Crazy Job Postings Part II

[pandoraharper]

Most of you already know the drill here, but if not........

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

[jokerette]

One can always ask me about crazy offerings - I'm told I have 'flypapers for freaks' on my forehead.

My latest offering includes someone who got abused by an official in another country. Now this gets my back up in one quick hurry, so I agreed to communicate, read what they had.

I learned that they were married, living in this country at the time. Had an affair with an official, who promised them the world. But then, uh, they got in the family way. Came home to the States, the official broke it off. Essentially that's it.

I'm fleeing from the gig because I don't WANT to write letters/content for a subject I don't believe in. Ask any woman: I don't think you'll hear that being ditched constitutes abuse.

I also don't think you'll hear of a crazier gig!

[jokerette]

Go you one worse. THAT was my first gig on Upwork - gotta have to get, ya know!

I wrote the thing - and then had many edits demanded. I deserved it. My daughter kept laughing and saying, well that's 15 now. 10 now. and finally "YOU owe THEM money!" lolol

[ravi_iitian]

“Take an online exam for me in September

“Be willing to be paid in milestones; 50% of the money as soon as you complete the exam and 50% after the grades are announced, provided that you have passed the exam”

[gubernatis_kevin]

Someone offered $5 to babysit them while they did data entry.  My wife explained that this isn't that uncommon, but I thought it was the funniest and strangest thing to pay someone for, so naturally I submitted a proposal.  I figure, if whether they need someone to keep them on point, need someone to entertain them, or need someone to distract them, I'm qualified, and I can always use an extra $4.  Still waiting to hear back.  

[filip_knezevic]

5 dollars per 500 words.
Bargain.
I was a Buddhist monk for 13 years and I wrote the biography of my monk life. The main theme is football or soccer. The name of my books is beautiful memories of my monk life. I have written around 28 thousand words in my book. Thank you

[salima-noorani]

Just came across this. Had to share the screenshot. 

**Edited for Community Guidelines**

[suzi-elton]

I hope you reported it. Upwork is not a "relationship" platform.

[salima-noorani]

Yes. I did.

[djondinium]

Hi Salima,

Thanks for reporting this to us. Our team will review the job post and take action according to our internal processes.

Thank you.

[slavkoa]

Ok here is one from me:.

"Well I have been getting mocked by mockers and I'm just trying to build some type of firewall or encrypted data to block this out and stop people from reading my thoughts"

I do not know what to think about this?

[richard_wein]

"Build/Create anything online that makes me a profit"

That gives me an idea for a job post: "Make me $200. Budget $100."

[astepanov83]

---

Richard W wrote:

"Build/Create anything online that makes me a profit"

That gives me an idea for a job post: "Make me $200. Budget $100."

---

I regularly see such jobs too: "implement a profitable forex strategy for $50".

If I had one, why would I share it with anyone?

[weinreich]

Of all the academic fraud postings I've seen, this one takes the cake. A student is looking for someone to write a paper about an ethics case study, using ethical theories and arguments.

I have a great idea for a case study about a student who pays someone else to write a paper for them...

[djondinium]

Hi Nedra,

You can use this flag option found on each job post or message anytime you’d like to report a violation.

Thank you.

[weinreich]

Believe me, I did report it right away. I just thought it was so egregious I had to share. 🙂

[rochellect]

This one def tops the most crazy I've ever seen. Really hope he wasn't successful.

**Edited for community guidelines**

[suzi-elton]

Gee Rochelle, I just can't figure out why you're not more compassionate toward this poor victimized guy. Sheesh! **Edited for Community Guidelines**

[sergio-soria]

I can't believe the one I've just seen. They have 10 conference videos in X language. They want a video editor who understands X language and also Y and Z languages to create subtitled versions for Y and Z. This means 20 videos (each video almost 30 min). Transcriptions for the original in X are not provided and you need to actually be a translator too. They want this completed in one week. Budget is a 2-figure number! Yeahhh, right! Be my guest, bro One can be a polyglot and a video editor, sure, but all this unrealistic deadline and payment is just too much! I have seen lots of people asking for the sun and the moon in Upwork but this one just got me astonished.

[suzi-elton]

Hey, with the economy collapsing/collapsed, they fantasize that we are so desperate we're willing to be **Edited for Community Guidelines**. They're just showing you WHO they are.

So pathetic that it's not even funny any more.

Suzi

[kinector]

Sergio, now you're confusing the client.

"What? Don't all video editors speak AT LEAST 10 languages?"

😄

[renata101]

Composers, start your ovens!

Someone Down Under wants a freelancer to write and record a parody song of the Madonna song Like a Prayer on the theme of "sourdough bread.”

It seems like you'd need a miracle to get the meter to work.

[numbsain]

Shoot me the link I can do this!

[renata101]

---

Ray C wrote:
Shoot me the link I can do this!

---

I'm PMing you as we speak, Ray. There are less than five applicants and none of the invited freelancers seem to be responding. 

Did I mention that they want you to perform it too? 

[prestonhunter]

re: "...on the theme of sourdough bread. It seems like you'd need a miracle to get the meter to work."

The meters are quite reliable. I don't know why you would be worried about them not working.

[numbsain]

Seriously I write parody lyrics for all kinds of songs.

Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow,

Sung to the tune of "Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow."

Oh, the pressure is getting stronger,

Can't hold it too much longer.

If I can't find any place to go

Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow,

Oh, the question right now is whether...

I can keep my knees together...

Till I find someplace to go...

Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow.

Well I guess I drank too much beer...

So just stop by the side of the road.

Or I might have to go right here;

my bladder's about to explode

I can feel myself start to weaken

I think I might be leakin'

I need to find a place to go...

Yellow Snow,  Yellow Snow,  Yellow Snow.

[weinreich]

You have quite a talent, Ray. Be sure to use it for good and not evil.

[numbsain]

Oops too late! Haha, thanks, Nedra

[suzi-elton]

Thanks for the laughs!

[renata101]

Some of the more recent seasonal offerings (beyond the usual barrage of requests for ethics essays with 24-hour deadines) are particularly cockle warming (because I must admit, I've always found client specs for design projects really funny): 

A company is looking for someone to create "Chrismukkah" illustrations (by which they mean Christmas and Hannukah hybrid designs). One of the images they're looking for is something they call a "Jewish Santa" who's decked out in a blue suit rather than a red one and has peyos (those curls Jewish men have behind their ears). Another design they have requested is something called "Ho Ho Ho - Oy Oy Oy," in which Jewish Santa and a standard red-and-white-suited Santa are hugging. 

These illustrations are to have a "very 'now' vibe that encompasses the charm and magic of the holidays" while simultaneously drawing "inspiration from mid-century modern products and motifs." 

So that's like a retro now vibe? 

[renata101]

And then there are those jobs that just scream "take me!" 

Edit 75K word poorly German translated romance novel. One week turnaround. The fixed rate works out to about 0.6 cents per word. 

[suzi-elton]

Gee, Renata, why are you being so greedy! LOL...I wonder if the person who wrote the job description also did the "poorly German translated romance novel". I suspect so.

[renata101]

---

Suzi E wrote:

Gee, Renata, why are you being so greedy! LOL...I wonder if the person who wrote the job description also did the "poorly German translated romance novel". I suspect so.

---

So greedy? If you've ever had the thrill of working with particularly crappy translation, you'll understand the romance will likely be over by page 3 (if it ever does in fact get started). 

I couldn't decide whether "poorly German translated" meant translated poorly into German or translated poorly by a German into some as yet undetermined language. It's possible you might spend the first day simply trying to decipher the remit. And by the second day, it might occur to you that you don't actually speak the language it was poorly translated into. 

[suzi-elton]

Thanks so much for the giant belly laughs. I just got home from a root canal...so it was just in time!

................................."poorly German translated" meant translated poorly into German or translated poorly by a German into some as yet undetermined language

Yes it is a quandary to figure out. I was also confused by the possibilities. It makes it even harder to eagerly apply. I'm sure there will be hundreds of applicants, and you'll have to put in a very competitive bid. Maybe .001 cent an hour would do the job.

Suzi

[renata101]

---

Suzi E wrote:

Thanks so much for the giant belly laughs. I just got home from a root canal...so it was just in time!

................................."poorly German translated" meant translated poorly into German or translated poorly by a German into some as yet undetermined language

Yes it is a quandary to figure out. I was also confused by the possibilities. It makes it even harder to eagerly apply. I'm sure there will be hundreds of applicants, and you'll have to put in a very competitive bid. Maybe .001 cent an hour would do the job.

Suzi

---

Suzi,

I wish you a speedy recovery. I know people say laughter is the best medicine. But seriously, if you've had a root canal, take whatever pain medication they gave you. 

[suzi-elton]

I don't think they gave me enough so I'm seeking solace here!

[faheem955]

"Write 2500 words in the budget of $5 and get 5-star ratings. The budget is tight so don't apply if you don't accept the payment. But a 5-star rating is a must if you can complete the job without plagiarism."

Now you can decide if the client was buying writing services or bargaining work with 5-star ratings and some coins 😄

[suzi-elton]

This pinpoints the problems with the way Upwork allows clients to hold freelancers hostage for their ratings.

Once a customer understands how much they can harm a freelancer with a low rating, it's Katie bar the door! It becomes a game of how much can I screw the freelancer for some lousy pay...because the system makes the freelancer desperate to get good ratings.

And, unfortunately, the freelancer has no protection. If you make the mistake of working for one of these scammers (and some can very convincingly appear to be sane), your Job Success Score is negatively skewed LONG TERM!

Suzi

[jr-translation]

---

Suzi E wrote:

This pinpoints the problems with the way Upwork allows clients to hold freelancers hostage for their ratings.

Once a customer understands how much they can harm a freelancer with a low rating, it's Katie bar the door! It becomes a game of how much can I screw the freelancer for some lousy pay...because the system makes the freelancer desperate to get good ratings.

And, unfortunately, the freelancer has no protection. If you make the mistake of working for one of these scammers (and some can very convincingly appear to be sane), your Job Success Score is negatively skewed LONG TERM!

Suzi

---

Wrong: Freelancers just have to start to read and apply the ToS. Report these clients and your problem is solved.

[suzi-elton]

Been there. Done That. Even with the proof of such manipulation in writing from the client, I got no help from Upwork. I stand by my statement. Unfortunately, that was my experience.

Suzi

[numbsain]

Jennifer, Those bullet points you listed are not applicable because they hardly ever threaten to give you bad feedback. They just keep asking for more and more, telling you you did it wrong when they are asking for the impossible, or scope creeping, or just milking you for more work then you agreed to do. And the other examples are either to protect the client or examples that never happen. I'm afraid Suzi is right and you are WRONG!

I too have tried contacting support when this happens and they say "it's best if you try to work it out with your client." They can't do anything to help. It's a client-centric system. And since it doesn't matter to the client if we give them a bad review they can blackmail us. And you can have 2 years of rave reviews and thrilled clients and then one of these people does this and your score drops three points overnight and takes years to recover from it. it is putting the needs of the service provider last. And treating seasoned professionals with stellar track records the same as a beginner or a disreputable freelancer.