Crazy Job Postings Part II

[pandoraharper]

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

[wendy_writes]

Bwahahahahahaha - Sunday night funnies - "Unique website content & ad for "Classy Companion".   Yep, I reported it but still up -

As are all the academic fraud pleas for "write my paper" .....

[pandoraharper]

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@Wendy C wrote:

Bwahahahahahaha - Sunday night funnies - "Unique website content & ad for "Classy Companion".   Yep, I reported it but still up -

As are all the academic fraud pleas for "write my paper" .....

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Was the "classy companion" job for a company (like maybe an escort company) or just some random person?

[melaniekhenson]

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@Pandora H wrote:

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Was the "classy companion" job for a company (like maybe an escort company) or just some random person?

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 I think it may have been Thornton Melon.

[melaniekhenson]

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@Wendy C wrote:

Bwahahahahahaha - Sunday night funnies - "Unique website content & ad for "Classy Companion".   Yep, I reported it but still up -

As are all the academic fraud pleas for "write my paper" .....

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Ugh, I'm so sad they put in that "classy" part. I could have used the extra work this week!

[richard_wein]

Sorry, this one isn't crazy, just cheap. But I was amused by the fact that the client had clearly seen the consequences of his cheapness but not drawn the obvious conclusion.

This client (in the US) has a budget of $20, for a job I would charge at least $200 for, and that would still be cheap. He has a detailed PDF specification for the job, with pictures, that must have taken him at least a couple of hours to write. At the end of the spec he writes this:

Please bid ONLY if you understand how to do this. The last person I used after being assigned the project his first question was “What am I supposed to do” and the next question was “where do I find stock data?”

To be fair, I don't know what the original budget was. Perhaps the client has realised his mistake, and quadrupled his original budget to $20.

[renata101]

Application instructions:

1. Please start your application with the word 'GameChanger'.

2. In your cover letter begin with the Word brooklyn.

3. Please include the word "Namaste" in the beginning of your application to show that you have read this description.

3. And when you reply, be sure to include the word football somewhere in your response.

4. Don’t forget to add the word “AWESOME” at the first line of your Cover Letter.

5. Please note that it will be featured on a cannabis website.

6. Also, make sure to use the word aardvark somewhere in your response to the job, otherwise you will not be considered.

7. Please start your cover letter with the word "KNG" so that we know that you read all this. 

8. Use the word imaprocks at start of your application

9. Also, add a comma after the word 'serviced'.

10. Type the word Blue in your return email to prove that you read this whole posting

11. Please contact us with the word "RORAGE" so we know that you've read through the entire posting.

12. Also, include the word "bahay kubo". That way, I know you've read this entire description and understand what I need for this job.

13. When applying for this job please include the word “shark” at the very top of your application so I know you read this posting thoroughly.

14. Mention the word "Amigo" on top of your application so that I know that you have read it all.

15. Please start your application with the word "BOOM" so I know you read the job posting. 

16. Also, please use the word "adroll" so I know you're not a bot :). 

17. If you want to be considered for this job then reply and use the word BIOGRAPHY as the FIRST word in your application.

18. remove the word “Price”

19. If you're applying for this position begin your application with the word herb or else your application will be completely discreted. ... If you have any questions before creating the first concept for approval reply with the word herb. 

20. Any question ? Let me know. Start your proposal with the word "Describe" otherwise your proposal will be rejected or spammed.

21. To prove you’re capable of this,

please start every paragraph of your application

with the word parrot.

22. If you want your candidacy to be considered, write the word rabbit at the beginning of your letter.

I look forward to our cooperation.

[melaniekhenson]

What, is that all?

With only that many demands I don't see how the client can possibly know that you have reeeealy read the description.

I say you suggest he adds seven or eight more required words. And make them REALLY weird. "Type DOPPELGANGER in the third paragraph, second sentence of your cover letter to show that you have read the description." "Type ENTOMOLOGIST SCISSORS COTTON GULLY LOVES TANK TUB FISH IN SEISMIC MANHATTAN GO-GO DANCE to show you that you have read the description." 

[pandoraharper]

A lesson in client honesty. Or in this case, the lack thereof.

So, I came across what looked like a normal PPC Digital Agency job. Weird thing though, the Job Description says they are in the Phillipines, but the Job PAGE says Boston, MA. Since I see this sort of thing every once in a while, I'm not making any assumptions. But, since their the Job Description also spells out their company name, I Googled them. Only to see the only site that comes up is them in.....wait for it...the UK. Their FB page is not loading, and their Twitter page is a mess. Yikes, I don't think so.

Disclaimer: I don't offer PPC services, but I do track Digital Agency jobs.

[renata101]

Is it Monday again?

LA client seeks "conscious person" to watch then extract "golden nuggets", i.e., important lessons/value/wisdom from video content. 

Since I'm still looking for new ways to make money in my sleep, I'm going to have to pass on this one. 

There appear to be no jobs for the unconscious, although a quick search with the keyword "combobulated" yielded two hits from the same company. Overall, combobulation might be a contender for this week's trending skill set. 

[renata101]

It seems that November is consciousness month....

If you're wide awake in the UK, or elsewhere, a client is willing to pay "135 usd waking me up everyday for 2 months!" 

You will be required to provide this 3-time, 4.8 star UW client with a wakeup call at 9:30 AM GMT. In addition, you will need to follow up with a 5-minute Skype call to ensure that the client is indeed still awake. 

The client has sent out 6 invites for this position thus far. Performance expectations might be high as the last freelancer to take on this job was reportedly able to provide the client with a "great and pleasant," hassle-free experience.  

[melaniekhenson]

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@Renata S wrote:

I
You will be required to provide this 3-time, 4.8 star UW client with a wakeup call ....(snip)  The last freelancer to take on this job was able to provide the client with a "great and pleasant," hassle-free experience.  

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^ So he wants to be up in the morning? Pleasantly, with no hassles.

I've been hearing that one since sophomore year.

[renata101]

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@Melanie H wrote:

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@Renata S wrote:

I
You will be required to provide this 3-time, 4.8 star UW client with a wakeup call ....(snip)  The last freelancer to take on this job was able to provide the client with a "great and pleasant," hassle-free experience.  

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^ So he wants to be up in the morning? Pleasantly, with no hassles.

I've been hearing that one since sophomore year.

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I have to add that the client did not request pleasant and hassle-free. That's just the standard that's been set by the previous wake-up caller.

As for your second point, the first thing that popped into my head was "Wow. Mom used to do that for free!"  And on Saturdays she used to tell me during the second wakeup call that I'd promised to drive her grocery shopping the during the first wakeup call. I still have no conscious memory of these promises. 😉

[melaniekhenson]

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@Renata S wrote:

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@Melanie H wrote:

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@Renata S wrote:

I
You will be required to provide this 3-time, 4.8 star UW client with a wakeup call ....(snip)  The last freelancer to take on this job was able to provide the client with a "great and pleasant," hassle-free experience.  

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^ So he wants to be up in the morning? Pleasantly, with no hassles.

I've been hearing that one since sophomore year.

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I have to add that the client did not request pleasant and hassle-free. That's just the standard that's been set by the previous wake-up caller.

As for your second point, the first thing that popped into my head was "Wow. Mom used to do that for free!"  And on Saturdays she used to tell me during the second wakeup call that I'd promised to drive her grocery shopping the during the first wakeup call. I still have no conscious memory of these promises. 😉

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^ This startled me until I realized what you meant.

Yes, I know...I mean I'm wondering...he doesn't know ANYBODY who would do that? Locally? Like a friend. Someone who's already up at that time of the morning anyway. You could buy their week's coffee in exchange or something. Something nice like that. 

I'm curious, what category was this under? I didn't think this was a FL type of thing? LOL! Can people ask FLers to do wakeup calls and that sort of thing? I guess it would be considered a PA job or something like that?

[renata101]

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I have to add that the client did not request pleasant and hassle-free. That's just the standard that's been set by the previous wake-up caller.

As for your second point, the first thing that popped into my head was "Wow. Mom used to do that for free!"  And on Saturdays she used to tell me during the second wakeup call that I'd promised to drive her grocery shopping the during the first wakeup call. I still have no conscious memory of these promises. 😉

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^ This startled me until I realized what you meant.

Yes, I know...I mean I'm wondering...he doesn't know ANYBODY who would do that? Locally? Like a friend. Someone who's already up at that time of the morning anyway. You could buy their week's coffee in exchange or something. Something nice like that. 

I'm curious, what category was this under? I didn't think this was a FL type of thing? LOL! Can people ask FLers to do wakeup calls and that sort of thing? I guess it would be considered a PA job or something like that?

 I can't remember where I saw it. But the thing that always surprises me is that sometimes there's a legit reason for things that sound as silly as this. And it might be an okay supplemental income for someone in some part of the world where the cost of living is lower. It's like 10 minutes of work every day for approximately US$2.   If you think about it, it's like $12 an hour to wake someone up.

Edited to ad:   😉 🙂  I keep forgetting to add the winky emojis -- yes, this is meant to be a crazy job posting;  but actually, it also does seem to pay better wages than some of the supposedly "legit" crazy jobs I've seen listed here. 😉  😉 

[melaniekhenson]

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@Renata S wrote:

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 I can't remember where I saw it. But the thing that always surprises me is that sometimes there's a legit reason for things that sound as silly as this. And it might be an okay supplemental income for someone in some part of the world where the cost of living is lower. It's like 10 minutes of work every day for approximately US$2.   If you think about it, it's like $12 an hour to wake someone up. 

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Right...it's just that this was listed under "crazy job postings" so...that's what I was thinking you meant? 🙂 So was just trying to have a little fun with it!

Yes, it could be a pretty easy few bucks.

[renata101]

Still more lucrative opportunities to keep everyone awake will be awarded to two lucky web developers.  Clients wanting to create an educational social network have expressed the following requirements:

"We want to add effects and animations so that the user does not fall asleep while studying, for this, every "x" amount of inactivity time the app will activate an alarm."

If you are an English-to-German translator, you can do your part in the seemingly raging battle over the state of educational repose by translating subversive articles for German websites (see sample below).

 "Many students don't get enough shut-eye the previous night. As a result, the students may fall asleep during class. Those students could get in trouble. If you love sleep as much as me, here are a few methods on how to sleep in class and get away with it."

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[colettelewis]

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@Renata S wrote:

Still more lucrative opportunities to keep everyone awake will be awarded to two lucky web developers.  Clients wanting to create an educational social network have expressed the following requirements:

"We want to add effects and animations so that the user does not fall asleep while studying, for this, every "x" amount of inactivity time the app will activate an alarm."

If you are an English-to-German translator, you can do your part in the seemingly raging battle over the state of educational repose by translating subversive articles for German websites (see sample below).

 "Many students don't get enough shut-eye the previous night. As a result, the students may fall asleep during class. Those students could get in trouble. If you love sleep as much as me, here are a few methods on how to sleep in class and get away with it." 

________________   

Lol Renata! You have just improved my day 100%. I had an electricity cut last night (until now), missed two deadlines and my morning coffee. Your post has acted as a restorative! 

[renata101]

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@Nichola L wrote:

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@Renata S wrote:

 "Many students don't get enough shut-eye the previous night. As a result, the students may fall asleep during class. Those students could get in trouble. If you love sleep as much as me, here are a few methods on how to sleep in class and get away with it." 

________________   

Lol Renata! You have just improved my day 100%. I had an electricity cut last night (until now), missed two deadlines and my morning coffee. Your post has acted as a restorative! 

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@ @Nicola  I'm glad to hear that it helped. In my imaginary movie, you're standing with your coffee in a landscape strewn with utility poles, phone lines and toppled cows singing "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien."

The deadlines are the deadlines, but anything that messes with first coffee is too much to bear.

[colettelewis]

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@Renata S wrote:

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@Nichola L wrote:

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@Renata S wrote:

 "Many students don't get enough shut-eye the previous night. As a result, the students may fall asleep during class. Those students could get in trouble. If you love sleep as much as me, here are a few methods on how to sleep in class and get away with it." 

________________   

Lol Renata! You have just improved my day 100%. I had an electricity cut last night (until now), missed two deadlines and my morning coffee. Your post has acted as a restorative! 

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@ @Nicola  I'm glad to hear that it helped. In the mental movie of my mind, you're standing with your coffee in a landscape strewn with utility poles, phone lines and toppled cows singing "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien."

The deadlines are the deadlines, but anything that messes with first coffee is too much to bear.

______________________________

Tomorrow, I will send you a pic of the line that connects me to the outside/cyber world! 

[renata101]

For those who aren't clear whether they're asleep or awake, why not consider jobs for the semi-conscious?

"How To Get from Passion To Success- the hypnotic journey"

I have absolutely no doubts that a true semi-conscious professional will be able to edit, proofread and format this one in their sleep. All 14 chapters can be yours for $100 (according to the posting this book is "no more than 300 pages").  

[colettelewis]

I know I'm old-fashioned, but in my day "passion" had little to do with success - I'm not so sure about hypnosis - seems to work for some . . . and I'll pass on the proofediting. I feel a big, big yawn that stretches round my head into a knot (a hard knot) at the back of my head. 

Why do people do this? 300 pages? 

[kfarnell]

Post for an editor:

'Must be heterosexual, and have natural straight hair.'

That's me out, then. My hair is very curly.

[melaniekhenson]

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@Kim F wrote:

Post for an editor:

'Must be heterosexual, and have natural straight hair.'

That's me out, then. My hair is very curly.

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I'm straight with straight hair! I'm possibly the straightest thing out there this morning. And me in Los Angeles, imagine! I'm definitely a unicorn that way...

Pick me!

[melaniekhenson]

Has anyone mentioned this one? My ordering is wonky and I'm too lazy to straighten things out.

Anyway, we have an unverified, 0% job hire rate, 2 jobs posted with 1 having mysteriously disappeared entirely client who would like to hire a person "who is new on Upwork."

More mysterious yet is that this brand-new person should preferably have a 90% job success rate. (Is this a wrinkle in time? String theory? Wormhole?)

Don't worry, this person who is new and presumably knows little about getting scammed will get MORE THAN $100/month from this client.

Ready, set...go. (But remember, I got there first.)

[pandoraharper]

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@Melanie H wrote:
<snip>

More mysterious yet is that this brand-new person should preferably have a 90% job success rate. (Is this a wrinkle in time? String theory? Wormhole?)

<snip>

New clients who don't understand the job post interface (it IS a lot of fields to fill in) are likely not bothering to change the JS setting. By default, it's 90%. And this gets discussed in the forums about 7-8 a week.

[melaniekhenson]

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@Pandora H wrote:

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@Melanie H wrote:
<snip>

More mysterious yet is that this brand-new person should preferably have a 90% job success rate. (Is this a wrinkle in time? String theory? Wormhole?)

<snip>

New clients who don't understand the job post interface (it IS a lot of fields to fill in) are likely not bothering to change the JS setting. By default, it's 90%. And this gets discussed in the forums about 7-8 a week.

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I really was posting just for fun. Since this looked like a just-for-fun thread. Ah well, everyone just...try to have fun today, I guess. 😄 

As for keeping track of how many of each category of questions gets posted in a certain time frame here, WHO has time to keep track of all that? Good grief! 😄 Well, as I said...was just checking in for a funny but it's back to work for me...hope everyone finds a smile today.

[purplepony]

Melanie, Pandora was just venturing an educated guess regarding the 7-8 a week.  Since you've only been a Community Member for less than one month, evidently you wouldn't know that.  I guess.   

[pandoraharper]

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@Pat M wrote:

Melanie, Pandora was just venturing an educated guess regarding the 7-8 a week.  Since you've only been a Community Member for less than one month, evidently you wouldn't know that.  I guess.   

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 Indeed. And that's probably a low estimate. 

[melaniekhenson]

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@Pat M wrote:

Melanie, Pandora was just venturing an educated guess regarding the 7-8 a week.  Since you've only been a Community Member for less than one month, evidently you wouldn't know that.  I guess.   

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Evidently! 😄

Like I said...longtime member, new member, it doesn't matter, I just don't think I'd have the time to figure things like that out and it does amaze me that others can. I have been on some forums literally for years but could never find the time between work, my family and my "me" stuff (novel and nonfiction writing; volunteering; violin...etc.) to keep tabs on such a thing.

Then again, I'm just crazy enough to want to post something funny on a thread about funny things (finding irony, in this example), so never mind me! 😄

I keep getting notifications...I had tried hard to be on the forums in the beginning but like I said...there just isn't time. I have projects here (two ongoing already), I have my regular client (not via Upwork), the books I'm writing, my family...just...no can do! Sorry! I'll have to leave that to someone way more dedicated to forums than I. 😉 Too lazy. As I said, everyone have a good day!

[purplepony]

Melanie, since you've been a Community member for one month as of tomorrow and have posted 232 times, IMO you've had/made more UW Community time than many of us.  Also, we're all busy.  I can assure you that many of us are as busy; if not busier, than you, Melanie.  We just don't have the need to state all of the activities that we devote our time to.  

[melaniekhenson]

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@Pat M wrote:

Melanie, since you've been a Community member for one month as of tomorrow and have posted 232 times, IMO you've had/made more UW Community time than many of us.  Also, we're all busy.  I can assure you that many of us are as busy; if not busier, than you, Melanie.  We just don't have the need to state all of the activities that we devote our time to.  

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Whoa... 

And I don't feel the need to stalk people's activities or to dog one particular person, but who's counting? Instead, I had jumped right in, as I said, to the community and tried hard to be involved, including, I hoped, helping others, but there was just no way I could have kept it up. I also had questions in the beginning - that's how I found the community in the first place.

As I said, I had posted because I kept getting alerts on this thread and I finally had one that I thought was stated ironically. So...I posted something...well, funny. Because the thread was supposed to be...funny.

I won't make THAT mistake again, I assure you. 

Since you're busy too I'm sure you can appreciate all of this. So take care and as I said way back when I was answering a funny thread with something funny (gasp!)....have a smile today.

[tlsanders]

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@Melanie H wrote:

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Like I said...longtime member, new member, it doesn't matter, I just don't think I'd have the time to figure things like that out and it does amaze me that others can.

Your brain doesn't just naturally tabulate those things? Third time in the past few days I've seen a thread about that...wow...that's two more on the same topic...(no "figuring out" involved in noticing that 3+2=5), and so on?

Maybe not. Everyone's mind works differently. But, for someone with strong pattern recognition skills and a certain type of memory, it's easy to make a close-to-accurate assessment of that sort of thing at any given point without having consciously been registering it or keeping track as you go along--certainly without going through and counting.

[sivavranagaro]

me gusta

[michael_skaggs]

One of my favorites:

"Hi! I need someone to take an existing video, transcribe the dialogue (since I never saved the script), ADR it, mix in new music, replace the old graphics with new versions, and send that back to me. I don't have the original assets anymore, so you'll have to make due. And I need all of this done for $20. If you tell me the actual cost, I'll just laugh and accuse you of being on drugs."

[martina_plaschka]

that is actually very offensive. I hope you flagged him. 

[petra_r]

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Martina wrote: that is actually very offensive. I hope you flagged him. 

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Martina, can you please try and quote what you are responding to? There is now a long list of seemingly completely random posts from you referring to god only knows what. (whatever you responded to is clearly "somewhere" in this 43 page thread.)

To quote (so people have a chance to understand what in the world you are on about) you just click on the " at the top.

[sivavranagaro]

Client has his payment method verified, actually he posted a featured job.

It's some really simple infographic. He invited 11 people. Four are in interview.

He had 3 job posts earlier and hired no one. 

Questions he added are:

1. Can you share any infographic examples similar to what we are looking for?
2. Do you have any questions about the job description?
3. What part of this project most appeals to you?
4. What questions do you have about the project?
5. Why did you apply to this particular job?

I was going to apply, but nah.. it looks like someone came here to play a role of a client, and not really needing a job done. And it's not so rare.

Some of you may ask what's crazy ... well, questions. Questions are total absurd for what kind of job this is.

[mthornton-cpc]

It's that time of year when people want ridiculous holiday cards designed for pennies. Things like "I want my son's face to come from 123.jpg [super lo-res photo from facebook with bad lighting and a baseball hat on his head] but with no hat and put reindeer antlers on him instead. My daughter's face should come from xyz.jpg [pic of her and her friends where her head is turned 3/4 profile to the right and her friend's finger overlaps her chin] but make her look at the camera [because we creative folks are magicians]. And put the whole family in matching PJs in the snow."

$20

[zoomconcepts]

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@Melissa T wrote:

It's that time of year when people want ridiculous holiday cards designed for pennies. Things like "I want my son's face to come from 123.jpg [super lo-res photo from facebook with bad lighting and a baseball hat on his head] but with no hat and put reindeer antlers on him instead. My daughter's face should come from xyz.jpg [pic of her and her friends where her head is turned 3/4 profile to the right and her friend's finger overlaps her chin] but make her look at the camera [because we creative folks are magicians]. And put the whole family in matching PJs in the snow."

$20

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 darn I want to apply just reading this. link me up. 

[colettelewis]

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@Bojana D wrote:

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@Melissa T wrote:

It's that time of year when people want ridiculous holiday cards designed for pennies. Things like "I want my son's face to come from 123.jpg [super lo-res photo from facebook with bad lighting and a baseball hat on his head] but with no hat and put reindeer antlers on him instead. My daughter's face should come from xyz.jpg [pic of her and her friends where her head is turned 3/4 profile to the right and her friend's finger overlaps her chin] but make her look at the camera [because we creative folks are magicians]. And put the whole family in matching PJs in the snow."

$20

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 darn I want to apply just reading this. link me up. 

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 _____________________________

Just tell the client that Rudolph worked years to get his red nose.  😛