gyan D wrote:

Not a job posting but found in a feedback by a freelancer:

I have to end this contract because I will close this account and open a new one.

---

 Lol!

 (OT  - nice to see you again!)

[colettelewis]

I thought I'd seen it all. I was wrong.

A client wants a second opinion from a freelance radiologist to double check that the  'all clear' result of an MRI scan  is correct. This is at entry level. 

Roll eyes.