Crazy Job Postings

[pandoraharper]

Folks, feel free to share crazy job postings you see. I've been wanting to create a thread like this for a while, and think it would be fun of we can keep it updated periodically.

Warning: Do not copy paste a job description, do not include a link to the post, or client details. Keep it within forum post guidlines!

Not sure what those guidelines are? Go here: https://community.upwork.com/t5/Announcements/Upwork-Community-Guidelines/td-p/3/jump-to/first-unrea...

Here's something I saw tonight:

US client, average pay under $6 per hour, no hourly hires so far, decent feedback, looking for 1 person to do:

Article Copywriting, Editing and Proofreading

Customer Service (Phone and Email)

Business Growth & Development

Blog Posting

Stand Operating Procedures Creation and Documentation

Online Research

Social Media Management

Event planning and scheduling

And finally: "Knowlege of WordPress Development, Facebook Ads, InfusionSoft, Bookkeeping, etc. a PLUS "

No mention in this posting if some of these items would be handled by other members of the team.

One word: Sheesh!

[colettelewis]

---

@yngve D wrote:

Someone wants a quality writer to write a book on fidget spinners. Easy stuff, a mere 12000 words, well researched with pictures and tricks. Generous budget of $144 and ample deadline, July 30. Already has 5 to 10 proposals.

Hey, in the highly unlikely event of me feeling like writing a book, I certainly wouldn't effectively give it away for someone else to reap the profits!

---

I love your name. How is it pronounced? Swedish? It's not Brazilian (I don't think).  

[yngve]

Actually I'm a Finn brought up in the Swedish speaking parts of Finland. The name is of Swedish origin. I've lived in Brazil since the seventies.

[vdubeau]

@Yngve

So you have something in common with Linus Torvalds 

[jmccpa]

"I have an exported data SSheet
A-Z PLUS AA/AB/AC/AD (wide)
1426 lines deep

i need to be able to PRINT out on a single page so that all data can be seen.  I have an example of WHAT it needs to look like.

There are no formulas just data (Items / names / Control numbers / addresses / ETC."

Let's see - 30 columns wide X 1426 rows and he/she wants it on a single page so all data can be seen.

I have great Excel skills but not that good!

Gonna need a bigger page!

[jmlaidlaw]

@ Joseph C. --

---

@Joseph C wrote:

"I have an exported data SSheet
A-Z PLUS AA/AB/AC/AD (wide)
1426 lines deep

i need to be able to PRINT out on a single page so that all data can be seen.  I have an example of WHAT it needs to look like.

There are no formulas just data (Items / names / Control numbers / addresses / ETC."

Let's see - 30 columns wide X 1426 rows and he/she wants it on a single page so all data can be seen.

I have great Excel skills but not that good!

Gonna need a bigger page!

---

 Like you, I immediately thought: "bigger page."

On the other hand, the stipulation is that the data be able "to be seen." Yes, I know that there was some heady talk of an example to be given. But examples are just guidelines, right? "Serving suggestions," one might say -- like the delicious, full, four-course meal pictured on the front of the box of instant mashed potatoes. I mean, you just know that the steak, Béarnaise sauce, sliced tomatoes, asparagus, melty butter, and sparkling water aren't inside the cardboard box... But the picture is allowed because it's just a "serving suggestion." It's not meant to be a realistic presentation of what can be achieved solely with the materials [read: parameters] in hand.

The essential requirement is that the data be VISIBLE. Does the client actually stipulate that this visible data be LEGIBLE? (You could print it all out on a single 8.5x11 standard page... Just so long as all those columns and rows need not be actually readable. Easy!)

[numbsain]

1 pt manzanita condensed, -100 tracking, on 1 pt leading can be seen with a microscope.

[yitwail]

Back in the Cold War days, spies supposedly smuggled secrets using microdots. How many microdots would fit on a sheet of paper? Would it be more than the number of angels that could dance on the head of a pin? I seem to have angels on my mind recently.  

[numbsain]

microFILM John! Microdots are something else entirely haha!

[reinierb]

---

@Ray C wrote:

microFILM John! Microdots are something else entirely haha!

---

 Actually, the Russians used microdots extensively during the Cold War. In fact, almost all the design drawings of the Concorde were smuggled out of both France and England on microdots at the end of sentences in novels.

[ravi_iitian]

“I need help detecting … any accidental plagiarism.”

[jmccpa]

Wow!

An "Upwork Enterprise Client" posted for a Expert in my Category:

Shows:

1% Hire Rate - 55 jobs open!

$1K spent.

How can Upwork call this an Enterprise Client?

[yngve]

"I have an exported data SSheet
A-Z PLUS AA/AB/AC/AD (wide)
1426 lines deep

i need to be able to PRINT out on a single pageso that all data can be seen.  I have an example of WHAT it needs to look like.

There are no formulas just data (Items / names / Control numbers / addresses / ETC."

He didn't state the size of the page, so maybe an extra wide billboard plotter could do the job.

[jcullinan]

So, not "crazy," per se, but hilarious... search the job listings for "snooze fest." 🙂

[weinreich]

I want to work for the snooze fest guy, even though I'm not even a web designer. Seems like a lot of fun.

On a different note, I just saw a posting titled "User manual for solar system." It could be a pretty cool book on astronomy or even philosophy. But no, turns out it's just a user guide for a "plug and play" solar energy system made in China.

[vdubeau]

I believe the user manual for the solar system is already included in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". 

[nicola1979]

I think this is the worst job post ever seen:

**Edited for Community Guidelines**

[ravi_iitian]

"I will give you a very loooooong, personalized, and beautiful feedback." 

[mwiggenhorn]

Just got a job recommendation.  The client needs a lawyer to help him buy a company which is going into bankruptcy.  He needs to conclude the deal by Monday.

Here's the kicker:  pay will be in shares of the company going under.  Man, I hope the attorneys out there are jumping all over this amazing opportunity to work for free.

[purplepony]

Mary, I've heard of companies/people that purchase bad debt because they think they'll actually make some money on it, but this is the first time I've heard of shares.  

[mwiggenhorn]

Of course, Upwork would take 20% of the shares!!

[colettelewis]

Saw a proofreading job today where the client stated with emphasis that payment would be a whopping $10 for 3000 words. It looked something like this:

3000 words for  $10!!

Even at entry level this is low - perhaps the exclamation marks (or shriek marks, as my English teacher used to call them) were tongue-in-cheek.

[yitwail]

---

@Nichola L wrote:

Saw a proofreading job today where the client stated with emphasis that payment would be a whopping $10 for 3000 words. It looked something like this:

3000 words for  $10!!

Even at entry level this is low - perhaps the exclamation marks (or shriek marks, as my English teacher used to call them) were tongue-in-cheek.

---

Be nice if the exclamation was for 10 factorial. 

[prestonhunter]

re: "Here's the kicker:  pay will be in shares of the company going under.  Man, I hope the attorneys out there are jumping all over this amazing opportunity to work for free."

Funny.

And also a reportable violation of Upwork ToS.

[mwiggenhorn]

Yes, Preston.  I know that and flagged it - twice in fact.

[prestonhunter]

Last week I was sent an invitation where the client literally offered to pay in "sweat equity."

Explaining that after the company he envisions gets off the ground, he'll arrange a substantial salary for the freelancer he hires to be his partner in this venture.

Flagged that one, too.

[kathrynbaughman]

Not a current one, but one I found while looking through some feedback.  Paying a whopping $40 for a "quick data entry job" which entailed inviting every single writing category freelancer on UW with a score of 30% Basic English and up to their job posting.  I'm appalled, disgusted, and honestly a bit shocked that UW never caught on to that particular job.  I realize that sometimes a fee earned is a fee earned but seriously.... allowing a job that pays someone to unnecessarily spam thousands of freelancers on the platform?  Entirely uncool.

[mwiggenhorn]

Betcha that was the Ebook writer client that spammed everyone a month or so ago.  There's a whole big thread about it in the Freelancer forum.  Recently updated, too.

[kathrynbaughman]

You have excellent instincts Mary 😉  I may, or may not have, been checking into a very scandalous and well-discussed job posting when I found it.

[kamicaldwell]

lol I just ended my contract with said company for editing after I got sucked in last month when I started here. They do not listen to feedback (i.e., this title is not what this book is about), and, if you produce quality content, it is impossible to leave without closing the contract yourself. They are good for newbies still trying to get their first jobs, though.

[petra_r]

4000 word English to German translation for $ 5. Must be a linguistic Wunderkind with a 90%+ JSS.

I thought it must have been a placeholder but no. The client is deadly serious.

Good luck with that, few takers from the Germans, but the Spanish equivalent was snapped up really quickly.

[ravi_iitian]

“Looking for editor for 1,200 page mindfulness article to be submitted …” for a grand sum of $50. 

[sivavranagaro]

He invited me to job where he generously offered $40 for all night rush work til tomorrow morning. Huh.

[numbsain]

At least he didn't say "then you can take the rest of the week off!" DOn't even dignify it with a response. Or just tell him the price $60 an hour for all nighters, beyong 8 hours $120 an hour. I pay no attention to these people and their ridiculous budgets i just put my price and either they call me or they don't. One guy put a budget of $5 for a logo design. I just told him he left a couple zeros off the price but i figured it out. hahaha!

[ravi_iitian]

“Looking for a Book Editor”

[wendy_writes]

LOL ... nothing else needs to be said.

[pandoraharper]

---

@Ravindra B wrote:

“Looking for a Book Editor”

---

 I see posts like that in my category sometimes, but for a writing job, that really takes the cake!

[khurram4m]

Posted few minutes ago

"Hey. I need someone to create a Wordpress website for my clothing website. 
I'm not willing to pay more than $30. 
And you need to be very patient. "

I am ok with budget but not with the last line of description 🙂

[m_terrazas]

Without words! 

[colettelewis]

A translation job in my job feed: $5 for 7OO words. You have to apply in French and in English. The two applications have to match, and then you have to write two sentences in English about what your weather is like at home.

I'd like to apply and write about the places where the sun never shines . . .

[numbsain]

Oh give the guy a break it was obviously a typo, He meant to say, "and you need to be a mental patient." which is perfectly reasonable to expect from anyone whos been at upwork long eough to have lost all their friends and family,

They let me have a butter knife and walk the halls now!